A retrospective.
Hi all.
Ive managed to hit over 4000 page views in a year on this blog and I thank you all for your continued interest.
I am celebrating the passing of the anniversary of this blog and I took the opportunity to look back and think as to why I started this. Some may thing this is washing your laundry in public but I find this very cathartic and hopefully people find this informative and it cuts out some of the questions you may think of asking.
Part of the idea of this came from others who had either started blogs and /or written about their experiences. Ive said at the outset Ive been suppressing this for a while but haven't really said more about my story in getting to here.
So back to the beginning. As a child I was very shy. I recall growing up being very quiet and introvert. Pre-school gave me the first inkling. Play time pretending to be "house" and being tucked in with a pink satin dolls blanket. Stands out as a memory does that.
As I aged I grew very attached and interested to my mums catalogues. Pete Craig and Marshall Ward ring strong bells. I spent hours thumbing through the clothing and lingerie pages. Remember this is late 70s and early 80s so you can imagine the styles.
I remember the starts of the 80s I looked up to . New romantics in their bright clothes and make up plus Madonna. The era from papa dont preach to vogue started to affirm that my tastes were somewhat non conventional.
I never dated in secondary school. I had limited attraction to girls bar a select few. I felt more intimidated by them and admired them from afar watching how they carried themselves and what they wore trying to learn but at the same time trying to maintain this masculine approach. Secondary school was a tough period and my development both as male and as Amanda was suppressed. I became painfully shy and really didnt enjoy these years instead concentrating on my academia and my imagination to flourish.
By now as I was coming to the end of school I had now established that I had issues I had to resolve having dabbled by now into dressing. Sixth form was an extension of the same. Admiring from afar and confused as to what to do. Its late 80's and transgenderism is still underground so I bottled it and took the male route still periodically dipping into dressing and working things out as to what styles I liked.
I left study at 18. I had tired of academia and wanted to live. Work followed and the first real positive attention from females. I wasnt ready for this and wasnt the best of potential suitors at the time. In hindsight I can see it was because of what I was not letting out. It created such internal conflict. Work however meant money and my own ability to buy my own female clothes. As you might expect catalogues were the starting point. Freemans and ordering male and female at the same time. Many mistakes were made. I realised quickly and its laughable now that the model in the catalogue and me arent the same and dont look the same !!
Then along came a girlfriend and lost virginity. Aged 18+ yep took that long. I thought perhaps she may be open to some concession which may have allowed me to find a happy medium. Got that so wrong and after 2 years we went our separate ways. Nothing of note between then and my wife some 6 years later. I had many nights out and no one ever showed interest. Looking back I don't think I really tried. I was still introverted and more interested in what they were wearing than actually pursuing a liaison.
In these years I had my purges. Those not familiar with a purge, it is where overwhelming guilt oddly convinces you that you should put all this nonsense aside, bin everything you have and try and move on. Its pointless as each time it comes back again and you have to rebuild your collection each time. Ive had 3 of these all mid 20's early 30's.
It was in this period I got married. I had fessed early doors and she had helped and bought me things. I thought I had found that happy medium. To this day I am unsure what she wanted but as time passed, children were born and that happy medium became less and less convenient to her to the point where she became openly aggressive to my needs for balance. People change. I accept that but people ie me didnt.
Pandoras box had been opened and I couldn't put it away. One last purge didn't even stop the inevitable. I had prior to marriage considered stopping but I felt I couldn't be that selfish. I was one of 7 friends who all had girlfriends and intended to marry. The pressure was there to conform so I did. I dont regret it. I have two great kids and we had some good times together. However ultimately it was only going to end as it has. Took at lot longer than perhaps it should have but now is the right time to move on and be me.
One big development was the internet. I got my first computer in 2000.My phone has four times the power that this frankly huge desktop had and even accounting for dial up it really opened my eyes. I wasnt a weirdo, wasnt gay ( yup worked that one out in time and if you understand the nuances of being transgender then you will understand this) and wasnt alone. I learnt so much so quickly and was able for the first time to interact with others and find my place in the order of things.
Society changed as well. Trans didnt become the norm but it became more normalised. It was no longer just drag queens or comic impersonators.
Once I realized my marriage was over, it was time to find out if I was deep down who I thought I was. Layers and layers of repression and avoidance were peeled away with a great deal of trepidation. One thing I have always been is willing to experiment, to try rather than avoid and to embrace change. However initially this journey was fraught with stress and uncertainty.
Whilst coming out was initially forced on me, I have learnt to embrace it. I have less challenges ahead than behind but still I have a way to go. However I am now certain without doubt that this is where I belong and with a fair wind I will get there.
In the meantime shopping has become a joy and no issue choosing what I want now and my wardobe continues to build. Dont buy male really anymore. Apologies if those who see my in male mode think I look a bit tatty. Im trying to avoid expenditure there.
My hair is getting long. It needs styling and I must address this. Perhaps this is the start of the last big taboos that I need to get over. I have done as big before so I will in time get past this as well.
Generally problems are others not mine and each time someone new finds out I am surprised but less so each time how little an issue it is. To you all I am eternally grateful.
This is my most personal blog yet. I hope it provides background and understanding as you read it. My mind is as balanced and certain as it has been for many years. I am happy beyond belief in the ultimate direction I am going. I cant deny who I am anymore or deny who I need to be. Its not a lifestyle choice or me being trendy (as if - ive not been in life so far so why now), Its had a huge amount of thought and time. Amanda has simply caught up with me as she was intended to do so and I am looking forward so much to her being me and others getting to know her.
Thanks as always for listening and as always I am happy to answer any questions.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton
XX
Ive managed to hit over 4000 page views in a year on this blog and I thank you all for your continued interest.
I am celebrating the passing of the anniversary of this blog and I took the opportunity to look back and think as to why I started this. Some may thing this is washing your laundry in public but I find this very cathartic and hopefully people find this informative and it cuts out some of the questions you may think of asking.
Part of the idea of this came from others who had either started blogs and /or written about their experiences. Ive said at the outset Ive been suppressing this for a while but haven't really said more about my story in getting to here.
So back to the beginning. As a child I was very shy. I recall growing up being very quiet and introvert. Pre-school gave me the first inkling. Play time pretending to be "house" and being tucked in with a pink satin dolls blanket. Stands out as a memory does that.
As I aged I grew very attached and interested to my mums catalogues. Pete Craig and Marshall Ward ring strong bells. I spent hours thumbing through the clothing and lingerie pages. Remember this is late 70s and early 80s so you can imagine the styles.
I remember the starts of the 80s I looked up to . New romantics in their bright clothes and make up plus Madonna. The era from papa dont preach to vogue started to affirm that my tastes were somewhat non conventional.
I never dated in secondary school. I had limited attraction to girls bar a select few. I felt more intimidated by them and admired them from afar watching how they carried themselves and what they wore trying to learn but at the same time trying to maintain this masculine approach. Secondary school was a tough period and my development both as male and as Amanda was suppressed. I became painfully shy and really didnt enjoy these years instead concentrating on my academia and my imagination to flourish.
By now as I was coming to the end of school I had now established that I had issues I had to resolve having dabbled by now into dressing. Sixth form was an extension of the same. Admiring from afar and confused as to what to do. Its late 80's and transgenderism is still underground so I bottled it and took the male route still periodically dipping into dressing and working things out as to what styles I liked.
I left study at 18. I had tired of academia and wanted to live. Work followed and the first real positive attention from females. I wasnt ready for this and wasnt the best of potential suitors at the time. In hindsight I can see it was because of what I was not letting out. It created such internal conflict. Work however meant money and my own ability to buy my own female clothes. As you might expect catalogues were the starting point. Freemans and ordering male and female at the same time. Many mistakes were made. I realised quickly and its laughable now that the model in the catalogue and me arent the same and dont look the same !!
Then along came a girlfriend and lost virginity. Aged 18+ yep took that long. I thought perhaps she may be open to some concession which may have allowed me to find a happy medium. Got that so wrong and after 2 years we went our separate ways. Nothing of note between then and my wife some 6 years later. I had many nights out and no one ever showed interest. Looking back I don't think I really tried. I was still introverted and more interested in what they were wearing than actually pursuing a liaison.
In these years I had my purges. Those not familiar with a purge, it is where overwhelming guilt oddly convinces you that you should put all this nonsense aside, bin everything you have and try and move on. Its pointless as each time it comes back again and you have to rebuild your collection each time. Ive had 3 of these all mid 20's early 30's.
It was in this period I got married. I had fessed early doors and she had helped and bought me things. I thought I had found that happy medium. To this day I am unsure what she wanted but as time passed, children were born and that happy medium became less and less convenient to her to the point where she became openly aggressive to my needs for balance. People change. I accept that but people ie me didnt.
Pandoras box had been opened and I couldn't put it away. One last purge didn't even stop the inevitable. I had prior to marriage considered stopping but I felt I couldn't be that selfish. I was one of 7 friends who all had girlfriends and intended to marry. The pressure was there to conform so I did. I dont regret it. I have two great kids and we had some good times together. However ultimately it was only going to end as it has. Took at lot longer than perhaps it should have but now is the right time to move on and be me.
One big development was the internet. I got my first computer in 2000.My phone has four times the power that this frankly huge desktop had and even accounting for dial up it really opened my eyes. I wasnt a weirdo, wasnt gay ( yup worked that one out in time and if you understand the nuances of being transgender then you will understand this) and wasnt alone. I learnt so much so quickly and was able for the first time to interact with others and find my place in the order of things.
Society changed as well. Trans didnt become the norm but it became more normalised. It was no longer just drag queens or comic impersonators.
Once I realized my marriage was over, it was time to find out if I was deep down who I thought I was. Layers and layers of repression and avoidance were peeled away with a great deal of trepidation. One thing I have always been is willing to experiment, to try rather than avoid and to embrace change. However initially this journey was fraught with stress and uncertainty.
Whilst coming out was initially forced on me, I have learnt to embrace it. I have less challenges ahead than behind but still I have a way to go. However I am now certain without doubt that this is where I belong and with a fair wind I will get there.
In the meantime shopping has become a joy and no issue choosing what I want now and my wardobe continues to build. Dont buy male really anymore. Apologies if those who see my in male mode think I look a bit tatty. Im trying to avoid expenditure there.
My hair is getting long. It needs styling and I must address this. Perhaps this is the start of the last big taboos that I need to get over. I have done as big before so I will in time get past this as well.
Generally problems are others not mine and each time someone new finds out I am surprised but less so each time how little an issue it is. To you all I am eternally grateful.
This is my most personal blog yet. I hope it provides background and understanding as you read it. My mind is as balanced and certain as it has been for many years. I am happy beyond belief in the ultimate direction I am going. I cant deny who I am anymore or deny who I need to be. Its not a lifestyle choice or me being trendy (as if - ive not been in life so far so why now), Its had a huge amount of thought and time. Amanda has simply caught up with me as she was intended to do so and I am looking forward so much to her being me and others getting to know her.
Thanks as always for listening and as always I am happy to answer any questions.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton
XX
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