Contradictions

Sorry it's been awhile since I last wrote.

July is heavy on Prides and I also managed to sneak a week away in Spain.

So to my thoughts for today....

As the great Sam Brown once sung:

"look out for number one

you know it's the only solution".

That's really been my philosophy since I transitioned.

I think people misunderstood how hard it is in multiple ways. You are opening the deepest and most fundamental part of your soul to the world. You spend years in denial and then have to face a reality that isn't always accepting. 

Mentally that takes a toll. Defences return not to protect your truth from being revealed as was previously but to protect yourself from hate and prejudice.

My defense has been to project positivity in who I am and by doing so in essence fight fire with fire. Try to deflect through positivity and portray my sense of security in my true identity.

It is common for my community to say that they just want to live their lives free to be themselves. That is undeniable and true for me as much as others.

However by choosing to act on the front foot, I've been thinking that I might be sending out signals that are preventing people approaching me? 

There are battles to be won, battles our community cannot lose and I need to be at the forefront of them where I can hopefully influence.

But does that place blockages to potential friends and companionship or more?

It was said to me recently that I'm between a rock and a hard place. By being so openly Transgender and not trying to blend into my new identity my signals are mixed. I'm not hitting the right target for persons outside of my community and by being honest and myself I might be sending mixed signals within mine.

Is this a price paid for asserting ones identity? Does that projection, that defence create an image or view of something I'm not?

There in lies the contradiction and a contradiction I admit I'm struggling to process and understand. If my expression creates a misrepresentation of who I really am how do I fix this without diluting who I am?

I'm sure this is something I'll be tasking myself with for the foreseeable.

Amanda xx