A giant leap(s)
Hi guys and as always thanks for following me on this blog.
For those that are new (more of which later) then feel free to go through the back catalogue and check out how far this blog and me have come in roughly the last 18 months.
I deliberately delayed my usual bi weekly time table as this was going to cover a few big things so wanted to cover them all here.
So last time I was referencing the big reveal but before I mention this, lets put this in context and in the best cinematic tradition lets go back a week or so.
I had with a couple of glasses of wine drafted an e-mail to go to everyone in my office (NB my office is one of 8 UK offices so covered about 200 people)
I then ran it past a few key confidants and tweaked it and then past key people in work who tweaked if further. Roughly 85% stayed the same though (took 12 drafts mind - i just kept making little changes). I then agreed a timetable to send it (more in a mo). I also had a planned bank holiday trip to see my BFF and to give me a chance for some time as Amanda.
With the timetable set and about a week to go before I sent the e-mail, I felt that as this was really big progress that I would do two things. One get my hair its first fem cut and second try dying it. A trans friendly salon was booked and I duly ventured along there. The cut and blow dry showed me the potential I had to look female and It is rare I am lost for words but I was. I was so happy and stopped off to get a hair dye to try out.
Cue the day of the e-mail. I was off for a long weekend (see above) and therefore intended to send and do a quick runner. Nerves increased as I got closer but in the end I quite fancied seeing what the reaction would be. I wont regurgitate what it said save for a brief history, what it means to me to be trans, why now and what would happen in the future. I sat back and waited for the initial reaction. Half a dozen good replies from an empty office and I thought it was time to leave satisfied. As I write this I havent been back in since so I will do an update blog later this week detailing more feedback.
The next day I packed for my trip to my friend. Another big step as I wanted to stay away from trans friendly places and just act normal. Walk from the hotel to train station, buy a ticket and be called "madam" by the train guard were all good. Hours of chat and drinks later plus the startled look on the receptionist who had checked in my male self and gave me my key as my female self ended an excellent day. Two more days of just normal days shopping, eating and drinking capped a wonderful weekend not least because as of checking in, I hit the dye bottle and coloured my hair for the very first time but mainly I was with the most wonderful friend.
During the weekend I was my usual self conscious type but confidence is miles better that it was. Nerves still exist but I managed to use ladies loo's (we trans can - equality act) in a non LGBT friendly environment without issue although they were quiet. I also felt a negative vibe for the first time. Hot weekend and lots of pubs had people outside. One drunken lout suggested as I passed I was "Eddie Izzard" presumably as a form of insult. Personally I take it as quite a compliment which says more about me than him. If that's as bad as it gets I can live with that. I know there may be worse but I feel ready for anything now.
Okay the dying didn't come out as dark mahogany with henna as it said on the box but more like light brown with dark red slashes, but I needed to see this. I have looked at grey hairs for almost 20 years. I needed to see what I looked like. I was advised against home treatment but again I feel in hindsight that this was another key step. It was a test and helps me understand my needs more. I feel the original look I had in my mind and colour that I thought may well need tweaking also and this weekend with no wig has helped me form those ideas. I'm ready now to kick on and have it done properly in time.
So as it stands I am now out fully in work. Tomorrow I will see the full reaction and also the reaction to me with coloured hair. I will update later in the week. Where next im not sure. I have so far felt that my instincts will take me where I want and I don't expect that to change. In my e-mail I promised at least one ice breaker night out to show off Amanda. Thoughts are already heading towards an outfit. I think I will have to arrange that soon.
It has been a truly remarkable week. Giant leaps have been taken from letting people know to spending time with a person I deeply love (strictly platonic and meeting her intended - top bloke - going to be a great wedding) and physically starting a few changes.
I remain very hopeful for the future and I welcome anyone new who wants to follow this journey.
Until then love as always.
Amanda G.H.
xxxx
For those that are new (more of which later) then feel free to go through the back catalogue and check out how far this blog and me have come in roughly the last 18 months.
I deliberately delayed my usual bi weekly time table as this was going to cover a few big things so wanted to cover them all here.
So last time I was referencing the big reveal but before I mention this, lets put this in context and in the best cinematic tradition lets go back a week or so.
I had with a couple of glasses of wine drafted an e-mail to go to everyone in my office (NB my office is one of 8 UK offices so covered about 200 people)
I then ran it past a few key confidants and tweaked it and then past key people in work who tweaked if further. Roughly 85% stayed the same though (took 12 drafts mind - i just kept making little changes). I then agreed a timetable to send it (more in a mo). I also had a planned bank holiday trip to see my BFF and to give me a chance for some time as Amanda.
With the timetable set and about a week to go before I sent the e-mail, I felt that as this was really big progress that I would do two things. One get my hair its first fem cut and second try dying it. A trans friendly salon was booked and I duly ventured along there. The cut and blow dry showed me the potential I had to look female and It is rare I am lost for words but I was. I was so happy and stopped off to get a hair dye to try out.
Cue the day of the e-mail. I was off for a long weekend (see above) and therefore intended to send and do a quick runner. Nerves increased as I got closer but in the end I quite fancied seeing what the reaction would be. I wont regurgitate what it said save for a brief history, what it means to me to be trans, why now and what would happen in the future. I sat back and waited for the initial reaction. Half a dozen good replies from an empty office and I thought it was time to leave satisfied. As I write this I havent been back in since so I will do an update blog later this week detailing more feedback.
The next day I packed for my trip to my friend. Another big step as I wanted to stay away from trans friendly places and just act normal. Walk from the hotel to train station, buy a ticket and be called "madam" by the train guard were all good. Hours of chat and drinks later plus the startled look on the receptionist who had checked in my male self and gave me my key as my female self ended an excellent day. Two more days of just normal days shopping, eating and drinking capped a wonderful weekend not least because as of checking in, I hit the dye bottle and coloured my hair for the very first time but mainly I was with the most wonderful friend.
During the weekend I was my usual self conscious type but confidence is miles better that it was. Nerves still exist but I managed to use ladies loo's (we trans can - equality act) in a non LGBT friendly environment without issue although they were quiet. I also felt a negative vibe for the first time. Hot weekend and lots of pubs had people outside. One drunken lout suggested as I passed I was "Eddie Izzard" presumably as a form of insult. Personally I take it as quite a compliment which says more about me than him. If that's as bad as it gets I can live with that. I know there may be worse but I feel ready for anything now.
Okay the dying didn't come out as dark mahogany with henna as it said on the box but more like light brown with dark red slashes, but I needed to see this. I have looked at grey hairs for almost 20 years. I needed to see what I looked like. I was advised against home treatment but again I feel in hindsight that this was another key step. It was a test and helps me understand my needs more. I feel the original look I had in my mind and colour that I thought may well need tweaking also and this weekend with no wig has helped me form those ideas. I'm ready now to kick on and have it done properly in time.
So as it stands I am now out fully in work. Tomorrow I will see the full reaction and also the reaction to me with coloured hair. I will update later in the week. Where next im not sure. I have so far felt that my instincts will take me where I want and I don't expect that to change. In my e-mail I promised at least one ice breaker night out to show off Amanda. Thoughts are already heading towards an outfit. I think I will have to arrange that soon.
It has been a truly remarkable week. Giant leaps have been taken from letting people know to spending time with a person I deeply love (strictly platonic and meeting her intended - top bloke - going to be a great wedding) and physically starting a few changes.
I remain very hopeful for the future and I welcome anyone new who wants to follow this journey.
Until then love as always.
Amanda G.H.
xxxx
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