The Big Reveal
Hi all,.
Firstly again thanks for tuning in. The 8000 page hits milestone has been passed and I am truly humbled by the attention this blog has got.
For those not of a regular visit, I had come out in work in May and promised a night out in Manchester Village whereby I would give the chance for my colleagues to meet me as Amanda rather than just seeing a photo on social media or the like.
Friday night just gone was the planned night. Trailed it on here, sent an email round work as to where and when it was going to be and booked the day off and a hotel so I could do the night some justice. Only a few days before did the nerves kick in but I now know that whatever I face isnt as bad as I think I knew if I could ride out the same I would be fine.
Hair needed re dying and all told I had given myself 2 hours to get ready. What could go wrong pretty much did. Forgot my nail varnish remover, laddered a brand new pair of hold ups, tore a belt loop on the dress I was going to wear, had a subsequent hissy fit / meltdown over the two outfits to wear / ripped my face to bits shaving (new blade but god was it sharp!) and generally rushed my make up. I had a black above knee polka dot swing dress on, black leather biker jacket and ankle boots. Hair was worn long and more red than it has been of late.
So I was a female 15 minutes late. As I walked to the bar saw a friend of mine through the window which brought the reality home (he didn't see me) so took a deep breath and then promptly tripped over the threshold but didn't fall. Talk about making an entrance! Nerves soon dissipated as I dished the hugs out.
Point of order #1. As Amanda I hug. A lot. I value friendship and value the support that these people who turned up gave me both before and on the night. Consequently a hand shake or hearty pat on the back to me doesn't say how much I appreciate them. So I hug people. I hope people understand its a reflection on the sincerity of my friendship with them.
All in all about 12 turned up, made up entirely from people in my teams. No other team / group from my office showed up save for a lone (and superb supporter) from another office. Kudos to that man notably for the fizz! I am not sure if I should be disappointed that only my team turned up. I don't know a huge amount outside of my team and there is the Xmas party to come where they will have no choice LOL! However my lot did and that was the most important thing.
Some had never been out in the village or been into a LGBT bar in their life so was a night of many firsts. A lot of topics came up, asking me questions (one thought I would turn up with stubble in jeans and say it was all a joke) and as the night progressed the subjects got deeper and more profound which brought out some concerns from people. I hope I answered honestly and people understood but I'll take this opportunity to clarify a few points.
I didn't decide to go down the route when I was younger that I am doing now mainly for a few reasons. Lack of understanding precisely who I was, how deep this was part of me, lack of knowledge and indeed lack of societies acceptance when I was that age. I took a decision to try to conform and went the traditional wife and kids route. I built complex and detailed self defense mechanisms so I wouldn't drop the guard or be found out. I feared the latter acutely. Sometimes it takes a certain level of maturity and intelligence before you can work it all out. I am far from stupid but I emotionally have been very naive, too ready to conform and not confident enough to accept who I was. I still am but was worse much younger and considered myself socially inept for a long time. Life changes however can have a huge influence and I now know precisely who I am. The signs were always there, I just didn't see them. I had chronic myopia when it came to seeing myself.
I would love to be Amanda full time now. However I know going forward I need a balance in all elements of my life. I don't want to make errors I have made in the past. I want to do this right, be fully prepared and be able to as seamlessly as possible move forward. I want to have no distracting influences and with my divorce and living accommodation yet to be finalized, they are an distraction I could do without. I have waited a long time and happy to wait until as much as I can make smooth as smooth as possible. That's why for now I will still be my male self until I am ready to go forward. I do know however that once I am ensconced in my new home, the delay will be short. So please be patient. I know where I am going and have a plan.
So it ended up on the night with a hard core making into to near midnight. I was a little disappointed with Canal St. Didn't see any other trans girls out and it seemed quiet. I'll reserve judgment until I've been out and about a few times there on different nights and times of year. In the meantime, Blackpool still does it for me most of all the places I have been out in.
So all in all a successful night. Haven't caught up with them yet. Hopefully they all had a good night as well. At least that first step of meeting Amanda has been breached.
Point of order #2. I wont stop thanking people. I know people say I don't have to but as well as hugging, I do want people to know they are appreciated. So please let me express my appreciation and take it as the intended compliment it is.
Next up for me is sorting out my new home. A few have caught my eye and hope to make progress on that soon. As far as Amanda is concerned just keep building that wardrobe. Work suit is on the cards as are a couple more shoes. Skirts and blouses are needed to.
So another big step taken. No regrets. Processed and boxed off in another part of my head as job done. Could have been better but thats me nit picking.
Thanks as always (see what Im doing!) and for reading.
Take care
Amanda GH xxx
Firstly again thanks for tuning in. The 8000 page hits milestone has been passed and I am truly humbled by the attention this blog has got.
For those not of a regular visit, I had come out in work in May and promised a night out in Manchester Village whereby I would give the chance for my colleagues to meet me as Amanda rather than just seeing a photo on social media or the like.
Friday night just gone was the planned night. Trailed it on here, sent an email round work as to where and when it was going to be and booked the day off and a hotel so I could do the night some justice. Only a few days before did the nerves kick in but I now know that whatever I face isnt as bad as I think I knew if I could ride out the same I would be fine.
Hair needed re dying and all told I had given myself 2 hours to get ready. What could go wrong pretty much did. Forgot my nail varnish remover, laddered a brand new pair of hold ups, tore a belt loop on the dress I was going to wear, had a subsequent hissy fit / meltdown over the two outfits to wear / ripped my face to bits shaving (new blade but god was it sharp!) and generally rushed my make up. I had a black above knee polka dot swing dress on, black leather biker jacket and ankle boots. Hair was worn long and more red than it has been of late.
So I was a female 15 minutes late. As I walked to the bar saw a friend of mine through the window which brought the reality home (he didn't see me) so took a deep breath and then promptly tripped over the threshold but didn't fall. Talk about making an entrance! Nerves soon dissipated as I dished the hugs out.
Point of order #1. As Amanda I hug. A lot. I value friendship and value the support that these people who turned up gave me both before and on the night. Consequently a hand shake or hearty pat on the back to me doesn't say how much I appreciate them. So I hug people. I hope people understand its a reflection on the sincerity of my friendship with them.
All in all about 12 turned up, made up entirely from people in my teams. No other team / group from my office showed up save for a lone (and superb supporter) from another office. Kudos to that man notably for the fizz! I am not sure if I should be disappointed that only my team turned up. I don't know a huge amount outside of my team and there is the Xmas party to come where they will have no choice LOL! However my lot did and that was the most important thing.
Some had never been out in the village or been into a LGBT bar in their life so was a night of many firsts. A lot of topics came up, asking me questions (one thought I would turn up with stubble in jeans and say it was all a joke) and as the night progressed the subjects got deeper and more profound which brought out some concerns from people. I hope I answered honestly and people understood but I'll take this opportunity to clarify a few points.
I didn't decide to go down the route when I was younger that I am doing now mainly for a few reasons. Lack of understanding precisely who I was, how deep this was part of me, lack of knowledge and indeed lack of societies acceptance when I was that age. I took a decision to try to conform and went the traditional wife and kids route. I built complex and detailed self defense mechanisms so I wouldn't drop the guard or be found out. I feared the latter acutely. Sometimes it takes a certain level of maturity and intelligence before you can work it all out. I am far from stupid but I emotionally have been very naive, too ready to conform and not confident enough to accept who I was. I still am but was worse much younger and considered myself socially inept for a long time. Life changes however can have a huge influence and I now know precisely who I am. The signs were always there, I just didn't see them. I had chronic myopia when it came to seeing myself.
I would love to be Amanda full time now. However I know going forward I need a balance in all elements of my life. I don't want to make errors I have made in the past. I want to do this right, be fully prepared and be able to as seamlessly as possible move forward. I want to have no distracting influences and with my divorce and living accommodation yet to be finalized, they are an distraction I could do without. I have waited a long time and happy to wait until as much as I can make smooth as smooth as possible. That's why for now I will still be my male self until I am ready to go forward. I do know however that once I am ensconced in my new home, the delay will be short. So please be patient. I know where I am going and have a plan.
So it ended up on the night with a hard core making into to near midnight. I was a little disappointed with Canal St. Didn't see any other trans girls out and it seemed quiet. I'll reserve judgment until I've been out and about a few times there on different nights and times of year. In the meantime, Blackpool still does it for me most of all the places I have been out in.
So all in all a successful night. Haven't caught up with them yet. Hopefully they all had a good night as well. At least that first step of meeting Amanda has been breached.
Point of order #2. I wont stop thanking people. I know people say I don't have to but as well as hugging, I do want people to know they are appreciated. So please let me express my appreciation and take it as the intended compliment it is.
Next up for me is sorting out my new home. A few have caught my eye and hope to make progress on that soon. As far as Amanda is concerned just keep building that wardrobe. Work suit is on the cards as are a couple more shoes. Skirts and blouses are needed to.
So another big step taken. No regrets. Processed and boxed off in another part of my head as job done. Could have been better but thats me nit picking.
Thanks as always (see what Im doing!) and for reading.
Take care
Amanda GH xxx
Glad it basically went OK. The bit about you getting ready ("What could go wrong...") reads like something from a TV comedy although I'm sure it was stressful & wasn't funny at the time. Not sure what to make of who turned up on the night. It was great that your closest colleagues made the effort to come. Maybe the others didn't know what to make of it and took the "easy way out". Anyway, well done!
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