Downs and ups
Hi all..
Time to check in on events in the last few weeks. Thanks as always for reading and engaging with me. Might be a long one this so get comfy.
So as I reported in my last blog, I have been on a tour of my company UK offices (I think there will be a long wait before I do the international offices) to do "lunch and learn" sessions on the issue of transgenderism.
This last week was Bristol which was different in apart from being the biggest office was a double header event of lunch and evening.
Lunch was as per before. My colleagues were trained on the terminology etc and then me in my male guise stood up and gave a 10 min or so speech about my history and took questions. Each time I do this I am essentially coming out as trans as I doubt the company grapevine works this well.
Each time I have done this I have received a round of applause. I now know I am not ever destined for a career on the stage. I am becoming less uncomfortable with the same as I think I am doing something for the trans community and its just me being me, so there is a greater good being met. However I am not getting an ego kick out of this so no award ceremonies or stage appearances for me. I appreciate this for what I am doing and hope I am not blushing too much.
The lunch session was packed and went well. Ive not seen all the feedback personally but when someone stops you in the common part of the office just to say how well it went then I think its a good sign. I hope anyone who has been part of these sessions who reads this understands how humbled I am by the reaction. I am fighting against being labelled as "brave". A fireman running into a burning building, a child having chemo or a soldier on tour in a warzone are brave. I am being me. Possibly labeling it as brave rather than just an event may discourage people to come out. Bravery takes time and a lot of courage. If you have to use an adjective, then "admirable" I can live with lol.
I think there are plans for a London L+L session and I look forward to that one. I hope the firm carries on with these as I think there are a myriad of subjects that sit well with this approach. I look forward to being a learner rather than participant in time.
So to the evening session. Not a mutually exclusive session but billed as a Q&A and thus a bit more relaxed and less structured. Big difference for me as Amanda was turning up. Booked in a hotel over the road and got done in about an hour, Nerves slow me up so I reckon with time and normality I will be able to trim this down more.
Realized that this would be a first time in attending work as a female. I was chaperoned across the road which really helped and wandered up to the training room where it was to happen. I was dressed in a patterned blue and white tailored dress with navy blue jacket and black patent low heeled loafers. I even wore tights! I was nervous about the look but thought I had picked well. I felt nervous but at the same time comfortable. I didnt realise until the next day the profound effect it would have on me.
The event went well and the wine flowed which helped me relax. I hoped I made some pertinent points. A meal later and more wine meant a head being nursed the next day but I was worth it. It felt like a real point had been reached and I had passed a point where I was no longer in fear or no longer lacking confidence. I feel that an internal switch had been flicked. I moved from being hidden to ready to ditch the past. However the next morning it really became something really profound.
Gender dysphoria is the medical term for the feelings of not being in the gender you feel is right to you. I have read other trans people describe this and I have always felt it difficult to understand. I now know why. I have referenced defence mechanisms being built to deal with this feeling. To stop me being who I should have been. I have been peeling back those mechanisms as part of moving forward. I feel as though now I have removed all those I put in place. I now feel like I am peeling of layers that were perhaps already there and not built by me. I think that is the best way to describe it. Layers that allow Amanda to flourish rather than simply recognise her existence.
I have had time to think on those feelings I felt and they have been profound to me in this last week. A sense of complete and deep understanding of what being Amanda means to me. It was always me and always there. My god I did a good job blocking her out. I am ashamed that I did so but happy that I eventually found her. Unless you have been there it is difficult to explain. This male body is not me and never was. I looked in the mirror when younger and recall being uneasy with the reflection. I know why now.
However I have learnt this week truly what gender dysphoria is to me. Part of me is perversely glad to know this pain because at least I now know what it is and why it is what it is. I feel deeply unhappy with my identity now. I have to be Amanda permanently and soon. I look at my body and despise what I have. I really felt this very deeply this week. I am too rational and logical so self harm isnt going to come into it, but I can relate to how someone can hit a point where they feel that is the only option. Yet elements of how I wish to change are going to be pursued with more vigour that I perhaps was keen to admit.
Being Amanda in work then out socializing wasn't just natural, it was what should be. As I type this I'm not and am close to tears recalling those feelings the bad and good. A few precautionary defenses have been put back temporarily to make life bearable. I know however that this wont hold forever and the inevitable is fast approaching. The pain, anger, frustration and stress is bearable in the knowledge of that profound feeling of freedom is how life day to day will be. Why was I so stupid not to embrace this earlier.? I have been drinking a little too much lately to help me sleep and block out the pain. I am aware of this which is keeping me aware and I will ensure that this now slows and then reverts to normal in the New Year. Again an indicator of how I have let this get out of control.
I cannot control timing of certain events notably the house sale, but what I can control is being ready. That means preparing work for the formal change. There are tasks to do that I hadn't considered would need time to sort. I will get the ball rolling there. I will get the documents ready for deed poll change to change my name. I will practice and seek out vocal changes and techniques for refining my voice. I will continue to supplement my wardrobe and perhaps consider ear piercing in the New Year. I will also vow to try and spend as much time as Amanda as I can. That's going to be socially and time away but that will help me contain the negative feelings in the short term. I will look at what I can do medically in the short term to help alleviate the masculinity that I now loathe. Perhaps in the January sales purchase an IPL device and start killing of the body hair permanently. Not cheap but it will speed matters up.
The next big event for me is the works Christmas Party. The Department one is more low key and I've decided that this will be my male goodbye at least from a social perspective. Only have one dress shirt left so apologies for the same old look. The main party will be glam central and I'm so ready for that both in terms of the look and more importantly in my head. I know I will be somewhat standing out but you will now know hopefully by reading this or by mentioning it to someone who asks, that I am inside on that night in my soul complete and free of shackles I have placed on myself. It will be a enlightening night for me. I have visions of being tearful and at times just sitting there soaking it all up. I hope its as good as I dream it will be.
Its been an enlightening few weeks / months for me. The delay in the house sale has in hindsight been good. Its helped me sort my head out, gain confidence and plan. I am now nearly ready and hopefully a short delay now will just mean that I am ready to go and hit the ground running.
So I know this was a long blog. I was planning on doing a blog about my influences but I will do that before the post Party blog. However I didnt expect this to happen to me and took a while to digest all these new thoughts and feelings. I am not a reactionary person. I think a lot and needed to understand what had happened and process it all.
Thanks for reading and your continued support. I am truly humbled by the support, kind words and appreciation of this, any talks and just me being me. It means a huge amount.
Take care.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton.
xxx
P.s. Been practicing my new signature...
Time to check in on events in the last few weeks. Thanks as always for reading and engaging with me. Might be a long one this so get comfy.
So as I reported in my last blog, I have been on a tour of my company UK offices (I think there will be a long wait before I do the international offices) to do "lunch and learn" sessions on the issue of transgenderism.
This last week was Bristol which was different in apart from being the biggest office was a double header event of lunch and evening.
Lunch was as per before. My colleagues were trained on the terminology etc and then me in my male guise stood up and gave a 10 min or so speech about my history and took questions. Each time I do this I am essentially coming out as trans as I doubt the company grapevine works this well.
Each time I have done this I have received a round of applause. I now know I am not ever destined for a career on the stage. I am becoming less uncomfortable with the same as I think I am doing something for the trans community and its just me being me, so there is a greater good being met. However I am not getting an ego kick out of this so no award ceremonies or stage appearances for me. I appreciate this for what I am doing and hope I am not blushing too much.
The lunch session was packed and went well. Ive not seen all the feedback personally but when someone stops you in the common part of the office just to say how well it went then I think its a good sign. I hope anyone who has been part of these sessions who reads this understands how humbled I am by the reaction. I am fighting against being labelled as "brave". A fireman running into a burning building, a child having chemo or a soldier on tour in a warzone are brave. I am being me. Possibly labeling it as brave rather than just an event may discourage people to come out. Bravery takes time and a lot of courage. If you have to use an adjective, then "admirable" I can live with lol.
I think there are plans for a London L+L session and I look forward to that one. I hope the firm carries on with these as I think there are a myriad of subjects that sit well with this approach. I look forward to being a learner rather than participant in time.
So to the evening session. Not a mutually exclusive session but billed as a Q&A and thus a bit more relaxed and less structured. Big difference for me as Amanda was turning up. Booked in a hotel over the road and got done in about an hour, Nerves slow me up so I reckon with time and normality I will be able to trim this down more.
Realized that this would be a first time in attending work as a female. I was chaperoned across the road which really helped and wandered up to the training room where it was to happen. I was dressed in a patterned blue and white tailored dress with navy blue jacket and black patent low heeled loafers. I even wore tights! I was nervous about the look but thought I had picked well. I felt nervous but at the same time comfortable. I didnt realise until the next day the profound effect it would have on me.
The event went well and the wine flowed which helped me relax. I hoped I made some pertinent points. A meal later and more wine meant a head being nursed the next day but I was worth it. It felt like a real point had been reached and I had passed a point where I was no longer in fear or no longer lacking confidence. I feel that an internal switch had been flicked. I moved from being hidden to ready to ditch the past. However the next morning it really became something really profound.
Gender dysphoria is the medical term for the feelings of not being in the gender you feel is right to you. I have read other trans people describe this and I have always felt it difficult to understand. I now know why. I have referenced defence mechanisms being built to deal with this feeling. To stop me being who I should have been. I have been peeling back those mechanisms as part of moving forward. I feel as though now I have removed all those I put in place. I now feel like I am peeling of layers that were perhaps already there and not built by me. I think that is the best way to describe it. Layers that allow Amanda to flourish rather than simply recognise her existence.
I have had time to think on those feelings I felt and they have been profound to me in this last week. A sense of complete and deep understanding of what being Amanda means to me. It was always me and always there. My god I did a good job blocking her out. I am ashamed that I did so but happy that I eventually found her. Unless you have been there it is difficult to explain. This male body is not me and never was. I looked in the mirror when younger and recall being uneasy with the reflection. I know why now.
However I have learnt this week truly what gender dysphoria is to me. Part of me is perversely glad to know this pain because at least I now know what it is and why it is what it is. I feel deeply unhappy with my identity now. I have to be Amanda permanently and soon. I look at my body and despise what I have. I really felt this very deeply this week. I am too rational and logical so self harm isnt going to come into it, but I can relate to how someone can hit a point where they feel that is the only option. Yet elements of how I wish to change are going to be pursued with more vigour that I perhaps was keen to admit.
Being Amanda in work then out socializing wasn't just natural, it was what should be. As I type this I'm not and am close to tears recalling those feelings the bad and good. A few precautionary defenses have been put back temporarily to make life bearable. I know however that this wont hold forever and the inevitable is fast approaching. The pain, anger, frustration and stress is bearable in the knowledge of that profound feeling of freedom is how life day to day will be. Why was I so stupid not to embrace this earlier.? I have been drinking a little too much lately to help me sleep and block out the pain. I am aware of this which is keeping me aware and I will ensure that this now slows and then reverts to normal in the New Year. Again an indicator of how I have let this get out of control.
I cannot control timing of certain events notably the house sale, but what I can control is being ready. That means preparing work for the formal change. There are tasks to do that I hadn't considered would need time to sort. I will get the ball rolling there. I will get the documents ready for deed poll change to change my name. I will practice and seek out vocal changes and techniques for refining my voice. I will continue to supplement my wardrobe and perhaps consider ear piercing in the New Year. I will also vow to try and spend as much time as Amanda as I can. That's going to be socially and time away but that will help me contain the negative feelings in the short term. I will look at what I can do medically in the short term to help alleviate the masculinity that I now loathe. Perhaps in the January sales purchase an IPL device and start killing of the body hair permanently. Not cheap but it will speed matters up.
The next big event for me is the works Christmas Party. The Department one is more low key and I've decided that this will be my male goodbye at least from a social perspective. Only have one dress shirt left so apologies for the same old look. The main party will be glam central and I'm so ready for that both in terms of the look and more importantly in my head. I know I will be somewhat standing out but you will now know hopefully by reading this or by mentioning it to someone who asks, that I am inside on that night in my soul complete and free of shackles I have placed on myself. It will be a enlightening night for me. I have visions of being tearful and at times just sitting there soaking it all up. I hope its as good as I dream it will be.
Its been an enlightening few weeks / months for me. The delay in the house sale has in hindsight been good. Its helped me sort my head out, gain confidence and plan. I am now nearly ready and hopefully a short delay now will just mean that I am ready to go and hit the ground running.
So I know this was a long blog. I was planning on doing a blog about my influences but I will do that before the post Party blog. However I didnt expect this to happen to me and took a while to digest all these new thoughts and feelings. I am not a reactionary person. I think a lot and needed to understand what had happened and process it all.
Thanks for reading and your continued support. I am truly humbled by the support, kind words and appreciation of this, any talks and just me being me. It means a huge amount.
Take care.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton.
xxx
P.s. Been practicing my new signature...
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