Gazing into the future
Hello all,
Happy New Year to you all. I hope you had a great festive period and have started to lose a few of the pounds probably added during that time.
I did manage to have quite a heavy December and over Christmas and put a bit of weight on but I'm proud to say in under 3 weeks I'm back to how I was. A bit of less of the things that caused it and the weight has fallen off. I'm so happy that I may carry on for a while yet and see if I can lose a bit more. We will see. Its tough but I feel better for it.
So after the break it was back to work and down with a heavy cold almost immediately. Not a good start to the year lol.
My dysphoria has been quite acute recently. I know from past recent times that there was a chance that things could progress but there wasn't a real hope. I just sort of went with the flow. However I know 2019 will be the year for me and I am struggling now to contain my excitement which turns into despair quite easily. I now look in the mirror and see hope albeit the person that looks back to me no longer exists in my mind and is just a lodger who will soon be replaced. Best I can describe it at the moment.
It may sound odd, but my dreams have become quite strong in recent weeks. Those I can remember have been largely about the future and me being me. One particularly strong one was regarding post hormones / surgery body. It felt very real. The mind is a quite amazing part of the human body.
After toying with red hair over the Christmas period I've moved back to auburn. Think I may stick with this during my home dieing period and wait until I can get it done professionally before I change colour. My hair length is well past my shoulders now and I wear it in a pony tail at work everyday for now. Just going to keep it growing for now as I am not tired of it yet.
The time of over Christmas and NY gave me the chance to thinks about who I was going to be this year. By this I mean what type of woman is Amanda going to be. To those that know me now, well what you are seeing and experiencing is a shell and personality that results of years of not being who I should have been. Ingrained behavior caused largely by denial and the situations I found myself in.
I have thought long and hard about the person I need to be. It is not just a case of letting go and allowing years of frustration and hiding to suddenly come out. It is more about letting my real personality develop organically.
I will still be mostly who I am now but with new verve and a new willingness to embrace who I am and what that means in society. I am a strong believer in equality. I will therefore not consider myself a feminist save that equality for woman will form part of my overall view that equality for everyone should be the aim. Yes I will focus on LGBT issues but I am keen to blend in as a woman both quickly and seamlessly. I will be keen on ensuring that the message I portray as a transwoman ensures that those who are like me can count on my support. I don't see my history as a male preventing that or hindering that. I actually see it as an advantage as my experience I hope will help.
I am really excited for what this year holds both personally and what I can achieve. I know now deeply that is is me and perhaps something I should have done a long time ago. I rarely have regrets. There is no point as you cannot change the past. However I intend to make sure that I learn from the time wasted and ultilise the future being me without concession or restriction.
I continue to add to the wardrobe. I have picked up a gorgeous beige trench coat and on the look out for some brown knee high boots. I have ventured into retro lingerie and I think during the year will start to buy some key vintage pieces. Perhaps this years Christmas party will be in vintage. I hope so.
Oh and I've bought another Phase Eight dress lol. 3/4 sleeve polka dot cross over knee length. Can see this for work or shopping.
In the meantime I will keep an eye on the sales whats left and keep adding to things. To be honest I am losing track of what I have and will have to do another stock take soon. Basics like jumpers, t-shirts and tops are always going to be needed. I have done some little things like change the pass holder my train ticker goes in (silver holographic now) and I have a great pink/gold car key ring for my car keys. Little things like that matter to me now.
I hope in the coming blogs I'll have some more positive news but whatever happens thank you for the continued support and interest.
If anyone asks about me I said in the past refer them to me. I'm past that now. Fill them in and perhaps send them here. I am so so happy at where I am going and who I am going to be. I do actually feel like shouting it from the highest point. To those who have known me years they will know that in the past that wasnt me at all!
As always questions are welcomed neigh encouraged.
Thanks for dropping by.
Amanda xx
💖💗💓
Happy New Year to you all. I hope you had a great festive period and have started to lose a few of the pounds probably added during that time.
I did manage to have quite a heavy December and over Christmas and put a bit of weight on but I'm proud to say in under 3 weeks I'm back to how I was. A bit of less of the things that caused it and the weight has fallen off. I'm so happy that I may carry on for a while yet and see if I can lose a bit more. We will see. Its tough but I feel better for it.
So after the break it was back to work and down with a heavy cold almost immediately. Not a good start to the year lol.
My dysphoria has been quite acute recently. I know from past recent times that there was a chance that things could progress but there wasn't a real hope. I just sort of went with the flow. However I know 2019 will be the year for me and I am struggling now to contain my excitement which turns into despair quite easily. I now look in the mirror and see hope albeit the person that looks back to me no longer exists in my mind and is just a lodger who will soon be replaced. Best I can describe it at the moment.
It may sound odd, but my dreams have become quite strong in recent weeks. Those I can remember have been largely about the future and me being me. One particularly strong one was regarding post hormones / surgery body. It felt very real. The mind is a quite amazing part of the human body.
After toying with red hair over the Christmas period I've moved back to auburn. Think I may stick with this during my home dieing period and wait until I can get it done professionally before I change colour. My hair length is well past my shoulders now and I wear it in a pony tail at work everyday for now. Just going to keep it growing for now as I am not tired of it yet.
The time of over Christmas and NY gave me the chance to thinks about who I was going to be this year. By this I mean what type of woman is Amanda going to be. To those that know me now, well what you are seeing and experiencing is a shell and personality that results of years of not being who I should have been. Ingrained behavior caused largely by denial and the situations I found myself in.
I have thought long and hard about the person I need to be. It is not just a case of letting go and allowing years of frustration and hiding to suddenly come out. It is more about letting my real personality develop organically.
I will still be mostly who I am now but with new verve and a new willingness to embrace who I am and what that means in society. I am a strong believer in equality. I will therefore not consider myself a feminist save that equality for woman will form part of my overall view that equality for everyone should be the aim. Yes I will focus on LGBT issues but I am keen to blend in as a woman both quickly and seamlessly. I will be keen on ensuring that the message I portray as a transwoman ensures that those who are like me can count on my support. I don't see my history as a male preventing that or hindering that. I actually see it as an advantage as my experience I hope will help.
I am really excited for what this year holds both personally and what I can achieve. I know now deeply that is is me and perhaps something I should have done a long time ago. I rarely have regrets. There is no point as you cannot change the past. However I intend to make sure that I learn from the time wasted and ultilise the future being me without concession or restriction.
I continue to add to the wardrobe. I have picked up a gorgeous beige trench coat and on the look out for some brown knee high boots. I have ventured into retro lingerie and I think during the year will start to buy some key vintage pieces. Perhaps this years Christmas party will be in vintage. I hope so.
Oh and I've bought another Phase Eight dress lol. 3/4 sleeve polka dot cross over knee length. Can see this for work or shopping.
In the meantime I will keep an eye on the sales whats left and keep adding to things. To be honest I am losing track of what I have and will have to do another stock take soon. Basics like jumpers, t-shirts and tops are always going to be needed. I have done some little things like change the pass holder my train ticker goes in (silver holographic now) and I have a great pink/gold car key ring for my car keys. Little things like that matter to me now.
I hope in the coming blogs I'll have some more positive news but whatever happens thank you for the continued support and interest.
If anyone asks about me I said in the past refer them to me. I'm past that now. Fill them in and perhaps send them here. I am so so happy at where I am going and who I am going to be. I do actually feel like shouting it from the highest point. To those who have known me years they will know that in the past that wasnt me at all!
As always questions are welcomed neigh encouraged.
Thanks for dropping by.
Amanda xx
💖💗💓
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