Time waits...
Hi again all and thanks again for tuning in.
The title of this blog reflects on time passing onwards and being largely out of a persons control in that you just go with the ride and see where it gets you.
Well that sort of how it feels at the moment. The house sale is still waiting to go through and preparations continue. I was brutal with clearing out stuff I dont need anymore. A surprising element of that was going through old photos taken as part of my marriage. In light of what has passed these last few years, I feel little now for those times passed. As a result I am keeping little to remind me and notably nothing with the two of us in photos.
However during that process I had a shiver down the spine sort of moment. Looking back on snaps going back some years I felt really detached from those events. Not because of who I shared them with, that is only as a result of recent events, but I felt a real detachment to the person in those photos. Put simply I couldn't connect with that person as being me. It was very much like looking at s stranger and someone else living those events. I am no psychiatrist but I have felt in the last say 12 months and increasingly so recently, that someone who was there is now being let free. There can be no going back. Why should I? I can sense a happiness and fulfillment just around the corner.
I must be patient and continue to prepare. Having done all the research and what needs to be done I will be living full time within 6 weeks of moving into my new house. I will however be living part time (not work) immediately but the latter will need to take a little amount of time to sort out the paper work.
That of course is the end of part one. Part two is the physical changes. I have looked recently at what called self meds i.e. buying hormones without a prescription or medical assistance.
Its risky and very much a last resort. I had looked at going private with GenderGp but there is a little issue with them and the authorities at the moment. There appears to be a strong gate-keeping mentality in the NHS that they know best but they are grossly unprepared to help the trans community with first appointments with a GIC taking well over 2 years. I don't have the time to wait for that so someway or the other I will seek my own medication before the year is out.
As to my wardrobe well I am buying stuff weekly now and forgetting what I've bought lol. I have focused on more summery stuff buying my first casual maxi dress and a few summer outfits. Polka dots I understand are "in" this year and have always loved them so these two beauties are sitting in my wardrobe now:
I love both but have been pining for the latter for sometime. Half price sale so was rude not to. Next up a denim jacket and perhaps some head wear for the summer months.
I am making sure I daily try stuff on now. mixing styles and types to get a feel. Sitting writing this in a pink Next t-shirt, burgundy flare short skirt from DP and pink loafers also from DP with my hair down way over my shoulders. I cannot express how right that feels.
I went through a period of clothes doubt. Was my style suitable and help me look female. I have now realised that this is irrelevant per se. I want to wear what I want and I intend to. I have a stylish / classic taste anyway so I wont be going crazy but you know I am so looking forward to opening a wardrobe and wearing exactly what I want.
On the hair subject I am zapping away every night with my Phillips stun gun as I have nick named it:
I have noticed a massive reduction in hand / arm hair and underarms I think are close to going permanently. Other areas show a patchy reduction but I am far from finished.
The offers of prospective future partners continue. Not sure how I will take to dating again but for now I am glad of the interest and glad to be liked / wanted.
So I leave you in a good place. I think this summer has potential to be a big period in my life and I remain hopeful of imminent progress. Until then I continue to add things, learn things and prepare. No time will be wasted.
Please to those that know me feel free to ask anything or chat about normal women things to me. It helps me feel included. Being excluded is perhaps the biggest fear in all of this.
Until next time. Be good(ish) and to those I love you know how much you mean to me.
Amanda
xx
The title of this blog reflects on time passing onwards and being largely out of a persons control in that you just go with the ride and see where it gets you.
Well that sort of how it feels at the moment. The house sale is still waiting to go through and preparations continue. I was brutal with clearing out stuff I dont need anymore. A surprising element of that was going through old photos taken as part of my marriage. In light of what has passed these last few years, I feel little now for those times passed. As a result I am keeping little to remind me and notably nothing with the two of us in photos.
However during that process I had a shiver down the spine sort of moment. Looking back on snaps going back some years I felt really detached from those events. Not because of who I shared them with, that is only as a result of recent events, but I felt a real detachment to the person in those photos. Put simply I couldn't connect with that person as being me. It was very much like looking at s stranger and someone else living those events. I am no psychiatrist but I have felt in the last say 12 months and increasingly so recently, that someone who was there is now being let free. There can be no going back. Why should I? I can sense a happiness and fulfillment just around the corner.
I must be patient and continue to prepare. Having done all the research and what needs to be done I will be living full time within 6 weeks of moving into my new house. I will however be living part time (not work) immediately but the latter will need to take a little amount of time to sort out the paper work.
That of course is the end of part one. Part two is the physical changes. I have looked recently at what called self meds i.e. buying hormones without a prescription or medical assistance.
Its risky and very much a last resort. I had looked at going private with GenderGp but there is a little issue with them and the authorities at the moment. There appears to be a strong gate-keeping mentality in the NHS that they know best but they are grossly unprepared to help the trans community with first appointments with a GIC taking well over 2 years. I don't have the time to wait for that so someway or the other I will seek my own medication before the year is out.
As to my wardrobe well I am buying stuff weekly now and forgetting what I've bought lol. I have focused on more summery stuff buying my first casual maxi dress and a few summer outfits. Polka dots I understand are "in" this year and have always loved them so these two beauties are sitting in my wardrobe now:
I love both but have been pining for the latter for sometime. Half price sale so was rude not to. Next up a denim jacket and perhaps some head wear for the summer months.
I am making sure I daily try stuff on now. mixing styles and types to get a feel. Sitting writing this in a pink Next t-shirt, burgundy flare short skirt from DP and pink loafers also from DP with my hair down way over my shoulders. I cannot express how right that feels.
I went through a period of clothes doubt. Was my style suitable and help me look female. I have now realised that this is irrelevant per se. I want to wear what I want and I intend to. I have a stylish / classic taste anyway so I wont be going crazy but you know I am so looking forward to opening a wardrobe and wearing exactly what I want.
On the hair subject I am zapping away every night with my Phillips stun gun as I have nick named it:
I have noticed a massive reduction in hand / arm hair and underarms I think are close to going permanently. Other areas show a patchy reduction but I am far from finished.
The offers of prospective future partners continue. Not sure how I will take to dating again but for now I am glad of the interest and glad to be liked / wanted.
So I leave you in a good place. I think this summer has potential to be a big period in my life and I remain hopeful of imminent progress. Until then I continue to add things, learn things and prepare. No time will be wasted.
Please to those that know me feel free to ask anything or chat about normal women things to me. It helps me feel included. Being excluded is perhaps the biggest fear in all of this.
Until next time. Be good(ish) and to those I love you know how much you mean to me.
Amanda
xx
Two years for an NHS GIC appointment. I know they are under funding pressure but that's a looooong time. :-( Self-medication seems a risky route but I can't imagine how you feel. Stating the bloomin' obvious but... (and I know you will but) just be careful!
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