Might have guessed
Hi all,
I am a smidgen short of 13000 page views. Wow. Your continued interest never ceases to amaze me and I thank you all for still tuning in after all this time. I'd thank you all individually but that may take some time.
So I write this with peak dysphoria ongoing and after half a bottle of wine (likely to be finished before I finish writing this) so at best this will be brutally honest and me very much heart on the sleeve time. I am very much that type of girl. I for years hid myself away unable to express who I was or even what was going through my mind. I hope those that read this and those that know me that being able to write this helps so much. If you feel it can be too honest then all I ask is that just take a few seconds and consider where I have come from in the last few years and what I have been through and continue to go through. It may then just help you understand.
To those just joining, there is no identikit transgender person. We all very much have our own journeys. They start at different points, some have an end point and others just go their own pace. However most of us have periods of distinct struggle and again each person deals with this in their own way. I am now one who hates their body so much that self harm has recently entered my mindset. I have so far been able to fend off those thoughts, however my word can I relate to those who do. I have had periods where I have hated myself so much that taking a sharp implement to your own body is entirely understandable. I am fortunate that the way I am I have stopped myself from going that far. It takes mental fortitude and perhaps my characteristic of overthinking that has stopped me. Fellow transgender people who do I am so with you in understanding now why you do and how it can come to this. I hope those who feel the need get the help they need as ultimately it is self defeating.
The mental side of being transgender is such a key element in my journey. I have periods of low level dysphoria where I just feel crap but get through the day to day stuff just because you have to. Other days its all consuming and just destroys any semblance of normality. People who know me may not have spotted it. Think of the swan analogy. All calm and serene above water but below...That's what it is like for me. I portray normality but inside it is tearing me apart. In recent weeks notably since moving house I have noticed a distinct upturn in those days and those days stretching into long periods. I spent so long building up the barriers to hide who I was then once I let them down I am struggling to contain or control what is coming out. I sense a tipping point approaching. In recent weeks the stress of hiding has become beyond uncomfortable. It is affecting my ability to concentrate at work, sleep is all over the place and sorry to those near me or cross my path but I know I have become more irritable, less forgiving and short tempered. Its a phase I hoped I could control but the sooner I become Amanda full time the better. I now know with such a sense of deep and all encompassing feeling both in terms of pain, hope and serenity that this was who I should have been and being me is not a choice anymore but for my own future well being that it is essential that I get there and get there soon. I sometimes struggle with words to express things. Despite the job that I do being very much an art with words, historically language was my weak point.
I even now writing this am struggling to get over how much this is me. Its an odd analogy but its being like a nuclear reactor ( go with me on this). A reaction is controlled and for years it was just ticking over as background radiation. Controlled but always liable to boil over if you weren't careful.Removed a few fuel rods over the years slowly heading to 100% efficiency and all is good but if we aren't careful then China Syndrome is bubbling under. Google the film if you don't get it!
So if you read this and have close contact with me I apologize and hope shortly that I'll be much happier and much more pleasant! I referenced in the past looking in the mirror and not seeing me looking back. I have moments / flashes now where I look and I see me, the true me and whilst that frustrates immensely it also gives me a frisson of hope.
Which leads me to the title. To those who have read this blog from the early days then you will know all plans and deadlines that I aimed for a some point took a hammering. Well house move still hasnt been secured and that affects T day as I will now call with a tongue deeply embedded in my cheek.
The move will hopefully be pre Christmas but that means T day is now likely to be 2020. I am genuinely hoping for 02.01.20 for first day at work but if anything has taught me is that hope and reality aren't always compatible.
In the interim the 2019 Christmas party outfit is ready and I have struck probably my biggest bargain. Another brand I like but usually well outside of my affordability. I am a very happy bunny with that purchase. I still feel a little guilty turning up as Amanda when day to day I am not living as her yet but where else would I get to wear a full length dress on a night out.
I sense in work perhaps that some people are wondering why I havent yet started to work as Amanda. I wish I could sit down with you all and explain but if anyone reading this gets asked please push them this way and explain the delays and how I am desperate to move on.
Two last points.
I am next month off again doing what I jokingly call my lecture circuit where I do a bit of a speech at work etc. This times it's head office and the capital. Big wigs in attendance and I am a little nervous. Also doing a Q&A later as Amanda and struggling with the outfit choice. Do I go formal work dress suit / jacket or just a fabulous figure hugging dress (big spots!). Anyone want to ping me a message and I'll seek your advice. I do like to talk fashion etc even when in male mode but I sense the old gender barriers still exist. I am also conscious of asking the same old people all the time!
Lastly, I've mentioned in the past how family has not taken well to this change. Whilst I never got round to telling my kids before the divorce (10 weeks now and I consider I am formally estranged) the fact that they are ignoring me leads me to suspect that they may well have been maliciously told. There is past history of that.
So in case one day they get wind of this and get the chance to read this I just have a brief message to you
"I will always be your parent and despite what you may have been told or believe, invariably there are two sides to every story. Sometimes in life you just have to do what's best for you. This blog represents my story and why I am who I am and why I so deeply need to be me. I hope one day you read this. I hope that reading this perhaps you understand a bit more and that may bring you even if just for one day to sit down and hear me out. I will respect you always for whatever you choose to do but be certain that any decision you make is with all the facts and knowledge. Until then I will plough my own furrow and hope one day you feel you can be part of my life again. My love for you will remain undiminished regardless"
Until next time - love as always and thanks for caring. It makes a difference.
Amanda
xxxx
I am a smidgen short of 13000 page views. Wow. Your continued interest never ceases to amaze me and I thank you all for still tuning in after all this time. I'd thank you all individually but that may take some time.
So I write this with peak dysphoria ongoing and after half a bottle of wine (likely to be finished before I finish writing this) so at best this will be brutally honest and me very much heart on the sleeve time. I am very much that type of girl. I for years hid myself away unable to express who I was or even what was going through my mind. I hope those that read this and those that know me that being able to write this helps so much. If you feel it can be too honest then all I ask is that just take a few seconds and consider where I have come from in the last few years and what I have been through and continue to go through. It may then just help you understand.
To those just joining, there is no identikit transgender person. We all very much have our own journeys. They start at different points, some have an end point and others just go their own pace. However most of us have periods of distinct struggle and again each person deals with this in their own way. I am now one who hates their body so much that self harm has recently entered my mindset. I have so far been able to fend off those thoughts, however my word can I relate to those who do. I have had periods where I have hated myself so much that taking a sharp implement to your own body is entirely understandable. I am fortunate that the way I am I have stopped myself from going that far. It takes mental fortitude and perhaps my characteristic of overthinking that has stopped me. Fellow transgender people who do I am so with you in understanding now why you do and how it can come to this. I hope those who feel the need get the help they need as ultimately it is self defeating.
The mental side of being transgender is such a key element in my journey. I have periods of low level dysphoria where I just feel crap but get through the day to day stuff just because you have to. Other days its all consuming and just destroys any semblance of normality. People who know me may not have spotted it. Think of the swan analogy. All calm and serene above water but below...That's what it is like for me. I portray normality but inside it is tearing me apart. In recent weeks notably since moving house I have noticed a distinct upturn in those days and those days stretching into long periods. I spent so long building up the barriers to hide who I was then once I let them down I am struggling to contain or control what is coming out. I sense a tipping point approaching. In recent weeks the stress of hiding has become beyond uncomfortable. It is affecting my ability to concentrate at work, sleep is all over the place and sorry to those near me or cross my path but I know I have become more irritable, less forgiving and short tempered. Its a phase I hoped I could control but the sooner I become Amanda full time the better. I now know with such a sense of deep and all encompassing feeling both in terms of pain, hope and serenity that this was who I should have been and being me is not a choice anymore but for my own future well being that it is essential that I get there and get there soon. I sometimes struggle with words to express things. Despite the job that I do being very much an art with words, historically language was my weak point.
I even now writing this am struggling to get over how much this is me. Its an odd analogy but its being like a nuclear reactor ( go with me on this). A reaction is controlled and for years it was just ticking over as background radiation. Controlled but always liable to boil over if you weren't careful.Removed a few fuel rods over the years slowly heading to 100% efficiency and all is good but if we aren't careful then China Syndrome is bubbling under. Google the film if you don't get it!
So if you read this and have close contact with me I apologize and hope shortly that I'll be much happier and much more pleasant! I referenced in the past looking in the mirror and not seeing me looking back. I have moments / flashes now where I look and I see me, the true me and whilst that frustrates immensely it also gives me a frisson of hope.
Which leads me to the title. To those who have read this blog from the early days then you will know all plans and deadlines that I aimed for a some point took a hammering. Well house move still hasnt been secured and that affects T day as I will now call with a tongue deeply embedded in my cheek.
The move will hopefully be pre Christmas but that means T day is now likely to be 2020. I am genuinely hoping for 02.01.20 for first day at work but if anything has taught me is that hope and reality aren't always compatible.
In the interim the 2019 Christmas party outfit is ready and I have struck probably my biggest bargain. Another brand I like but usually well outside of my affordability. I am a very happy bunny with that purchase. I still feel a little guilty turning up as Amanda when day to day I am not living as her yet but where else would I get to wear a full length dress on a night out.
I sense in work perhaps that some people are wondering why I havent yet started to work as Amanda. I wish I could sit down with you all and explain but if anyone reading this gets asked please push them this way and explain the delays and how I am desperate to move on.
Two last points.
I am next month off again doing what I jokingly call my lecture circuit where I do a bit of a speech at work etc. This times it's head office and the capital. Big wigs in attendance and I am a little nervous. Also doing a Q&A later as Amanda and struggling with the outfit choice. Do I go formal work dress suit / jacket or just a fabulous figure hugging dress (big spots!). Anyone want to ping me a message and I'll seek your advice. I do like to talk fashion etc even when in male mode but I sense the old gender barriers still exist. I am also conscious of asking the same old people all the time!
Lastly, I've mentioned in the past how family has not taken well to this change. Whilst I never got round to telling my kids before the divorce (10 weeks now and I consider I am formally estranged) the fact that they are ignoring me leads me to suspect that they may well have been maliciously told. There is past history of that.
So in case one day they get wind of this and get the chance to read this I just have a brief message to you
"I will always be your parent and despite what you may have been told or believe, invariably there are two sides to every story. Sometimes in life you just have to do what's best for you. This blog represents my story and why I am who I am and why I so deeply need to be me. I hope one day you read this. I hope that reading this perhaps you understand a bit more and that may bring you even if just for one day to sit down and hear me out. I will respect you always for whatever you choose to do but be certain that any decision you make is with all the facts and knowledge. Until then I will plough my own furrow and hope one day you feel you can be part of my life again. My love for you will remain undiminished regardless"
Until next time - love as always and thanks for caring. It makes a difference.
Amanda
xxxx
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