The Big One
Well it would take this blog post to push the page views to over 14,000. Wow, still cant get over this.
To regular followers of this blog I hope you have seen that this point in my life was where I was aiming to get to in quite a few ways.
The events of the last few weeks however have meant a lot to me and whilst my journey is far from complete, I can safely say that I am very much on my way.
Firstly I am safely ensconced in my new house. The stress of moving, packing , building ridiculous amounts of IKEA furniture are slowly seeping away as I get used to living somewhere entirely new on my own but more importantly start the process of living as me.
For the first time clothes are packed away in draws and wardrobes ready for use. No more furtive hiding of the same in nooks and crannies to avoid detection. Now I can gladly change and just wander around my house as me.
That feels so liberating and so reassuring. You always have in your mind what you think things will be like and how reality will be. Reality has a habit of being unreal and not as you expected and whilst there have been things I didnt take into account, its another stepping stone that has made me more and more confident that this is me.
Confidence is at times difficult to pin down. I was at the start of this journey paranoid of being found out and afraid of being ridiculed. This process has I feel fundamentally changed me. It has released the inner me. Fear has evaporated and confidence in my own identity has risen inexorably
As a child I was shy and withdrawn. No confidence in who I was. As I developed as a teenager those fears and crippling shyness rose. I was socially confident with close friends but drop me in a new environment and I scuttled to the back, quiet and reserved. Adulthood just carried on in that vein.
I look back now and see that all those years of suppressing who I was I believe was a major factor in a lot of difficulties I had as an individual. Yes I can be uber confident in scenarios when I have absolute faith in my ability but anything where I dont, the doubts and fears creep back in.
Times have changed. Those fears will take a bit more to crack but I feel I can for once live in my own body with some element of satisfaction with who I am.
That level of confidence was reflected in my turning up at a football match as Amanda. Social media gets its critics (by a lot who dont understand it) but it has been my saviour in some respects., The ability to communicate with a large group in one go saves elements of complexity,
So one week before my debut I posted to a group of followers a short message detailing my change and that I intend to start living as Amanda.
It was with little trepidation that I arrived at the ground, paid my dues and attended my first football match. Yes there were second glances which I expected (and get generally anyway with my height) but it went normally as any other match. A few misgenderings and old name use can be excused .
Ask me 3 years ago would have done that and I would have felt physically sick and probably would have been. I go forwards this weekend to my first home game with little concern. Haters will hate but I have many many more friends.
It was on the same day that an envelope dropped on my mat. High court enforcement section stamped on the back left me concerned until it dawned on me that my deed poll name change had come back.
Yes my name has now legally changed and I am legally Amanda Grace Hilton. The task of notifying all and sundry now needs doing. A big task and will take a few weeks to get to where I want to be.
The priority is work however. That is all that is stopping me adopting my correct gender identity.
They and my regulator have been informed. I am desperate to move forward quickly and hope I am not going to be frustrated by red tape. I have my suspicions that the mechanics of the change and institutional decision by committee may get my back up a bit but being so close I will do my best to reign in any frustration lol
For now thus its just weekends and at home after work that I can be me. Its still not enough but I know the rest is coming.
So for now I sign off with my actual name. Next time I write I hope to be able to confirm I have commenced living full time. I feel alive at the prospect of being me. I intend to make the most of it.
Thanks as always for reading.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton
xx
To regular followers of this blog I hope you have seen that this point in my life was where I was aiming to get to in quite a few ways.
The events of the last few weeks however have meant a lot to me and whilst my journey is far from complete, I can safely say that I am very much on my way.
Firstly I am safely ensconced in my new house. The stress of moving, packing , building ridiculous amounts of IKEA furniture are slowly seeping away as I get used to living somewhere entirely new on my own but more importantly start the process of living as me.
For the first time clothes are packed away in draws and wardrobes ready for use. No more furtive hiding of the same in nooks and crannies to avoid detection. Now I can gladly change and just wander around my house as me.
That feels so liberating and so reassuring. You always have in your mind what you think things will be like and how reality will be. Reality has a habit of being unreal and not as you expected and whilst there have been things I didnt take into account, its another stepping stone that has made me more and more confident that this is me.
Confidence is at times difficult to pin down. I was at the start of this journey paranoid of being found out and afraid of being ridiculed. This process has I feel fundamentally changed me. It has released the inner me. Fear has evaporated and confidence in my own identity has risen inexorably
As a child I was shy and withdrawn. No confidence in who I was. As I developed as a teenager those fears and crippling shyness rose. I was socially confident with close friends but drop me in a new environment and I scuttled to the back, quiet and reserved. Adulthood just carried on in that vein.
I look back now and see that all those years of suppressing who I was I believe was a major factor in a lot of difficulties I had as an individual. Yes I can be uber confident in scenarios when I have absolute faith in my ability but anything where I dont, the doubts and fears creep back in.
Times have changed. Those fears will take a bit more to crack but I feel I can for once live in my own body with some element of satisfaction with who I am.
That level of confidence was reflected in my turning up at a football match as Amanda. Social media gets its critics (by a lot who dont understand it) but it has been my saviour in some respects., The ability to communicate with a large group in one go saves elements of complexity,
So one week before my debut I posted to a group of followers a short message detailing my change and that I intend to start living as Amanda.
It was with little trepidation that I arrived at the ground, paid my dues and attended my first football match. Yes there were second glances which I expected (and get generally anyway with my height) but it went normally as any other match. A few misgenderings and old name use can be excused .
Ask me 3 years ago would have done that and I would have felt physically sick and probably would have been. I go forwards this weekend to my first home game with little concern. Haters will hate but I have many many more friends.
It was on the same day that an envelope dropped on my mat. High court enforcement section stamped on the back left me concerned until it dawned on me that my deed poll name change had come back.
Yes my name has now legally changed and I am legally Amanda Grace Hilton. The task of notifying all and sundry now needs doing. A big task and will take a few weeks to get to where I want to be.
The priority is work however. That is all that is stopping me adopting my correct gender identity.
They and my regulator have been informed. I am desperate to move forward quickly and hope I am not going to be frustrated by red tape. I have my suspicions that the mechanics of the change and institutional decision by committee may get my back up a bit but being so close I will do my best to reign in any frustration lol
For now thus its just weekends and at home after work that I can be me. Its still not enough but I know the rest is coming.
So for now I sign off with my actual name. Next time I write I hope to be able to confirm I have commenced living full time. I feel alive at the prospect of being me. I intend to make the most of it.
Thanks as always for reading.
Ms Amanda Grace Hilton
xx
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