Finding
I have been thinking about this next blog pretty much from when I wrote the last one.
At that point it was clear that this state we are in was a state that wouldnt blow through and would have a profound effect probably on the rest of the year if not longer.
I had at the beginning of the year found a certain sense of satisfaction in that I was going in the right way and had at least in my head planned out what I was going to do for the rest of the year. Well if the last few years should have taught me then dont take that for granted. However global pandemic was not on the list of things to scupper my plans. Once this is over am I to expect Godzilla to attack New York or a giant cat to attack London (got to be a certain age to get that last one!)
So after last time I knew that the forthcoming weeks would be entirely different in more ways than one. Being on your own and locked down from going anywhere and more importantly seeing anyone was always going to be difficult but I have found filling the days the most difficult. Work initially was a blessing. Keep the days busy and then no commute. Lasted a few days that feeling and then the mundane nature of moving down one flight of stairs and sitting in a 10x5 room for 8 hours sort of wore off. I have never in my career suffered from an ability to focus pressure or not. Being alone has been that one challenge that I have not been able to beat.
I have found that simply moving around, seeing the hustle and bustle of life and interacting with humanity was such an element of me being me that I feel lost without it. All the attempts you have seen with people doing stuff online is great when someone else is in the building with you but trust me on your own is no fun at all.
As I said however it has given me time to think. To think of where I want to go with life. Pandemics give you a sense of perspective like no other. I have found that this thinking time has been of a really good use to me. I have done over 30 years of getting in a mode of transport and sitting in an office making a lot of money for other people or saving companies significant sums. Yes I have benefited from it through skills I have got and the money isnt bad. But is it time to put those skills to better use? Get out there and tell people about who I am and how being trans isnt an ideology, a perversion or flash in the pan. Notably that we arent a threat to anyone or anyone's rights.
I dont know how the world will be in 6 weeks never mind 6 months, but if the future is more working from home then sorry for my own sanity thanks but no thanks. If the future is about the continued drive for money and smoozing as opposed to outright ability then I will seriously have to think about committing to that anymore. I have more to offer than the ability to kiss butt and make a shed load of money for someone.
So in these last few weeks it has been a journey of again finding myself. I really struggled with finding a voice, a voice that matched who I had become and not a relic of who I was. I was consumed by the need to be identified as someone I hoped to be immediately and how people reacted to me if their view of who I should be didnt match who I am. Those people who subtly questioned my gender by seeking affirmation of my name will trouble me no more. Its a cliche but I am who I am. I am a work in progress and working towards who I am inside being who I am outside. In the meantime though I will not compromise on that journey and how in that intervening period I show myself to the world. I was fearful of being considered transgender. I hid who I was and avoided reference to where he had gone. No more. I have in the past said I will answer any question. I think now its time to stop the need for them in the first place and be proud of who I am but more importantly where I am heading.
Confidence. That illusive property that some have in buckets, some can never find and some will struggle throughout there life going from moments of despair to moments of adulation. I wouldnt say I am entirely there but I know now how to get the best out of me and how to stop those pitfalls. Being me daily, dressing for work and being me when I do go out is key. I dont look at the ground avoiding eye contact anymore. Look me in the eye and dare to tell me I cannot be me. I am human, I am a person and more importantly I am living my life as deep down I know I should. How does that challenge society or risk criminal acts? Only bigotry and educational deficiency cause such fears. If one thing this period has told us then it is we across the whole planet share that ability to be hurt, to be ill, to rally round and support. Your gender identity doesnt change that you are human. I think indeed showing your true identity perhaps humanizes you some more. It shows that you are not afraid of expression and being true to yourself. That in a world of fake news and in some circles not confirming is deemed as a threat, is a challenge perhaps more people should seek out and speak to people about. Education and learning trumps everything. Dare to challenge my right to exist or abuse me for living my life as should be and be ready to be taken to task.
So whilst lockdown continues to be a struggle mentally, I am heading to a place where if the world allows, I will leave my cocoon and spread my wings and find my place. My place as me. That may well mean those day to day things of the last 30 years will need to change with me. I hope to find a place in the world where I can do that either as is now or perhaps not.
I also as well as mentally being ready for that challenge and mentally more attuned to who I am, am now more content to no longer confirm as I look and as I act. I will dress now for me and me alone. Not for how society should see me, how my age or my size should dictate but instead how I feel most at ease with. Its that looking in the mirror thing. In the past it wasnt me, recently I saw me but fleetingly. Now I look in the mirror and more often than not see me and no one else. No longer am I confused by the reflection. The side effect is that my abhorrence with my body as is increases daily. Again once the world allows then it will be time to address that. From a proper salon cut and colour to hormones and getting on that likely longer list for surgery. Save in the meantime to see if private can shorten that list. Vocal training may well be something to look at soon.
Part of that body change is to get toned. So I have been doing a twice weekly workout following the same on YouTube (check out teambodyproject). Will take a while but have started to feel the benefits as my aged lower back is a lot easier to move now.
Reading this back this feels like rather disjointed. I wont edit this as I prefer this to show me as is. I had hoped 2020 would be a period of consolidation and development. The world decided otherwise and once a sense of normality returns whereas in the past I may have been slow to get to where I wanted putting caution before desire or need, I think this period of reflection enforced on me may well have changed me permanently.
I have for years been finding me. I struggled to find who I was and where I was and if I could fit in as me. That was only the first part of the discovery, I now need to find where I go to and how to get there after finding that all I need and desire was there waiting for me just to do it.
That path will lead me to a sense of serenity I know is possible. I will truly at that point have found me.
Amanda
xx
At that point it was clear that this state we are in was a state that wouldnt blow through and would have a profound effect probably on the rest of the year if not longer.
I had at the beginning of the year found a certain sense of satisfaction in that I was going in the right way and had at least in my head planned out what I was going to do for the rest of the year. Well if the last few years should have taught me then dont take that for granted. However global pandemic was not on the list of things to scupper my plans. Once this is over am I to expect Godzilla to attack New York or a giant cat to attack London (got to be a certain age to get that last one!)
So after last time I knew that the forthcoming weeks would be entirely different in more ways than one. Being on your own and locked down from going anywhere and more importantly seeing anyone was always going to be difficult but I have found filling the days the most difficult. Work initially was a blessing. Keep the days busy and then no commute. Lasted a few days that feeling and then the mundane nature of moving down one flight of stairs and sitting in a 10x5 room for 8 hours sort of wore off. I have never in my career suffered from an ability to focus pressure or not. Being alone has been that one challenge that I have not been able to beat.
I have found that simply moving around, seeing the hustle and bustle of life and interacting with humanity was such an element of me being me that I feel lost without it. All the attempts you have seen with people doing stuff online is great when someone else is in the building with you but trust me on your own is no fun at all.
As I said however it has given me time to think. To think of where I want to go with life. Pandemics give you a sense of perspective like no other. I have found that this thinking time has been of a really good use to me. I have done over 30 years of getting in a mode of transport and sitting in an office making a lot of money for other people or saving companies significant sums. Yes I have benefited from it through skills I have got and the money isnt bad. But is it time to put those skills to better use? Get out there and tell people about who I am and how being trans isnt an ideology, a perversion or flash in the pan. Notably that we arent a threat to anyone or anyone's rights.
I dont know how the world will be in 6 weeks never mind 6 months, but if the future is more working from home then sorry for my own sanity thanks but no thanks. If the future is about the continued drive for money and smoozing as opposed to outright ability then I will seriously have to think about committing to that anymore. I have more to offer than the ability to kiss butt and make a shed load of money for someone.
So in these last few weeks it has been a journey of again finding myself. I really struggled with finding a voice, a voice that matched who I had become and not a relic of who I was. I was consumed by the need to be identified as someone I hoped to be immediately and how people reacted to me if their view of who I should be didnt match who I am. Those people who subtly questioned my gender by seeking affirmation of my name will trouble me no more. Its a cliche but I am who I am. I am a work in progress and working towards who I am inside being who I am outside. In the meantime though I will not compromise on that journey and how in that intervening period I show myself to the world. I was fearful of being considered transgender. I hid who I was and avoided reference to where he had gone. No more. I have in the past said I will answer any question. I think now its time to stop the need for them in the first place and be proud of who I am but more importantly where I am heading.
Confidence. That illusive property that some have in buckets, some can never find and some will struggle throughout there life going from moments of despair to moments of adulation. I wouldnt say I am entirely there but I know now how to get the best out of me and how to stop those pitfalls. Being me daily, dressing for work and being me when I do go out is key. I dont look at the ground avoiding eye contact anymore. Look me in the eye and dare to tell me I cannot be me. I am human, I am a person and more importantly I am living my life as deep down I know I should. How does that challenge society or risk criminal acts? Only bigotry and educational deficiency cause such fears. If one thing this period has told us then it is we across the whole planet share that ability to be hurt, to be ill, to rally round and support. Your gender identity doesnt change that you are human. I think indeed showing your true identity perhaps humanizes you some more. It shows that you are not afraid of expression and being true to yourself. That in a world of fake news and in some circles not confirming is deemed as a threat, is a challenge perhaps more people should seek out and speak to people about. Education and learning trumps everything. Dare to challenge my right to exist or abuse me for living my life as should be and be ready to be taken to task.
So whilst lockdown continues to be a struggle mentally, I am heading to a place where if the world allows, I will leave my cocoon and spread my wings and find my place. My place as me. That may well mean those day to day things of the last 30 years will need to change with me. I hope to find a place in the world where I can do that either as is now or perhaps not.
I also as well as mentally being ready for that challenge and mentally more attuned to who I am, am now more content to no longer confirm as I look and as I act. I will dress now for me and me alone. Not for how society should see me, how my age or my size should dictate but instead how I feel most at ease with. Its that looking in the mirror thing. In the past it wasnt me, recently I saw me but fleetingly. Now I look in the mirror and more often than not see me and no one else. No longer am I confused by the reflection. The side effect is that my abhorrence with my body as is increases daily. Again once the world allows then it will be time to address that. From a proper salon cut and colour to hormones and getting on that likely longer list for surgery. Save in the meantime to see if private can shorten that list. Vocal training may well be something to look at soon.
Part of that body change is to get toned. So I have been doing a twice weekly workout following the same on YouTube (check out teambodyproject). Will take a while but have started to feel the benefits as my aged lower back is a lot easier to move now.
Reading this back this feels like rather disjointed. I wont edit this as I prefer this to show me as is. I had hoped 2020 would be a period of consolidation and development. The world decided otherwise and once a sense of normality returns whereas in the past I may have been slow to get to where I wanted putting caution before desire or need, I think this period of reflection enforced on me may well have changed me permanently.
I have for years been finding me. I struggled to find who I was and where I was and if I could fit in as me. That was only the first part of the discovery, I now need to find where I go to and how to get there after finding that all I need and desire was there waiting for me just to do it.
That path will lead me to a sense of serenity I know is possible. I will truly at that point have found me.
Amanda
xx
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