Irreversible.

 As we near the end of summer it is time to reflect a little and more importantly look forward. Even in these strange times I cant help but plan and see what I can do to be more comfortable within myself. 

When I last wrote I talked about medically where I was going. Well I now have my blood results back and my endocrinologist appointment booked. About a 8 week wait but beats the hell out of 2- 3 years on the NHS. Yes I am going private and yes I have no qualms about it. This is serious stuff for me and I am going to do what I can to make my life better. Way I see it I take one person off the list making those who rely upon it that little bit further up the list that had they otherwise been.

As is the norm, when signing up for my appointment the disclaimer had to be read. This pulled no punches detailing precisely what will happen and really bluntly killing off the misconceptions that people may have. We all react differently but in short I can expect to see physical changes relatively quickly and when I get past 6 months on hormones, whats gone had gone and whats there is there. Hence the title of this blog. I am fast approaching the point of no return. 

Everything I have done so far is fixable - yes at some cost, some embarrassment and a hell of a lot of paper work but its all capable of being undone. This is the point whereby I can stop. 

The hell I will. 

I haven't felt more serene inside. Is it perfect? No way but its under control because I know very soon things will physically change. Ive reached the point where I angle mirrors so I don't have a chance of seeing myself when I'm getting ready but will gladly look at myself in the mirror once the transformation is finished. To be honest in a 24hr period now there is only the practical time of showering where I am not substantially happy with how I look and content with my gender identity. 

 Its took some time and pain getting here. Looking back that pain was acute for a lot of my life but really damaging in recent years, There was however a sliding scale whereby as I came out and more of the real me appeared and the old me faded did I feel like the pain was worth it. 

Its been nearly 9 months now. 9 months of being who I truly felt was me and 9 months of those shackles being let loose. Liberating would be an understatement. 

Ive said before that sometimes the little things have the biggest effect. The deadnaming has pretty much stopped with the odd slip up save for my dad who in percentage terms is probably for now at a respectable but room for improvement 50% yet still struggling with pronouns lol. 

However I got a letter through the other day with my old name on it. Rare isn't in it (still a few loose ends to try up) but the reaction was startling. I felt like that name related to someone else. It wasn't a deliberate considered response but I just looked at the envelope and immediately I felt inside of me that this person was a stranger and not known to me. It was a split second but natural reaction. I thought about that later that day and realized that name isnt relevant anymore. Its historical and I dont feel any attachment to it anymore. It sort of made me realize that bond has been irrecoverably broken and I felt no loss or feeling of detachment , no loss of identity or regret. It just felt like it wasn't me and oddly never had been.

In that respect before I even start medical treatment I feel I had already reached the point of no return sometime ago without noticing it because I was so focused and happy being me. 

On a more superficial level I was asked if I still dressed for work at home and when I returned to the office last week for the first time (surreal experience). Too right was my answer. I have a lot of time to catch up on and one part of that is dressing to please me. Those 6 mths at home walking around in heels made such a difference last week trekking to and from the station and  hitting the streets of Manchester. I want to feel being me and a big part of that is when I look in the mirror and see something that makes me feel good. In that respect I am going to dress how the hell I want. Fortunately and not to panic anyone but that is usually smart!

So the future looks bright despite the limitations and changes to how we live. I feel alive in my own skin for possibly the first time ever. Confidence is high as NASA might say. 

I have a few areas in my life where I need to sort out the last vestiges of knowledge or identity. I hope a small happening in the last few days may well have started the final roll out of knowledge in an area I was always nervous about. Strange how little things can do lots of good isnt it. May well have said that before and I hope it may continue. 

 I hope by the time I next write I may have news on that point. I remain hopeful and if people are reading this for the first time its maybe an opportune time to say read, take it all in and dont be afraid to ask.

Until next time- keep safe but dont let life pass you by. 

Amanda

xx