Future

 I've been mulling over writing this next blog for a bit and finally thought things through and put pen to paper (well you know what I mean).

Since I last wrote the Government announced their response to the GRA consultation. You may have blinked and missed it. Essentially they bottled it and said nothing is changing substantially save for the the process going online (what isnt nowadays) and the fee being cut. Oh and allegedly more money for treatment. Not enough to even scratch the surface of the huge waiting lists but better than nothing.

I decided rather than blog with my gut instinct, I sat and thought things through. My first reaction is relief. Talk was of losing rights not gaining them. So in that respect I was somewhat happy. Indirectly the announcement that the current law is more than sufficient has actually reinforced the rights we had. There is no doubt now that the equality act means my identity is completely secure. The last few years of "debate" is now over and I can relax a bit more. 

Going forward I still feel this is a missed opportunity for reform. Despite the frankly despicable media approach to this all we wanted was a simplified non medical system. It would have still had checks and balances including formal legal sign off. For an example look at Eire and 5 years of trouble free self ID. Never thought I would say that a country that has had so much challenges such as Eire would be better than the UK. I did have a back up plan to move there if things regressed here to an extent that my safety was an issue. I dont need that now but it will be nice to visit there once I get the chance. 

 Travel eh. Forgotten what that feels like. Had planned to be away in the UK this week but with the increase in lockdown provisions no real point. Even our work Christmas party has been cancelled. Had the frock ready as well. I need to get out more as working from home and not socializing is having an adverse effect on my mental health and well being. Home shouldn't feel like a prison but it can feel like that some days. 

On the subject of frocks etc I have reached the point now where I am starting to replace items because I have either worn them enough, getting tired of them or I have now got so comfortable in who I am that I look back on some of the earlier purchases and think why? I suspect I was despite the changes going on trying to conform. I am now entirely happy with being me and that will come out more in what I wear. If you are happy then there is no need to compromise. Be who you are regardless. 

What has been weird is that old swine called dysphoria kicked in with vengeance. I had mentioned in a previous blog that in times gone by it waxed and waned. I had times where it was background annoyance and others where it was "do you mind just leaving me alone for just 1 minute please".I had also mentioned that it took a different angle of attack in recent times where I was less peaks and troughs but more full on irritation. Think of an itch you cant reach that wont go away. Closest I can get to explaining for non trans people to understand. Drives you potty with frustration. 

Well a friend of mine had been working towards the "big op" as I will refer to it from now on. You know the final change - look at it on youtube if you have the constitution for it!

Its been enlightening seeing at close hand someone going through what one day I intend to and learning the things that books and research just cant tell you. I am so happy for her that she has got where she has. It is no reflection on her at all but it really triggered my own dysphoria which went nuclear a few times. 

It wasnt fear or worry but more absolute frustration of the long journey ahead of me to get to that point.  If offered it tomorrow, I would be ready and willing. Doesn't work like that unfortunately. So I sit tight although my endo appointment is only 5 weeks away now so soon be there. 

In the meantime, the plan is to try as best I can to get out more and whilst I can only do things on my own I have to keep trying until we get some sort of relaxation in the rules.

One last thing is the sweep up of last remaining documents etc in my old name. I am now down to two. Car insurance renewed and I changed over everything at the same time. Just the passport (easy to do but no real rush is there lol) and the house which with the land registry is a bit of a pain in lockdown situations. Not planing on moving either so I will get round to them in due course. 

Also in work I re record my voicemail out of office each time I take leave. Each time you have to listen to the old one. Each time I note a marked change in my voice and I think anyway it is starting to change. I will keep practicing by talking to you all the time!!

 Until then, I am loving being me and living my life as it should be. Coming up to 9 months now and just feels so natural.Am looking at perhaps doing a bit of Vlogging in future especially once i start the meds. Might be interesting to keep track of the changes and perhaps do a few other things about me and my life that mere text doesn't do justice. 

I'm mulling that one over at the moment but seem likely I will head that way. Watch this space. 

In the meantime, live your life as you deserve and enjoy every second. 

Love

Amanda xx