Phases

 Hi all, 

Been a while since I decided to put my thoughts down. 

To be honest 2020 was going down as a major write off. Pretty much everything that was planned or hoped for has either been binned or delayed until who knows when. 

The entry into tier 3 was less than welcomed cutting me off from pretty much any form of human contact. Then lockdown was the cherry on the worlds worst cake. I have been struggling to keep going, keep motivated and see some end to all this. Days just blend into days and it is rather soul destroying.

 So talk of vaccines has been very much a relief. At the time of writing 2 possibly 3 look very much good prospects and still more under development. Slowly 2021 is looking a bit better but there are still going to be tough months to get through. 

So I have been trying to keep myself busy. Zoom on a Sunday night is fast becoming the highlight of the week. Random chat with very good friends is so good for the soul and Sunday nights were traditionally a swine when it comes to getting rest. The mind used to just rev and rev in anticipation of the next days stress. Not healthy but the random nature of the chats we have to soothes the mind immensely. 

Regular viewers of this tome know I do like to get myself out there and spin positives about being transgender. In the last month or so I have managed to do two virtual sessions online through work. One was being LGBT in lockdown to celebrate pride season and the other was supposed to be a panel event about Transgender Awareness Week. Turned up to be just me. Now I am far from shy when it comes to these things but holding the fort so to speak about trans issues was a challenge. Feedback has been limited but again it appears things have gone down well. I look forward next year as things improve to getting out and seeing people face to face. Who knows where all this may lead. I must get an agent!!

Part of the delay in writing this was the hope that I may be that little bit closer to starting treatment. Well I am pleased to report that my consultation with my endocrinologist took place today and he has approved me to commence HRT. Jabs to control testosterone quarterly and patches to add in the estrogen. One at first but quickly doubled up to two to boost my changes. I'm starting to get a bit excited about all this. All I need is my GP on board and voila. I will report progress in due course but all is promising. I will report the effects as & when I start to feel the changes. 

Talking of changes, I mentioned before that I have been intending to start vlogging. I have been playing around with video and editing in its simplest terms. I have bought and got a mini tripod for my smartphone so in the run up to year end I will practice a little more with the hope that I can start to push out some content in January. The intent is a mix of quick face to camera monologues which in time I hope with track my changes and secondly throwing in a bit of fashion showing off fave outfits and new purchases. If it gets a good response I might invest in some better equipment to make it more professional but see how it goes. YouTube looks the likely destination so keep your eyes peeled. I will of course carry on posting here as well. Somethings just look better in words.

Fashion wise I still am picking up the odd item to supplement my wardrobe. A nice padded short jacket for weekends, a purple coat, a few long sleeve tops and dresses when the opportunity arises all have been added. As I write I await delivery of a Phase 8 dress and jumper and that along with the phases in my life allude to the title (see its all thought out you know!).

I have also got my make up off to a fine art now. I know what colours I need, what products suit me best and application is now very regimented and quick. I quite enjoy browsing round the shops for make up now. Dark colours are best. I dont suit pinks as my skin tone is naturally dark. I have found deep reds suit me and lipsticks will evolve now as and when they run out to reflect the new colour palette. I hope as restrictions lift I can perhaps sit down and have a consultation on a make up counter. 

The more important needs are a haircut. I think I need just some shape and definition added in. Id like more layers and a bit more body cut into it but the long style and fringe I am happy with. I have had a recommendation from a friend locally and I might add in a brow shape as well. Have been doing my own with only a modicum of success. 

So there we are. I feel like another phase is ending and I am about to start a new part. I've done the coming out pretty much universally. I think there are only a handful who now dont know and I still have my doubts if that's actually the case. I have found out that my children know but dont yet know how and what. No direct contact yet but little things are being picked up. I remain hopeful of a relationship with them but if I get there it will be at their pace. I'm generally not patient much but here I will have to curb that desire.

I've done the change in my identity. I'm fast approaching the end of my first year both living as Amanda and all bar the odd thing is outstanding. There is no rush for the last two items but everything else is absolutely in order. 

So to phase 3 and I look forward to be able to look int the mirror and see some real physical change. 

Until next time, be safe, be sensible, be you but don't stop living.

Amanda

xx