Ms Understood.

If someone hasn't used that for an album title they should. It seems vaguely familiar but I digress.

So I'm back with probably my penultimate missive of the calendar year.

Been an odd few weeks since my Blackpool adventure. Haven't been out much from a partying perspective and with another mutant messing us around then suspect partying may well be limited to house or zoom shindigs in the near future. If anyone wants to do the former let me know.

The office Christmas party was recently cancelled with just 36 hours notice and I was far from pleased. It's a pretty huge event for me and still I haven't nearly two years on gone as me being me from the outset. Premature IMHO so Another year to wait. So so frustrating.

It has however helped form one of what are likely to be many New Year resolutions. Come 2022 I will be out and about so much more. No more sitting at home. Cinema, Theatres and just generally getting out a lot. My passport (still in my old name but we weren't going anywhere these last two years were we) runs out next year so the residual documents not changed over are nearly finished. Once that's renewed then I intend to have a fair few long weekends away. City girl at heart so Milan, Lisbon and a jaunt to Berlin are forefront in my mind. 

Reason being is ive hit my surgery cost target (COVID helped with savings) so I will have a bit more to play with next year. I think getting out and about will hopefully widen my circle and see where that goes. Chicago is on the theatre soon and Cabaret is still a major one to go and see. You are welcome to join me.

2022 should be the year for my surgery. I need two referrals and have the first lined up next month. Second might be soon thereafter and then up to me to arrange. With my body changes in the last year I am so so ready for it. Its the culmination of a massive wait.

I had hoped to seek a reconciliation with my children also in 2022 but that is looking forlorn. I totally get it's tough for them but I will never understand anyone whatever age who thinks matters are solved by ignoring them. Talking solves everything but even that is proving to be a difficult starting point. There has been limited contact through text with my son (22 next week) and radio silence from my daughter (16). I am told that she doesn't want to speak to me ever again which I remain unconvinced over. It's been two years now and remains an emotional gap.

I am tired as being painted as the perpetrator and the ex as the victim. I am being true to myself. Is that a crime, is that something to look at someone and hate them for. Perhaps its me but I'm more compassionate towards people. There have been strong words said recently but it's been out of necessity. 99.9% of people who know me are supportive. Two aren't. I'm really in two minds. Anyone else and I would take the view that it's they who have the problem and walk away. However you just don't give up on your family regardless. I can only put it down to immaturity and undue influence, the latter of which is incredibly sad and rather pathetic. Again I'm wired differently and would always encourage conflict resolution aside from personal feelings. Life is to short to be bitter and projecting that on others is particularly cruel.

So I remain hopeful but not confident. If we could breach those initial barriers I'm sure we could engage in a better relationship. Sometimes in life you need to take that leap of faith. I so know that.

I'm back in anniversary territory again. One year on hormones past a few days ago. I referenced the lack of emotional change previously. Well that didn't last lol. The tears have been barely under the surface for the last few weeks and have broken through unexpectedly a few times recently. If it happens when you are least expecting it, I apologize in advance. No apparent trigger so I'll just have to be wary. 

I reference being misunderstood in the title. That referenced my difficulty with my children. It's how I can best describe my feelings. To understand however you listen and learn. Mistakes were made. Communication wasn't clear but as this blog shows there's no manual to this. I have always done things with the best intentions regardless. I just hope that they want to understand. I would be in their shoes but I'm inherently curious. Hope my genes that includes that bit ultimately breaks through.

If someone reading this knows them, then have a word with them. The world is a melting pot of individualism. I'm just being the best version of me.

As this is my pre Christmas message (don't want to battle for ratings with her Maj) then I wish you all the best of times over Christmas. I hope to see some of you beforehand but if not enjoy yourself.

Take care, be nice and be open minded.

Amanda xx