Improving

After my last post where I alluded to the need for better self care, I've taken a bit of time away from here and my YouTube channel to give myself a little time for me. Time for thought and self care.

Did it work? I'd like to think so. I'm certainly sleeping better than before and feel more in control. I've spent time with friends and notably away from home. I feel refreshed and positive so thanks to those friends for their time.

I had mentioned that I was somewhat confused that now I'd reached my post operative state that I didn't know what was next. Was this the end of the journey. Having had time to think about it I know my journey is as far as I want to travel. I'm sure I have a way to go yet. My destination remains unclear albeit it's in a direction I'm happy with. 

That direction is taking me deeper into my community. I'm involved in LGBTQ issues in work and with clients who are also LGBTQ. I'm really enjoying my Trustee post at LCR Pride Foundation and where that is going. Perhaps aside from the journey this is the direction I am supposed to go.

It is certainly enlightening mixing with others in my community. Hearing their stories and history. You learn so much.

At an industry meet up in Manchester village for drinks, it just so happened that there were a few trans girls in the bar. It was commented that they are pretending at being female whilst I am living the life of one. I was quite flattered by this. It was more about me than them but gave me a bit of a boost when someone I had only met that night said that. It reassured me in a time of self doubt.

Trashing self doubt is a priority and part of that was understanding my new body more. When describing my surgery in the past I've referenced a new point of pleasure that has been created by the surgeon and how over time sensation had returned.

That said 30% of post op Transwomen despite the survey either don't gain sensitivity or more importantly don't derive sexual climax from their new bits.

I've read fellow girls stories of how frustrating that was and despite being now sexually active I had fears I was one of the 30%. 

That particular concern has been put to bed. It's very much fully functional and I've learnt now which way my body needs to be stimulated to react. This has been very reassuring and an amazing new experience. I know everybody regardless of gender experiences pleasure differently. As you age it changes as well. What I've learned is I have to let go and relax more letting my body do its thing without over thinking. Ultimately it was different and at the same time very familiar. I'm sure now I've breached yet another brick wall like all parts of my journey it will become refined and more understood as time progresses.

Before I go I just want to say in a very stereotypical way that Liverpool did me proud hosting Eurovision. Yes I called Loreen as favourite weeks before but that wasn't hard to guess lol. The city was alive and notably with a sense of equality and people being themselves. My house party went down very well and very late. I paid for it the next day lol 

Lastly I'm off on a summer holiday soon. Grand Canary and Plays Del Ingles. Right near the Yumbo centre and those who know.... know. Another step in the journey and if you Pop over to my YouTube channel @amandaoutthere I'm sure there will be a few videos posted before and during the trip. 

Until I return, take care and always be yourself.

Amanda xx