Reflection

I said recently I'd hit a road block. I think sometimes they can be physical or sometimes perceived. There was a duality about mine 

I felt a course had been run but I didn't know the direction to go.

In some respects the physical blocks remain and they will take sometime and perhaps a bit of left field thinking to shift. I'm working on that at the moment and it's no five minute job.

However after a period of reflection I realised that other blocks were perceptions. 

I've said before that a bit of hard thinking and running through scenarios helps clear my mind and this is what happened.

I've realised over the course of the last few years what is important to me. Something's will take years to break as they have been hard wired into my psyche. Others just need use of the grey matter 

The perceptions just needed me to refocus on those important things and a bit of coincidental timing to push through the fog that was getting me lost and admittedly down. No sounding board being available hasn't helped and I know I can be sometimes too introspective.

Timing though.... Things you can't control but either cause you unexpected grief or alternatively land in your lap when you least expect it. The latter followed the former. 

Semblance though has returned. As stupid as it seems by taking time out to evaluate what was most important, I now know what is most important! That's what mental fog can do to you. 

So a period of annoyance with acts of others and an inability to make sense be seen ended up with clarity.

Compromises are needed and some don't quite know it yet but my priorities have been re-established at a cost to other things.

The thing is that I don't care what effect those compromises entail. That's not really like me but when something is so deeply part of you and your commitment to it is not up for discussion then something has to shift. I remain the priority even if a nose or two needs bending as a result.

So this last week was the start of the new path. Things I feel strongly about have been a priority and I feel good. I feel valued where I want to be valued. I feel conscious that things I might have in the past compromised on, I haven't done so and I'm glad I didn't. 

There will be collateral damage to me but again sometimes progress is a bumpy road. My history should have told me that but I'd sort of forgotten in recent years that lesson.

So as we head towards the end of another year and start planning for the next I'm in a good place.

I can see what I can do. I've realised my capabilities shouldn't be limited by past preconceptions and I need to challenge myself more. 

This is another part of my transition. Not just physical, not just social but opening cages, beating back challenges and realising that my transition has changed more than just physical things but has really released the shackles in more ways than I thought. New avenues lie ahead to explore.

So long as I keep reminding myself that I have had some pretty big hurdles and I cleared everyone, then I see no reason why I can't in future.

I have things to do, a voice to be heard and a lot still to learn. 

2023 was a year of discovery and learning. I know that going forward there is more to do but this time I know what it will take. 

I need to keep challenging myself to prove I can do rather than not bother trying. Perhaps that's my aim for next year.....