Mulling

I always take some time out at this time of year to look back and in my penultimate thoughts for the year I'll do just that.

23 was a year of discovery.

I'd recovered from my surgery at the start of the year so the bulk of the transition was over. It never ends as I've alluded to in the past.

I went into 23 with a mindset of let's see what I can do with myself.

When however in February I heard of the murder of Brianna Ghey I admit such bravado and ideas took a knock.

It's perhaps trite for me to say that but I saw and felt deeply how it affected the community. I was drawn to attending the vigil at St Georges Hall. I felt the compassion of others and understood the risks being different and in particular transgender is in this country today.

After a period of thought about that poor girl and the wider issues it did ultimately reaffirm that I can't be a bystander anymore. I want to make sure she will be the last.

I've been told as a small child I was bullish and very confident. My teens ruined that. Others more intelligent than me will dissect that better but I now looking back I put it down at least in part / mostly to the body not being mine. I retreated into being very shy and occasionally when passions rose the old me came back but generally I wasn't confident in myself.

Being me is bringing that back. Not totally, there is still a residue of decades to shake off but I'm getting there.

This year really helped though in breaking down these barriers I had erected.

I'm enlivened by the work I'm doing in my community. 

I've stepped up in work to be co-chair of my firms LGBTQ network and the wider industry as co-chair of LINK Up North the LGBTQ community for the insurance industry. I've met so many people that have caused me to think more about myself and my thoughts/ views. 

It is so true that experience shapes so much and I'm grateful for being welcomed into these groups. I've barely scratched that and let's see where it goes.

If you had said in January that I would be live on BBC World to 400m people, doing interviews and standing in front of 20000 hosting an event I would have had you committed. 

Yet through my work with Liverpool Pride that's what happened. I still look back and think wow. That gave me so much confidence and understanding how I can make a difference.

I've travelled home and away this year. It so broadens the mind and by experiencing new locations, cultures and people your understanding expands. 

From freezing my butt off in Berlin, to wearing my first swimming costume in Gran Canaria are both memorable and different. Spending time with friends and family in the UK was also valued.

A highlight was Malta in September. A pampered holiday by flying business and a posh hotel but I've very much fallen in love with the place. Euro pride was an amazing coincidence but topped an amazing trip.

Pride....that means a lot to me. We should all be proud of who we are but the opportunity to celebrate who we are is an amazing feeling. 7 I attended this year and each one added something to me this year.

The continued rise in hate crime shows why they are still needed and I welcome you all to come to one or more with me this year.

As the year progressed and my confidence rose and my interests varied, I started to get interested in local politics. Joining a party for the first time ever, attending a local meeting and voting for a candidate we're all new things but again it was something I've been always interested in but never had the confidence to act on.

It's not all been a year of up's. Whilst I close the year in a positive frame of mind and looking ahead to new adventures it would be remiss of me not to consider where things didn't quite hit the mark.

The positives above haven't been reflected in the mundane stuff. In some respects doing all the above, getting recognition for what I can do negates negatives elsewhere. Doesn't entirely lessen it but I remind myself of what I can do to keep getting by.

I have by and large been accepted by 99% of people I meet/ know. It did pain me initially that certain people didn't i.e. my kids.

I cannot however carry that pain anymore. I cannot control what they think or whatever influences are exerted on them.  They are both now adults and able to make their own decisions but they are very much the exceptions in my life.

That pain has now changed to sadness that they can't see beyond whatever issues they have. Whilst I will always be here if needed, I can no longer just wait for a change of view or maturity to arrive.

They know where I am and how to get hold of me (my phone number will never change) but I wait no more. I feel immense sadness for them not because of my feelings but because they feel unable to accept. Any human who is unable to accept change, face perceived problems or take the easy option will never know their potential and always miss out. I know how elements of that can be.

Sometimes you have to just deal with it and I am.

My positivity outweighs the negatives massively. I'm embracing the former even more going forward.

So what next.....well I'm going to enjoy Christmas with friends and family.

Before the year is out I'll be doing one last 2023 blog with my hopes and aims for 24.

Until then, enjoy your own festivities and be the best you can be.

Amanda xx