Love?

What is Love?.....as the great Howard Jones once sang - great record - look it up.

I've been pondering this as part of my final few blogs (30k fast approaching).

Have I been in love? Well yes but I'm a firm believer that Love has more Identities than Frank Abagnale.

Unrequited is the most common. You lust after someone and it develops in your eyes to being something more serious. My list of these is as random as it is bizarre.

I went to Ibiza in the late 80s and was so enamored with the rep that I cried on the way home. I blame hormones....it's my default now.

Currently I've got an unhealthy obsession with Jude Bellingham probably because of a life-size poster in the Bernabau club shop.

On a more serious point, do we have an inalienable right to fall in love? It's a natural part of life but it takes two to tango. I may be very attracted to someone but absent of reciprocity it ain't happening.

So where does that leave me absent of reciprocity.... well as I write this I am resigning myself to never ever falling in love again. I will lust and perhaps indicate my desire (Jude don't worry your safe from me) but aside from that I think I've given up.

Don't berate me.

Being transgender can be difficult at times. People decrying your right to exist based solely on bigotry would test most.

However I've never been chatted up. Never been approached or some random person show an inclination. I'd probably absent of advice have no idea of what to do if they did. I'd come across as someone lacking in cognitive function I reckon. Yes I get platitudes but rarely followed up and if so it's unrequited in reverse if you know what I mean.

This isn't like me but I'm giving up. I hate saying that but I see no prospect of things changing. Cmon world suprise me. Perhaps not trying will cause things to happen? Stranger things have happened.

If you do actually like me in a meaningful way, and evenings out are more than limited to a visit to the chippy let me know. I love my chippy but it's not a Saturday night out ok?

Until then, apps and web pages are parked. I'll still be the social whirl I am but with zero expectations. Admitting you failed is part of the solution says some trendy psychology study no doubt.

The future is entirely in the lap of the gods. If it happens then I'll be as surprised as everyone else.

Amanda xx