Complex

Being transgender is always an ongoing issue. You settle into your day to day life and everything is going ok. Then those perhaps once in a year things pop up or there is a change in your routine that you haven't accounted for or you realise that there is something you want to do but hadn't thought it through as it wasn't urgent.

Complex has two meanings.

There is complexity. 

Most of what I do is now second nature. No hurdles to jump and I'm accepted as who I am.

There's two difficulties that have still to be addressed.

I won't use a changing room in a shop. To be honest it's never been an issue ever. I think the last time I used one was when my Mum was making sure my secondary school uniform fitted and perhaps buying my first work suit. Once I've known my sizes and known what brands fit then a quick hold up against myself was always the determining factor. Still the same to this day.

Another changing room is another matter though. I'd love to go swimming at my local leisure centre but I just can't bring myself to get changed in a communal setting even if it has private facilities once in there (do they still have cubicles?). I've gone swimming on holiday no issue but I get changed in my room. Not sure how I can get over this block.

In terms of Complex I also have one....it's that passing thing again. Do I meet the expectations of what I should look like. I buy clothes that I like but at the same time there's always that doubt that I'm not feminine enough. Doesn't help at this time of year that you are layered up and I miss wearing dresses in particular. Hopefully as the weather improves I can start wearing more attractive clothes etc.

It's a difficult ongoing task to master. I'm unsure again as to how I can get that block out of my mind or do I just accept that it will always be an ongoing battle. That said I've had a few compliments lately so it might just be me overthinking..... wouldn't be the first time.

So you see it's Complex in more than one way. No way is it as easy as some would suggest.