On a roll
Just a quick update here rather than a full blog.
As a result of the inadvertent disclosure I alluded to within my last blog, matters have taken a life of their own. As expected. word had got out although not fully. That said those involved to their credit had approached me in time to let me know that they knew and bar a small bit of inquisition were wholly supportive without question.
As I have said in previous blogs, my hair is now becoming quite long. I had explained this away by stating that I was invoking my inner rock god! Ironic in that this is so far from me and my nails growing long also didn't mean I was going to be a guitar virtuoso either.
However last week in a meeting with a client the hair length cropped up. It was the butt of a joke. Now I'm far from a sensitive soul. I can banter with the best of them and am more than prepared to take it as well as dish it out. However oddly for me this struck a cord. The persons in that meeting I believe have no idea of my status so I hold no grudge or ill feeling against them. By and large they are friends and had they known I doubt that they would be so circumspect. And yet I felt uncomfortable more for them than me. I realised quite acutely that my status as will be may well provide complications that i did not anticipate. I felt that this wasnt fair on others who didnt know.
So on Friday, I took a big leap. My employer has tried to be very LGBT+ supportive employer. A group has been set up to ensure that and I joined about a year ago albeit not saying why or revealing my status. I had engaged on LGBT+ issues albeit mainly trans issues without revealing my status.
I had realized last week that a key point had been reached. I could anticipate being fully outed shortly and wanted to retain control of the process to ensure a clear understanding of what was going on. So after 2 hours of typing and retyping an e-mail , I came out to two key members of my works LGBT+ group. I explained that I had issues as to gender identity since a young age and had suppressed the same. I explained that I had been outed by ex family members and that I had decided to embrace who I was rather than continue to deny this. In short I was intending to transition from male to female in due course.
I was heartened by the positive response. My welfare was at the forefront of their views and the support was exceptional. I felt overwhelmed and was close to tears. I did not achieve much in work that day.
This has really empowered me. Any lingering doubts as to what I want to do have gone. I will now without any doubt be heading for full and open transition. Why should I deny myself what I truly desire and what I really am. I have done this for far too long and its time to move forward.
So what next. Well I have a few more people I wanted to tell. Now is the time . Then I will tell my immediate managers and thereafter the rest of the people I work with. I had intended that I would tell people closer to when I could start being me but I think it is time to get this over. I will point out that the time frame will be long and that changes might not be quick. That said I can then experiment a bit with how I dress etc without causing alarm or concern or feeling a fear of being found out. Perhaps some interim half dressing to hint at where I am going and a fuller indicator that I will be dressing entirely femme in a social environment notably the works Christmas parties. I know this is sometime off but pre warning I think is the best solution.
Time scale will be quick. I am of such a clear mind now that I want to move this forward as soon as I can. I feel on a roll and confident. I haven't been so clear of mind for such a long time. I have truly embraced who and what I am.
Looking back there is such an irony. I had once divorced intended to explore who and what I was. I anticipated a slow and considered approach. I at that point was mortified about being outed.
Had it not been for my soon to be ex father in law outing me to my father and my soon to be ex wife outing me to my best friend, I am unsure where that process would have gone. Their malicious acts has had the effect of causing me to consider who and what I am and where I wanted to go in my new life. It has had the effect of me realising that I can no longer deny my destiny and I have felt a deep and meaningful need to embrace it and be myself. I am without a doubt that the intent was to embarrass me and seek either retribution or gain by doing so. I am laughing at the consequence of the same but at the same time thankful. They wont have intended it or realised it but they have done me the biggest of favours.
I have truly found who I am and am so happy for having completed this. By meaning completed, I now know who and what I am. I am totally at ease with and happy with my decision to transition. There are no lingering doubts and I look forward so much to being complete.
I am Amanda.
XX
As a result of the inadvertent disclosure I alluded to within my last blog, matters have taken a life of their own. As expected. word had got out although not fully. That said those involved to their credit had approached me in time to let me know that they knew and bar a small bit of inquisition were wholly supportive without question.
As I have said in previous blogs, my hair is now becoming quite long. I had explained this away by stating that I was invoking my inner rock god! Ironic in that this is so far from me and my nails growing long also didn't mean I was going to be a guitar virtuoso either.
However last week in a meeting with a client the hair length cropped up. It was the butt of a joke. Now I'm far from a sensitive soul. I can banter with the best of them and am more than prepared to take it as well as dish it out. However oddly for me this struck a cord. The persons in that meeting I believe have no idea of my status so I hold no grudge or ill feeling against them. By and large they are friends and had they known I doubt that they would be so circumspect. And yet I felt uncomfortable more for them than me. I realised quite acutely that my status as will be may well provide complications that i did not anticipate. I felt that this wasnt fair on others who didnt know.
So on Friday, I took a big leap. My employer has tried to be very LGBT+ supportive employer. A group has been set up to ensure that and I joined about a year ago albeit not saying why or revealing my status. I had engaged on LGBT+ issues albeit mainly trans issues without revealing my status.
I had realized last week that a key point had been reached. I could anticipate being fully outed shortly and wanted to retain control of the process to ensure a clear understanding of what was going on. So after 2 hours of typing and retyping an e-mail , I came out to two key members of my works LGBT+ group. I explained that I had issues as to gender identity since a young age and had suppressed the same. I explained that I had been outed by ex family members and that I had decided to embrace who I was rather than continue to deny this. In short I was intending to transition from male to female in due course.
I was heartened by the positive response. My welfare was at the forefront of their views and the support was exceptional. I felt overwhelmed and was close to tears. I did not achieve much in work that day.
This has really empowered me. Any lingering doubts as to what I want to do have gone. I will now without any doubt be heading for full and open transition. Why should I deny myself what I truly desire and what I really am. I have done this for far too long and its time to move forward.
So what next. Well I have a few more people I wanted to tell. Now is the time . Then I will tell my immediate managers and thereafter the rest of the people I work with. I had intended that I would tell people closer to when I could start being me but I think it is time to get this over. I will point out that the time frame will be long and that changes might not be quick. That said I can then experiment a bit with how I dress etc without causing alarm or concern or feeling a fear of being found out. Perhaps some interim half dressing to hint at where I am going and a fuller indicator that I will be dressing entirely femme in a social environment notably the works Christmas parties. I know this is sometime off but pre warning I think is the best solution.
Time scale will be quick. I am of such a clear mind now that I want to move this forward as soon as I can. I feel on a roll and confident. I haven't been so clear of mind for such a long time. I have truly embraced who and what I am.
Looking back there is such an irony. I had once divorced intended to explore who and what I was. I anticipated a slow and considered approach. I at that point was mortified about being outed.
Had it not been for my soon to be ex father in law outing me to my father and my soon to be ex wife outing me to my best friend, I am unsure where that process would have gone. Their malicious acts has had the effect of causing me to consider who and what I am and where I wanted to go in my new life. It has had the effect of me realising that I can no longer deny my destiny and I have felt a deep and meaningful need to embrace it and be myself. I am without a doubt that the intent was to embarrass me and seek either retribution or gain by doing so. I am laughing at the consequence of the same but at the same time thankful. They wont have intended it or realised it but they have done me the biggest of favours.
I have truly found who I am and am so happy for having completed this. By meaning completed, I now know who and what I am. I am totally at ease with and happy with my decision to transition. There are no lingering doubts and I look forward so much to being complete.
I am Amanda.
XX
Lovely to read this
ReplyDeleteKnowing there was a support network possibly available to me was a key consideration. You can see reading back that I had my doubts about coming out in work or just doing a runner elsewhere. It was a major help.
Delete