The point of no return?
Hi all
I hope 2018 is going swimmingly well.
No divorce news. Brexit will happen quicker than my divorce. However now settled into my own room in the house so quite happy for the long run now.
So Amanda news. The hair is about 75% where I want it to be and the throw back to the early 90s centre part has gone. Off centre to the right with a big flick lol. I could do a good but old Phillip Oakey impression now. The younger ones feel free to Google that reference!
I am still struggling with finding a hair dresser for it. I had hoped to be in my own place by now and arranged a home visit but I am going to have to pluck up courage to get this done. Then get it coloured. I think this is just another step I have to get over and like all other steps I'll look back and think what the fuss was that about.
I am close now to choosing my wedding outfit. Seen a few I like but not quite there. I am confident I will find what I want in time. Ive also decided to give Amanda her first holiday wrapped around the wedding date. Perhaps a city break the weekend before and a beach break the weekend after. UK but just having time as me will be great and a precursor for the future.
Ive realised the only thing stopping me is confidence. I am generally a cautious individual and confidence needs to be built. I do that not necessarily by running head first into something but rather taking a considered approach to challenges. However each step brings another barrier down and I realise that only me is holding me back. Im speeding up and cant wait now to release my true self on the world.
Which brings me nicely to the title of this blog. Ive said in previous blogs that I wanted to control the process of coming out to ensure that the right message came across. I didnt want people to misunderstand me or let preconceptions get in the way. I have been fortunate so far in that apart from the initial outing, I have been able to get people on message and understand exactly where I was coming from.
I got a bit of a shock this week when a dear friend in work congratulated me on my transition. After the initial shock subsided as I realised she hadnt been told, guilt set in. She was on the initial list of people to tell and I just hadnt got round to it.
However it seems that my outing myself had now got a life of its own. I had hoped that people I had told would keep that confidence but at the same time I was not naive to think this would remain secret ad infinitum. The best kept secrets usually leak at some point but it still came as a surprise. I traced the leak and I must admit to be a little disappointed not least that a friend in that chain didnt feel capable for whatever reason of speaking to me. (UPDATE - It was an unintentional leak followed by it seems a fear of what to actually say. we have since caught up and everything is fine)
However the aforementioned dear friend has been very supportive and I am so grateful. It has assuaged the guilt a little but I still regret not telling her.
I am now facing the reality that my status is likely to become common knowledge sooner rather than later and I need to be mentally prepared for this. It is a little ahead of schedule in that I am not where I hoped to be but I am if nothing adaptable.
So I appear to have reached the point of no return lol. I actually will feel somewhat relieved in time that it is public and can relax and begin to explore my femininity more without having to hide or explain or as I do now fudge it!!
In the interim I have upped my jewellery collection and ventured into rings. I think some new nightwear is next on the agenda.
So if you are reading this and thinking of letting others know, I accept that this is somewhat inevitable now but please please direct them to me for a thorough explanation
In the meantime love to you all
Amanda
XXX
I hope 2018 is going swimmingly well.
No divorce news. Brexit will happen quicker than my divorce. However now settled into my own room in the house so quite happy for the long run now.
So Amanda news. The hair is about 75% where I want it to be and the throw back to the early 90s centre part has gone. Off centre to the right with a big flick lol. I could do a good but old Phillip Oakey impression now. The younger ones feel free to Google that reference!
I am still struggling with finding a hair dresser for it. I had hoped to be in my own place by now and arranged a home visit but I am going to have to pluck up courage to get this done. Then get it coloured. I think this is just another step I have to get over and like all other steps I'll look back and think what the fuss was that about.
I am close now to choosing my wedding outfit. Seen a few I like but not quite there. I am confident I will find what I want in time. Ive also decided to give Amanda her first holiday wrapped around the wedding date. Perhaps a city break the weekend before and a beach break the weekend after. UK but just having time as me will be great and a precursor for the future.
Ive realised the only thing stopping me is confidence. I am generally a cautious individual and confidence needs to be built. I do that not necessarily by running head first into something but rather taking a considered approach to challenges. However each step brings another barrier down and I realise that only me is holding me back. Im speeding up and cant wait now to release my true self on the world.
Which brings me nicely to the title of this blog. Ive said in previous blogs that I wanted to control the process of coming out to ensure that the right message came across. I didnt want people to misunderstand me or let preconceptions get in the way. I have been fortunate so far in that apart from the initial outing, I have been able to get people on message and understand exactly where I was coming from.
I got a bit of a shock this week when a dear friend in work congratulated me on my transition. After the initial shock subsided as I realised she hadnt been told, guilt set in. She was on the initial list of people to tell and I just hadnt got round to it.
However it seems that my outing myself had now got a life of its own. I had hoped that people I had told would keep that confidence but at the same time I was not naive to think this would remain secret ad infinitum. The best kept secrets usually leak at some point but it still came as a surprise. I traced the leak and I must admit to be a little disappointed not least that a friend in that chain didnt feel capable for whatever reason of speaking to me. (UPDATE - It was an unintentional leak followed by it seems a fear of what to actually say. we have since caught up and everything is fine)
However the aforementioned dear friend has been very supportive and I am so grateful. It has assuaged the guilt a little but I still regret not telling her.
I am now facing the reality that my status is likely to become common knowledge sooner rather than later and I need to be mentally prepared for this. It is a little ahead of schedule in that I am not where I hoped to be but I am if nothing adaptable.
So I appear to have reached the point of no return lol. I actually will feel somewhat relieved in time that it is public and can relax and begin to explore my femininity more without having to hide or explain or as I do now fudge it!!
In the interim I have upped my jewellery collection and ventured into rings. I think some new nightwear is next on the agenda.
So if you are reading this and thinking of letting others know, I accept that this is somewhat inevitable now but please please direct them to me for a thorough explanation
In the meantime love to you all
Amanda
XXX
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