Progress of a kind
So where were we......
I had told the LGBT group in work which included a partner in our office. This was deliberate. Long distance support is great but local help is that bit more. Consider it the cherry on an ice bun.
She wanted to chat and catch up. I was so nervous but she really put me at ease. Body language is a lost art on some. I am quite tuned to this and try when speaking to people or interacting try to make them at ease. She simply faced me and just let me run with me essentially pouring 30 years of angst and worry and fears out. It was serious but peppered with laughter and I really appreciated her support.
Practicalities were discussed and the dreaded toilet issue came up. Our toilets are in the general area of the office and outside of our firms remit. Whilst we are the sole occupiers on our floor, we do have visitors from others so this may be a delicate subject for the landlords never mind my firm. It has to be addressed however and a nominated trans friendly toilet is a possibility. I came out of that meeting with such a sense of knowing who I am and how life can be for me. I was buzzing for days.
As is life, this doesnt last lol. It may be me but I have lows and then have to think them out, work through why I have got to that point and how I can work my way out of it. Its a process I evolved from a previous issue with my mental health dating back to 15th April 1989. Google the date and you will I trust understand. A life threatening situation. A tough decade followed where I fine tuned my ability to react to adverse mental issues. A few days of analysis and thought and I had solved the conundrum and was back on track. I see these doubts and the process of reinforcement of my path as proof of my intent is true to me and the correct way forward.
I have in recent months started reading trans based books. Rhiannon Styles "A new girl" (signed copy no less) has been followed by Juno Dawson "The Gender Games". I would recommend both (ill lend them if you want) to those who want to understand the nuances of transgenderism.
Its clear we all have different journeys. The traditional view is "born in the wrong body" or when growing up wanting to do "girly" things. I dont think ive ever fallen into that precise story. I was more a middle of the road person. I did all the manly things but at the same time secretly felt I wanted to do more feminine. I was as stated before shy as a child and perhaps unable to express my thoughts and needs adequately not least as I struggled to understand what was going on.
I felt some guilt at not having had this chronology but as time has progressed recently and the more Ive read, I have come to really appreciate the differences that all transgender orientated people go through. We are after all individuals and why should we all have the same back story. I am at ease with the apparent contradiction on being a parent and largely a heterosexual existence so far with a deep seated and suppressed gender and sexual fluidity.
So where are we now. Well I'm firmly on track although having to find a patience I didnt think I had. I so want to move forward but have to temper that with the exit from my current life. So how do I manage this. Planning for the future helps occupy my mind, from where I will live to how I will manage living as Amanda. My love life looks rosy with plenty interested.
In the meantime I try and sneak as much of Amanda into my life as I can. Dress down days in work usually involve a surreptitious change in clothing. No one would know to look although underneath there is definitely a difference some times up to 50%. I believe that once I am out in work fully (already started writing that e-mail in my head) then dress down Fridays in time will present the perfect opportunity to slowly bring Amanda out to people. A night out in the Manchester Village and inviting those from work along I think is a summer night out to really start the change over.
Ive embraced my inner self. Ive started buying home furnishings and 2 Lady Gaga albums. Happy girl I really am lol.
One small glitch to get over is telling my immediate management. I thought about doing it this week. Part of me wants it over and part of me feels it can wait. I am conscious of not leaving a gap between being out and then nothing happening. I want a smooth progression but life isn't like that. Whilst in my meeting reassurances about discrimination were provided I remain nervous of this be it positive (they only got that because they are a tranny) to the more obvious negative discrimination of being removed from projects etc. I may be calling it wrong but I am more nervous about this than telling the rest of the office. Coloring my hair and ear piercing can than go ahead without the need to lie (I hate this part of being in the closet most) or deceive and slowly I can start being me.
One final thing. Will lingerie manufacturers please stock 38C bras. I will gladly spend good money on expensive lingerie but If you don't stock my size then I cant!! Why this size you ask when I don't have natural breasts yet. Well the band measurement is correct for me. The cup size for now I can chose but I am conscious of proportion to my frame and what is achievable through hormones. A C cup appears right and balanced on both issues. Ladies tell me if I'm wrong?
I will leave you with a plea and a hope. As for the plea, I am very happy being Amanda. I have told a few more friends and still am amazed at the lack of questions. I would have loads lol. Don't be afraid of what to say. I am very easy going and not easily offended. Terminology etc will come right in due course so don't be afraid to trip up. I wont be offended and wont hold it against you.
As to the hope, to one couple who have been so supportive of me and become dear friends, whatever happens I am here for you both and I hope to see you either together or as individuals soon.
Thanks as always for listening and ask away....please
Love
Amanda Grace Hilton.
xxx
I had told the LGBT group in work which included a partner in our office. This was deliberate. Long distance support is great but local help is that bit more. Consider it the cherry on an ice bun.
She wanted to chat and catch up. I was so nervous but she really put me at ease. Body language is a lost art on some. I am quite tuned to this and try when speaking to people or interacting try to make them at ease. She simply faced me and just let me run with me essentially pouring 30 years of angst and worry and fears out. It was serious but peppered with laughter and I really appreciated her support.
Practicalities were discussed and the dreaded toilet issue came up. Our toilets are in the general area of the office and outside of our firms remit. Whilst we are the sole occupiers on our floor, we do have visitors from others so this may be a delicate subject for the landlords never mind my firm. It has to be addressed however and a nominated trans friendly toilet is a possibility. I came out of that meeting with such a sense of knowing who I am and how life can be for me. I was buzzing for days.
As is life, this doesnt last lol. It may be me but I have lows and then have to think them out, work through why I have got to that point and how I can work my way out of it. Its a process I evolved from a previous issue with my mental health dating back to 15th April 1989. Google the date and you will I trust understand. A life threatening situation. A tough decade followed where I fine tuned my ability to react to adverse mental issues. A few days of analysis and thought and I had solved the conundrum and was back on track. I see these doubts and the process of reinforcement of my path as proof of my intent is true to me and the correct way forward.
I have in recent months started reading trans based books. Rhiannon Styles "A new girl" (signed copy no less) has been followed by Juno Dawson "The Gender Games". I would recommend both (ill lend them if you want) to those who want to understand the nuances of transgenderism.
Its clear we all have different journeys. The traditional view is "born in the wrong body" or when growing up wanting to do "girly" things. I dont think ive ever fallen into that precise story. I was more a middle of the road person. I did all the manly things but at the same time secretly felt I wanted to do more feminine. I was as stated before shy as a child and perhaps unable to express my thoughts and needs adequately not least as I struggled to understand what was going on.
I felt some guilt at not having had this chronology but as time has progressed recently and the more Ive read, I have come to really appreciate the differences that all transgender orientated people go through. We are after all individuals and why should we all have the same back story. I am at ease with the apparent contradiction on being a parent and largely a heterosexual existence so far with a deep seated and suppressed gender and sexual fluidity.
So where are we now. Well I'm firmly on track although having to find a patience I didnt think I had. I so want to move forward but have to temper that with the exit from my current life. So how do I manage this. Planning for the future helps occupy my mind, from where I will live to how I will manage living as Amanda. My love life looks rosy with plenty interested.
In the meantime I try and sneak as much of Amanda into my life as I can. Dress down days in work usually involve a surreptitious change in clothing. No one would know to look although underneath there is definitely a difference some times up to 50%. I believe that once I am out in work fully (already started writing that e-mail in my head) then dress down Fridays in time will present the perfect opportunity to slowly bring Amanda out to people. A night out in the Manchester Village and inviting those from work along I think is a summer night out to really start the change over.
Ive embraced my inner self. Ive started buying home furnishings and 2 Lady Gaga albums. Happy girl I really am lol.
One small glitch to get over is telling my immediate management. I thought about doing it this week. Part of me wants it over and part of me feels it can wait. I am conscious of not leaving a gap between being out and then nothing happening. I want a smooth progression but life isn't like that. Whilst in my meeting reassurances about discrimination were provided I remain nervous of this be it positive (they only got that because they are a tranny) to the more obvious negative discrimination of being removed from projects etc. I may be calling it wrong but I am more nervous about this than telling the rest of the office. Coloring my hair and ear piercing can than go ahead without the need to lie (I hate this part of being in the closet most) or deceive and slowly I can start being me.
One final thing. Will lingerie manufacturers please stock 38C bras. I will gladly spend good money on expensive lingerie but If you don't stock my size then I cant!! Why this size you ask when I don't have natural breasts yet. Well the band measurement is correct for me. The cup size for now I can chose but I am conscious of proportion to my frame and what is achievable through hormones. A C cup appears right and balanced on both issues. Ladies tell me if I'm wrong?
I will leave you with a plea and a hope. As for the plea, I am very happy being Amanda. I have told a few more friends and still am amazed at the lack of questions. I would have loads lol. Don't be afraid of what to say. I am very easy going and not easily offended. Terminology etc will come right in due course so don't be afraid to trip up. I wont be offended and wont hold it against you.
As to the hope, to one couple who have been so supportive of me and become dear friends, whatever happens I am here for you both and I hope to see you either together or as individuals soon.
Thanks as always for listening and ask away....please
Love
Amanda Grace Hilton.
xxx
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