Confidence and doubts
Hi All.
On checking the numbers on this blog, it appears im getting quite an audience now. I hope its as enlightening for you all as it is for me to pour out my thoughts. This process still has a very cathartic outcome.
Ive just come out of a fortnight of serious reflection and thought. I am the type of person that has to process all the angles and thoughts before committing to something. Then periodically something will pop up that I haven't thought of and I've got to go through that process all again. Fortunately as you cover more and more issues, these periods seem to become less and less and each time I tick off another thought or consequence.
This process for me is all about confidence and eradicating doubt. In a world without consequence and a more compassionate world I wouldn't be having half the thoughts that I have. I have realised that to move forward I have to change me not just externally but internally.
As I have alluded to in earlier posts, I haven't been a particularly confident person inside. I have had low self worth and body confidence. I have become paranoid about what others think rather than focusing on myself and whats best for me. I now realise I have to solve this problem. Thats what I am going to concentrate on in the coming weeks. I may even consider seeking professional assistance. Therapy more than anything although I could really do with just a long chat. Heart on the sleeve remember.
In the meantime just a few little tweaks to report.
About 6 weeks ago I switched deodorant to a more feminine one and have stuck with it since. Lotus flower and pomegranate! I didn't mention it previously as I wanted to see if anyone would spot it or say anything. No one has! Not sure what that says lol.
The hair I realized needed more than just a cursory wash and towel dry, so I've invested in a hair dryer. There are so many choices but I think I have bought well and noticed the difference already. Hair is straighter and starting to behave as I want it. Still need to pick up the courage to go and get it styled but as alluded to above, all about confidence. Next step is looking at styling products to keep it in shape during the day. I am on the brink of a pony tail length so a few hair items to hold it will be bought next.
Underwear draw has had a top up. I'm now in a position where I can wear feminine undies everyday if I want. You will just have to guess if I am or not lol. Most happy with the purchases and very comfy.
Next up is the wedding outfit. Have narrowed if down very much now to style and colour. Nearly there and a few items have caught my attention. Hopefully by the next blog i'll be either there or thereabouts. Just need to decide if I go with a neutral hat or one in the same colour. Know what style I want, large brim with a large bow. Don't get these fascinator things. I prefer something more substantial.
Before I go I just want to leave you with a few thoughts...
The press are reporting some rubbish on trans issues at the moment. The point of being trans is simple. We want to be the gender who we most identify with. The reality is that pre op we are required to live in that gender for at least a year upwards of two. I will therefore at some point be seeking to use ladies toilets and changing rooms. I can assure you my sole intent is to have a pee and try clothes on. I want to hide my masculinity so much and therefore want to blend in so much. I assure you I have no nefarious intent at all. All transwomen I know are the same. The stories and fears are misplaced. Changes to the GRA will make it easier but will still require a legal process to change. If a man wants to have nefarious intent with a woman, you can just read the press now to see how they do it and the changes to the GRA will have no change to that at all. I despair in this day and age that we still have bigots out there mainly acting without reference to evidence instead seeking to justify their view with scare stories. See how many other countries have self identification and the complete lack of problems with any issue since. Check out Paris Lees on Twitter and also Trans Actual for a more evidence based critique. Ignore the papers.
Also gender identity and sexual preference arent linked and are not mutually inclusive. Its a varied and diverse world out there. I have found from reading up on such matters that my feminist head is very much starting to develop. I am seeing the misogyny and sexism now I have started to view gender in a different light. I am quite surprised how blatant it is and embarrassed by the extent. I am likely at some point going to become quite active in LGBT rights and lobbying. I feel a need to make sure the future is better than the past. I have noticed a real change these last months in my outlook on many things which is proving to me that the real me is coming out. I am finding my tastes are refining nicely as well lol.
I also think I have had a breakthrough with my father. He still is far from at ease and was rather skeptical of trans issues generally. He clearly has been swotting up. There was some concern expressed about influence on children who think they may be trans but I pointed out that I knew since I was about 10/11 that I was likely trans although didnt know for sure what it was exactly. I pointed out that I had no such support and couldnt raise it with anyone. I think it came to him as a shock that I had those issues and he hadnt spotted it and more importantly felt that I couldnt raise it with him or my mum. If you read this Dad, I dont hold anything against you. It took me years to work all this out and the times in which I grew up werent exactly trans liberating.
So where next. That itch of coming out is getting strong again. I think its time to cover off the last 121 notifications and then start thinking about generally letting the world know. Ive decided thus that this will be a summer to remember as I move away from my faux gender and embrace my true gender. I'll have fun making the change and look forward to introducing Amanda socially to those who havent met her yet. Lets hit the town one night!
In the meantime again feel free to ask me anything either on or off line and I will do my best to answer.
Love as always
Amanda
xxx
On checking the numbers on this blog, it appears im getting quite an audience now. I hope its as enlightening for you all as it is for me to pour out my thoughts. This process still has a very cathartic outcome.
Ive just come out of a fortnight of serious reflection and thought. I am the type of person that has to process all the angles and thoughts before committing to something. Then periodically something will pop up that I haven't thought of and I've got to go through that process all again. Fortunately as you cover more and more issues, these periods seem to become less and less and each time I tick off another thought or consequence.
This process for me is all about confidence and eradicating doubt. In a world without consequence and a more compassionate world I wouldn't be having half the thoughts that I have. I have realised that to move forward I have to change me not just externally but internally.
As I have alluded to in earlier posts, I haven't been a particularly confident person inside. I have had low self worth and body confidence. I have become paranoid about what others think rather than focusing on myself and whats best for me. I now realise I have to solve this problem. Thats what I am going to concentrate on in the coming weeks. I may even consider seeking professional assistance. Therapy more than anything although I could really do with just a long chat. Heart on the sleeve remember.
In the meantime just a few little tweaks to report.
About 6 weeks ago I switched deodorant to a more feminine one and have stuck with it since. Lotus flower and pomegranate! I didn't mention it previously as I wanted to see if anyone would spot it or say anything. No one has! Not sure what that says lol.
The hair I realized needed more than just a cursory wash and towel dry, so I've invested in a hair dryer. There are so many choices but I think I have bought well and noticed the difference already. Hair is straighter and starting to behave as I want it. Still need to pick up the courage to go and get it styled but as alluded to above, all about confidence. Next step is looking at styling products to keep it in shape during the day. I am on the brink of a pony tail length so a few hair items to hold it will be bought next.
Underwear draw has had a top up. I'm now in a position where I can wear feminine undies everyday if I want. You will just have to guess if I am or not lol. Most happy with the purchases and very comfy.
Next up is the wedding outfit. Have narrowed if down very much now to style and colour. Nearly there and a few items have caught my attention. Hopefully by the next blog i'll be either there or thereabouts. Just need to decide if I go with a neutral hat or one in the same colour. Know what style I want, large brim with a large bow. Don't get these fascinator things. I prefer something more substantial.
Before I go I just want to leave you with a few thoughts...
The press are reporting some rubbish on trans issues at the moment. The point of being trans is simple. We want to be the gender who we most identify with. The reality is that pre op we are required to live in that gender for at least a year upwards of two. I will therefore at some point be seeking to use ladies toilets and changing rooms. I can assure you my sole intent is to have a pee and try clothes on. I want to hide my masculinity so much and therefore want to blend in so much. I assure you I have no nefarious intent at all. All transwomen I know are the same. The stories and fears are misplaced. Changes to the GRA will make it easier but will still require a legal process to change. If a man wants to have nefarious intent with a woman, you can just read the press now to see how they do it and the changes to the GRA will have no change to that at all. I despair in this day and age that we still have bigots out there mainly acting without reference to evidence instead seeking to justify their view with scare stories. See how many other countries have self identification and the complete lack of problems with any issue since. Check out Paris Lees on Twitter and also Trans Actual for a more evidence based critique. Ignore the papers.
Also gender identity and sexual preference arent linked and are not mutually inclusive. Its a varied and diverse world out there. I have found from reading up on such matters that my feminist head is very much starting to develop. I am seeing the misogyny and sexism now I have started to view gender in a different light. I am quite surprised how blatant it is and embarrassed by the extent. I am likely at some point going to become quite active in LGBT rights and lobbying. I feel a need to make sure the future is better than the past. I have noticed a real change these last months in my outlook on many things which is proving to me that the real me is coming out. I am finding my tastes are refining nicely as well lol.
I also think I have had a breakthrough with my father. He still is far from at ease and was rather skeptical of trans issues generally. He clearly has been swotting up. There was some concern expressed about influence on children who think they may be trans but I pointed out that I knew since I was about 10/11 that I was likely trans although didnt know for sure what it was exactly. I pointed out that I had no such support and couldnt raise it with anyone. I think it came to him as a shock that I had those issues and he hadnt spotted it and more importantly felt that I couldnt raise it with him or my mum. If you read this Dad, I dont hold anything against you. It took me years to work all this out and the times in which I grew up werent exactly trans liberating.
So where next. That itch of coming out is getting strong again. I think its time to cover off the last 121 notifications and then start thinking about generally letting the world know. Ive decided thus that this will be a summer to remember as I move away from my faux gender and embrace my true gender. I'll have fun making the change and look forward to introducing Amanda socially to those who havent met her yet. Lets hit the town one night!
In the meantime again feel free to ask me anything either on or off line and I will do my best to answer.
Love as always
Amanda
xxx
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