Feelings
Hi all and thanks again to those who are regular readers and those just tuning it.
Been a few weeks since I last posted anything so thought it was overdue. News is I am away soon with a weekend in Blackpool and my usual haunts. Been a while but going to be so different this time as the confidence has gone up leaps and bounds since I was last there. Also be the first time out there without a wig. Colouring needs a top up but will be part of my regime this time. Looking forward to it and the long term forecast is good. Catch up with old friends and new venues will be good. Still hope to be chatted up!
Clothes hunt is kicking on. Really have enough bar shoes to go to work now but not enough variety so be a while yet for that. Also just a hat short of my wedding outfit so all going to plan there. Midweek wedding so have planned to let Amanda go on her first holiday either side of the wedding. Will only be dressed as her for what will I hope be about 8/9 days in the UK. South Wales beforehand and through to Bristol for the wedding and then onto Brighton thereafter. Really looking forward to the latter and some night life and exploring. Regardless will be totally relaxed and at ease. Fun should be had.
Hope to catch Liverpool pride at the end of he month but will be just me in my male mode unless something happens to change that. First pride and will make up for missing Sparkle. Gutted but as divorce seems more complex than Brexit, will be next year before I can properly hit the pride circuit and attend local support groups etc. I feel so happy with my future life that to turn up in my current guise feels a bit of a fraud. I have also thought to bring forward changes I intend to make.
I was intending when I get my own house to live domestically for probably 6 months and then start the process of formal change and then coming to work. I have decided to bring that forward. I am confident enough now that I should hit the ground running when I get my new place and within a few weeks max start to live full time. That will mean deed poll change of name and then change of bank details, passport and driving license. Once I have those in process then I will notify work that I intend to start working as Amanda. Hopefully that should shave off a good 3 to 4 months and keep me on target for early 2019 living full time.
A couple of things have come up since the last blog.
One for the ladies. How do I engage with you about fashion etc. There are people I work and mix with who I have watched closely. This is to learn how to dress, act and what styles will suit me. People with similar complexion, of the taller variety and just people whose fashion sense I feel rings a bell with me. Is it acceptable (as a male) knowing what you know about me for me to ask about where a dress is from or shoes etc. I feel slightly awkward at the moment asking but am keen to learn and if I ask I can assure you its a compliment.
I also received a comment on this blog about what my feelings were. Well that as you have read in the past is a big subject as I am very much heart on the sleeve and a complex thinker.
I now believe that I am living in the wrong body. I feel that my "soul" is female and am starting as I develop to feel more repulsed by the way I am. I imagine day to day living properly and the start of physical changes that I yearn. All those barriers I had built up over the years have come crashing down and I see the new me coming out. Yes its frustrating as I cant yet be me all the time but I know its coming and that's keeping me going. I feel a huge sense of relief. Mentally its tiring to constantly deny who you are, to think over everything many times to ensure you aren't found out and to constantly have to create a persona that isn't you. Yes it becomes second nature but you have to work hard to make sure you don't slip up. I am mightily relieved that I don't now in most of my life have to do that. There is an increased feeling of serenity, contentment and perhaps most importantly completeness. Once I start living as Amanda particularly at work, I feel that there will be a sudden sense of the jigsaw being complete. Amanda socially is one thing but professionally will be something special. Signing letters, taking calls, and presenting myself outwardly as a professional woman will be really something. The whole process is very emotional and of deep meaning to me.
So thanks again for listening. As always feel free to ask anything and hopefully next time I will fill you in on Blackpool (might blog live) and start detailing my plans for my "icebreaker" night out with work.
Take care and love always
Amanda
💘💖💗
Been a few weeks since I last posted anything so thought it was overdue. News is I am away soon with a weekend in Blackpool and my usual haunts. Been a while but going to be so different this time as the confidence has gone up leaps and bounds since I was last there. Also be the first time out there without a wig. Colouring needs a top up but will be part of my regime this time. Looking forward to it and the long term forecast is good. Catch up with old friends and new venues will be good. Still hope to be chatted up!
Clothes hunt is kicking on. Really have enough bar shoes to go to work now but not enough variety so be a while yet for that. Also just a hat short of my wedding outfit so all going to plan there. Midweek wedding so have planned to let Amanda go on her first holiday either side of the wedding. Will only be dressed as her for what will I hope be about 8/9 days in the UK. South Wales beforehand and through to Bristol for the wedding and then onto Brighton thereafter. Really looking forward to the latter and some night life and exploring. Regardless will be totally relaxed and at ease. Fun should be had.
Hope to catch Liverpool pride at the end of he month but will be just me in my male mode unless something happens to change that. First pride and will make up for missing Sparkle. Gutted but as divorce seems more complex than Brexit, will be next year before I can properly hit the pride circuit and attend local support groups etc. I feel so happy with my future life that to turn up in my current guise feels a bit of a fraud. I have also thought to bring forward changes I intend to make.
I was intending when I get my own house to live domestically for probably 6 months and then start the process of formal change and then coming to work. I have decided to bring that forward. I am confident enough now that I should hit the ground running when I get my new place and within a few weeks max start to live full time. That will mean deed poll change of name and then change of bank details, passport and driving license. Once I have those in process then I will notify work that I intend to start working as Amanda. Hopefully that should shave off a good 3 to 4 months and keep me on target for early 2019 living full time.
A couple of things have come up since the last blog.
One for the ladies. How do I engage with you about fashion etc. There are people I work and mix with who I have watched closely. This is to learn how to dress, act and what styles will suit me. People with similar complexion, of the taller variety and just people whose fashion sense I feel rings a bell with me. Is it acceptable (as a male) knowing what you know about me for me to ask about where a dress is from or shoes etc. I feel slightly awkward at the moment asking but am keen to learn and if I ask I can assure you its a compliment.
I also received a comment on this blog about what my feelings were. Well that as you have read in the past is a big subject as I am very much heart on the sleeve and a complex thinker.
I now believe that I am living in the wrong body. I feel that my "soul" is female and am starting as I develop to feel more repulsed by the way I am. I imagine day to day living properly and the start of physical changes that I yearn. All those barriers I had built up over the years have come crashing down and I see the new me coming out. Yes its frustrating as I cant yet be me all the time but I know its coming and that's keeping me going. I feel a huge sense of relief. Mentally its tiring to constantly deny who you are, to think over everything many times to ensure you aren't found out and to constantly have to create a persona that isn't you. Yes it becomes second nature but you have to work hard to make sure you don't slip up. I am mightily relieved that I don't now in most of my life have to do that. There is an increased feeling of serenity, contentment and perhaps most importantly completeness. Once I start living as Amanda particularly at work, I feel that there will be a sudden sense of the jigsaw being complete. Amanda socially is one thing but professionally will be something special. Signing letters, taking calls, and presenting myself outwardly as a professional woman will be really something. The whole process is very emotional and of deep meaning to me.
So thanks again for listening. As always feel free to ask anything and hopefully next time I will fill you in on Blackpool (might blog live) and start detailing my plans for my "icebreaker" night out with work.
Take care and love always
Amanda
💘💖💗
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