Light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey there
Thanks as always for tuning in. I am guessing I have a varied audience from all parts of my life past and present. Please dont sit in the shadows. It helps me a fair bit to know who is reading this firstly that I know who my audience is and secondly that what I am doing is justified. Feedback would be great but a nod to say you are reading this would be good.
So after my trip in my last blog, my confidence is flowing. I am looking ahead towards my ice breaker with my work colleagues. I think I'm down to about 3 possible outfits! I'm sure as I get closer I'll narrow them down further or indeed be influenced by the weather. I feel the chill in the air notably in the mornings now so I may have to cover up a little. I know I have shown the photos of me to people either 1-2-1 or they have seen them on social media but there isn't anything like seeing me in the flesh. Thinking about it I don't think anyone who has found out has seen me yet dressed. This will therefore be a pretty big thing. If you are reading this and coming (because you work with me), then please just treat it as another night out. I'll try and circulate not least to thank you all for being so understanding but I hope you enjoy the night regardless. On Bar in Canal Street is looking odds on at the moment with Via as back up or move onto later.
Preparation for going full time is progressing well on a few fronts. I think by now I have a wardrobe where I can do the 4 days needed at work. (we dress down each Friday so thats cool anyway). All I need is a suit for the more formal days in court (I'm a Lawyer) and meeting clients. Ive seen one in M+S so that may well get a purchase.
As for home life well at last progress is being made. We have a buyer for the house and an agreed price. I am on the brink of agreeing the divorce terms and have started house hunting. Early days but I'm hopefully that I will be free and in my own place soon.
As to other aspects of my life, I continue to have issues with my father. I am told I am a good looking man and dont need to do this. He appears more concerned about the potential embarrassment of others rhan my own well being. As a parent myself I find that approach very confusing. I would support my children so long as its legal whatever path they chose in life. I am really struggling with him at the moment. I love him dearly but if this vein continues I think we will really struggle with our relationship in future. I am approaching a crossroads with him and fear that I may have to move forward without him. I hope we can find a meeting of minds on this but worry that his views are so entrenched that I cant see a compromise. My brother who I barely see keeps asking if I "am ok" and my dad sees that as he expressing concern about my change as well. As my brothers only ever concern was himself I find his indirect inquiry merely fanning the flames of my dads doubt. I wish I could show him the support I have elsewhere in my life.
As to work, we are introducing a clear Trans policy which I have put my twopence in on. We are beginning a tour of the offices rolling this out and this means I will be fully out in work before the end of the year. I feel excited about this. I am coming to an end of the "coming out" phase of my change. Regular readers will note the lack of negativity. I feel I will shortly with all changes going on, to be able to live my life as who I am. I just wish as part of this process of introducing the policy in work I could be Amanda as I do it but logistically its difficult. I will try where I can but soon it wont be.
Thinking forward, I feel a sense that my current career is heading towards its end. Next year will be 30 years doing this job and 14 in my current firm.. With big changes afoot in my line of work due to government interference, It may as Amanda be time to look for a change and new challenge. I don't see progression at the moment compared to other firms with my experience but I would love any change in what I do to be where I currently work as I feel at home. I however feel a leaning towards making being Trans as an non event and perhaps some lobbying work or the like may be the place to be. Nothing urgent. I really if I can want to see out my transition where I am and show that I isnt an issue. That alone is worth hanging around for and I am really enjoying the opportunity that being the first open trans person in my firm presents not just personally but as an opportunity to be a trans trailblazer so to speak.
Life changes quickly so things may well change but in 5 years time I may well be at a point where the remainder of my working life may be best served helping my fellow transwomen and transmen. I know in the meantime once I am settled in my new home, that I intend to really get involved in the trans community and see where that takes me. If I look back the last 2 years I wouldn't have guessed where I would be now so to predict the future with that in mind would be naive of me.
Next blog will hopefully be post my night out with work. Between then, I hope to buy a house, top up my wardrobe and perhaps come out to the last 5% who don't yet know. No stress there at all!!
Just one last note to finish on. I hope that this blog shows elements of me that perhaps you didnt know. I have tried to be open as much as I can. I see no reason to hide or deceive. However be aware of one thing. I am beyond proud to the deepest part of my core of who I am. I may have ups and downs like we all do, but coming out and being able to express something that has been buried for so long has been revelatory and liberating. I will not ever return to how I was. My future is intrinsically Amanda and I hope you all that know me personally are there with me. I will make mistakes, I will get things wrong but I hope you will all be there to tell me nicely, put me back on track and be my friends because friendship to me is the greatest gift we can give,
Take care and see you soon
Love
Amanda GH
xxx
Thanks as always for tuning in. I am guessing I have a varied audience from all parts of my life past and present. Please dont sit in the shadows. It helps me a fair bit to know who is reading this firstly that I know who my audience is and secondly that what I am doing is justified. Feedback would be great but a nod to say you are reading this would be good.
So after my trip in my last blog, my confidence is flowing. I am looking ahead towards my ice breaker with my work colleagues. I think I'm down to about 3 possible outfits! I'm sure as I get closer I'll narrow them down further or indeed be influenced by the weather. I feel the chill in the air notably in the mornings now so I may have to cover up a little. I know I have shown the photos of me to people either 1-2-1 or they have seen them on social media but there isn't anything like seeing me in the flesh. Thinking about it I don't think anyone who has found out has seen me yet dressed. This will therefore be a pretty big thing. If you are reading this and coming (because you work with me), then please just treat it as another night out. I'll try and circulate not least to thank you all for being so understanding but I hope you enjoy the night regardless. On Bar in Canal Street is looking odds on at the moment with Via as back up or move onto later.
Preparation for going full time is progressing well on a few fronts. I think by now I have a wardrobe where I can do the 4 days needed at work. (we dress down each Friday so thats cool anyway). All I need is a suit for the more formal days in court (I'm a Lawyer) and meeting clients. Ive seen one in M+S so that may well get a purchase.
As for home life well at last progress is being made. We have a buyer for the house and an agreed price. I am on the brink of agreeing the divorce terms and have started house hunting. Early days but I'm hopefully that I will be free and in my own place soon.
As to other aspects of my life, I continue to have issues with my father. I am told I am a good looking man and dont need to do this. He appears more concerned about the potential embarrassment of others rhan my own well being. As a parent myself I find that approach very confusing. I would support my children so long as its legal whatever path they chose in life. I am really struggling with him at the moment. I love him dearly but if this vein continues I think we will really struggle with our relationship in future. I am approaching a crossroads with him and fear that I may have to move forward without him. I hope we can find a meeting of minds on this but worry that his views are so entrenched that I cant see a compromise. My brother who I barely see keeps asking if I "am ok" and my dad sees that as he expressing concern about my change as well. As my brothers only ever concern was himself I find his indirect inquiry merely fanning the flames of my dads doubt. I wish I could show him the support I have elsewhere in my life.
As to work, we are introducing a clear Trans policy which I have put my twopence in on. We are beginning a tour of the offices rolling this out and this means I will be fully out in work before the end of the year. I feel excited about this. I am coming to an end of the "coming out" phase of my change. Regular readers will note the lack of negativity. I feel I will shortly with all changes going on, to be able to live my life as who I am. I just wish as part of this process of introducing the policy in work I could be Amanda as I do it but logistically its difficult. I will try where I can but soon it wont be.
Thinking forward, I feel a sense that my current career is heading towards its end. Next year will be 30 years doing this job and 14 in my current firm.. With big changes afoot in my line of work due to government interference, It may as Amanda be time to look for a change and new challenge. I don't see progression at the moment compared to other firms with my experience but I would love any change in what I do to be where I currently work as I feel at home. I however feel a leaning towards making being Trans as an non event and perhaps some lobbying work or the like may be the place to be. Nothing urgent. I really if I can want to see out my transition where I am and show that I isnt an issue. That alone is worth hanging around for and I am really enjoying the opportunity that being the first open trans person in my firm presents not just personally but as an opportunity to be a trans trailblazer so to speak.
Life changes quickly so things may well change but in 5 years time I may well be at a point where the remainder of my working life may be best served helping my fellow transwomen and transmen. I know in the meantime once I am settled in my new home, that I intend to really get involved in the trans community and see where that takes me. If I look back the last 2 years I wouldn't have guessed where I would be now so to predict the future with that in mind would be naive of me.
Next blog will hopefully be post my night out with work. Between then, I hope to buy a house, top up my wardrobe and perhaps come out to the last 5% who don't yet know. No stress there at all!!
Just one last note to finish on. I hope that this blog shows elements of me that perhaps you didnt know. I have tried to be open as much as I can. I see no reason to hide or deceive. However be aware of one thing. I am beyond proud to the deepest part of my core of who I am. I may have ups and downs like we all do, but coming out and being able to express something that has been buried for so long has been revelatory and liberating. I will not ever return to how I was. My future is intrinsically Amanda and I hope you all that know me personally are there with me. I will make mistakes, I will get things wrong but I hope you will all be there to tell me nicely, put me back on track and be my friends because friendship to me is the greatest gift we can give,
Take care and see you soon
Love
Amanda GH
xxx
Interesting read, Amanda. Great to hear there's progress about the house sale - crossed fingers there's a resolution soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's unfortunate about your dad's attitude. It's too easy to say it's a generation/age thing but I'm a mid 60's man and it doesn't bother me. Hang in there...
First time I've commented. The blog iis interesting and eye-opening. ☺