Things are changing
Hi all,
Had to take stock of a lot of things since I last blogged so thought it was time for an update.
However as new people are i see reading this all the time, I have put in an Index page to allow people to look back through the blog and read anything that they particularly want.
For those coming fresh, I am a middle aged MTF transwoman. I am out 98% and preparing to divorce, move house and start living full time.
So whats been happening....
Unfortunately the house sale fell through, so the "plan" as was whilst in terms of periods and scale, is still valid but the trigger has been delayed. House back on the market and interest shown so hopefully wont be long but I wont now presume anything until the ink is dried on the contracts. I admit for a few days this hit me hard. As always a period of reflection and I got through that drop.
If anything this last two years has told me then I have to be patient and considered but at the same time I can and will do things in the interim to narrow the things that will need to be done and make the preparation smoother.I know where I am going and how I am going to get there. I just need to keep the faith. If you see me low, then please help me pull it round. Support of people is important to me and I thanks those that have been so far.
I had alluded to in a previous blog, that I felt perhaps my Brother wasn't as supportive as I hoped. We aren't close and never have been, therefore my expectations weren't particularly high and perhaps that is where I came from. An online chat this week cleared the air a little. I will readily admit when I have got something wrong or made an error of judgment. I perhaps let myself be blinkered by past thoughts and others interpretation of the situation. He's cool and that's all I can hope for.
I have also booked my hotel for my works Christmas Party. I will be going as Amanda so needed somewhere to change in advance (and afterwards) and as home still isn't a safe place then I needed somewhere to stay. Looking forward to it.
I also had another "Lunch and Learn" session at work on Transgender Issues. The idea is threefold. One we promote our new transitioning at work policy, two we inform about trans terms and educate through an outside speaker (Kris - Top guy) and I get to give my experience / history which in essence is me coming out.
Birmingham it was this week. 30 or so attendees and went really well. The feedback we are getting is excellent. It is helping explain and for me personally puts a face to trans issues. I look back through this blog and my fears and concerns. If you had told me 12 months ago that I would be coming out and discussing my trans history like this I would have called you mad. However I am finding it cathartic and hopefully helping people understand. As well as in work, if they take this home or out with friends then it can only help the trans community as well.
Bristol is next in 2 weeks. Biggest office (de-facto head office) so hopefully biggest crowd. Two sessions, one the lunch time session that I have done before in my male guise. But later in the day an evening Q&A. This latter session however I will be Amanda and part of a panel answering questions. Big step again but I am so ready for this. I felt I had to show people as Amanda as part of this process. I have done this locally but as part of this process I feel it should do this as well. Outfit chosen (classy and smart) and hopefully can show people the future and be eloquent on this. Looking forward to catching up with a close friend on that trip as well.
After that, I feel then it will be time to come out formally in work. Whilst gossip will be passing this on no doubt to those that didnt attend, I think there is a need to formalize this. This will also set the ground work for coming out outside of the organization and how it will affect my day to day job in the short term. Long term I am increasingly seeing this i.e. public speaking on trans issues as part of if not the key part of my working life.
As to the prep, I had a wardrobe review. Managed to have some time to play with some outfits and how they will be for work. Happy that I have a good and varied work wardrobe now. Pretty much have in my mind my first days work outfit as well. Also tried on my Christmas Party outfit and quite happy with that as well. May augment it with some accessories updates but sparkly shoes are ready and dress is excellent. Had a clear out also of previous Amanda dresses. I have changed so much in last 12 - 18mths and my wardrobe shows this . A lot of what I used to wear I wouldn't now. Its someone pretending to be Amanda whereas now this is me and this is how I will live. Its not dressing up, its not pretending, its that deep part I have denied for so long coming out.
Few more key bits to get. Low heel boots, perhaps a cardigan and maybe trainers? Undies also for day to day are on the list as is day to day jewellery. Need more perfume as well.
I am auburn in hair colour now. However when I go full time I am going to embrace my inner red head. Had previously wanted a bob haircut but now think I am going to let it continue to grow. I am over shoulder length just now so by this time next year I should be at the length I want it. Need to get some volume into it though.
Little thing, Wear my hair up in work mainly now. Band holds it in a pony tail. Friday replaced that with a glam gold and colours hair clip from Monsoon. Nothing said. In the past I would be worried. Not now. Just means I am accepted or people are myopic lol.
Also been smooth now for 2 years. So want it to be permanently but regime is coping for now.
One last search for advice. I love fashion, love reading up on such things and shopping. However I|f you are female and know me, please include me in anything you chat about. Just because I am currently male doesn't mean I am not interested. Also how do I ask you about stuff you are wearing without sounding odd. I am genuinely interested and want to know where you get stuff from etc. Just feels awkward at the moment.
So next update will be after my Bristol trip. Really looking forward to it and telling my story to the widest audience.Also planning a future blog on those people who influenced me most both unknown and famous.
As always ask away. I will reply to contacts here or contact me on twitter @amandahilton71 or skype AmandaHilton or find me on Facebook / Instagram. Those who have my mobile can WhatsApp me.
Thanks as always for listening.
Love
Amanda GH
XXX
Had to take stock of a lot of things since I last blogged so thought it was time for an update.
However as new people are i see reading this all the time, I have put in an Index page to allow people to look back through the blog and read anything that they particularly want.
For those coming fresh, I am a middle aged MTF transwoman. I am out 98% and preparing to divorce, move house and start living full time.
So whats been happening....
Unfortunately the house sale fell through, so the "plan" as was whilst in terms of periods and scale, is still valid but the trigger has been delayed. House back on the market and interest shown so hopefully wont be long but I wont now presume anything until the ink is dried on the contracts. I admit for a few days this hit me hard. As always a period of reflection and I got through that drop.
If anything this last two years has told me then I have to be patient and considered but at the same time I can and will do things in the interim to narrow the things that will need to be done and make the preparation smoother.I know where I am going and how I am going to get there. I just need to keep the faith. If you see me low, then please help me pull it round. Support of people is important to me and I thanks those that have been so far.
I had alluded to in a previous blog, that I felt perhaps my Brother wasn't as supportive as I hoped. We aren't close and never have been, therefore my expectations weren't particularly high and perhaps that is where I came from. An online chat this week cleared the air a little. I will readily admit when I have got something wrong or made an error of judgment. I perhaps let myself be blinkered by past thoughts and others interpretation of the situation. He's cool and that's all I can hope for.
I have also booked my hotel for my works Christmas Party. I will be going as Amanda so needed somewhere to change in advance (and afterwards) and as home still isn't a safe place then I needed somewhere to stay. Looking forward to it.
I also had another "Lunch and Learn" session at work on Transgender Issues. The idea is threefold. One we promote our new transitioning at work policy, two we inform about trans terms and educate through an outside speaker (Kris - Top guy) and I get to give my experience / history which in essence is me coming out.
Birmingham it was this week. 30 or so attendees and went really well. The feedback we are getting is excellent. It is helping explain and for me personally puts a face to trans issues. I look back through this blog and my fears and concerns. If you had told me 12 months ago that I would be coming out and discussing my trans history like this I would have called you mad. However I am finding it cathartic and hopefully helping people understand. As well as in work, if they take this home or out with friends then it can only help the trans community as well.
Bristol is next in 2 weeks. Biggest office (de-facto head office) so hopefully biggest crowd. Two sessions, one the lunch time session that I have done before in my male guise. But later in the day an evening Q&A. This latter session however I will be Amanda and part of a panel answering questions. Big step again but I am so ready for this. I felt I had to show people as Amanda as part of this process. I have done this locally but as part of this process I feel it should do this as well. Outfit chosen (classy and smart) and hopefully can show people the future and be eloquent on this. Looking forward to catching up with a close friend on that trip as well.
After that, I feel then it will be time to come out formally in work. Whilst gossip will be passing this on no doubt to those that didnt attend, I think there is a need to formalize this. This will also set the ground work for coming out outside of the organization and how it will affect my day to day job in the short term. Long term I am increasingly seeing this i.e. public speaking on trans issues as part of if not the key part of my working life.
As to the prep, I had a wardrobe review. Managed to have some time to play with some outfits and how they will be for work. Happy that I have a good and varied work wardrobe now. Pretty much have in my mind my first days work outfit as well. Also tried on my Christmas Party outfit and quite happy with that as well. May augment it with some accessories updates but sparkly shoes are ready and dress is excellent. Had a clear out also of previous Amanda dresses. I have changed so much in last 12 - 18mths and my wardrobe shows this . A lot of what I used to wear I wouldn't now. Its someone pretending to be Amanda whereas now this is me and this is how I will live. Its not dressing up, its not pretending, its that deep part I have denied for so long coming out.
Few more key bits to get. Low heel boots, perhaps a cardigan and maybe trainers? Undies also for day to day are on the list as is day to day jewellery. Need more perfume as well.
I am auburn in hair colour now. However when I go full time I am going to embrace my inner red head. Had previously wanted a bob haircut but now think I am going to let it continue to grow. I am over shoulder length just now so by this time next year I should be at the length I want it. Need to get some volume into it though.
Little thing, Wear my hair up in work mainly now. Band holds it in a pony tail. Friday replaced that with a glam gold and colours hair clip from Monsoon. Nothing said. In the past I would be worried. Not now. Just means I am accepted or people are myopic lol.
Also been smooth now for 2 years. So want it to be permanently but regime is coping for now.
One last search for advice. I love fashion, love reading up on such things and shopping. However I|f you are female and know me, please include me in anything you chat about. Just because I am currently male doesn't mean I am not interested. Also how do I ask you about stuff you are wearing without sounding odd. I am genuinely interested and want to know where you get stuff from etc. Just feels awkward at the moment.
So next update will be after my Bristol trip. Really looking forward to it and telling my story to the widest audience.Also planning a future blog on those people who influenced me most both unknown and famous.
As always ask away. I will reply to contacts here or contact me on twitter @amandahilton71 or skype AmandaHilton or find me on Facebook / Instagram. Those who have my mobile can WhatsApp me.
Thanks as always for listening.
Love
Amanda GH
XXX
Was really sad to hear about the house sale. Stay strong! All the best for the trip to Bristol - I'm sure the work side of things will continue to go well.
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