Disappointment

Hello there.

I am usually an optimistic person albeit mixed with a degree of realism. No point thinking I will win £millions on the lottery when the odds are better with £10 winnings.

So I tend to trundle through life aiming for the positive with a distinct eye on what is actually achievable. I however tend not to be that patient. Once I have thought something through and determined the plan of action I do like to move things on. At that point being out of control of my destiny is very uncomfortable.

These last couple of years seem to have been continually at that point i.e. ready to push on and just cant seem to get the lot together to proceed. The house / divorce have been entirely that with the former pushing the latter.

A sale fell through at the end of last year and was replaced quickly albeit in a big chain. The latter has now fallen through but the viewings continues and I remain hopeful of progress soon. Amanda becoming herself is ready and just needs the house to sell. Not a lot more I can do in preparation now for that day but it still seems far away.

I must admit I am in a significant low at the moment. I am not enjoying my current life on a variety of fronts and not being Amanda is starting to hurt. It is difficult to explain and whilst outgoing I may seem relatively happy, the front is increasingly difficult to maintain. Pressures at work couldn't have come at a worse time and I am really disillusioned with life at the moment. It is taking at lot to keep on an even keel and I just hope what it over that hill means all this will have been worth it. To want something that you know has been part of you for a very long time and not quite yet being able to have it is torture.

I thought therefore that in the interim a weekend away as Amanda may help, Pop up to Blackpool to relieve the stress and just enjoy being me for a bit.

However the hotel I stay in is now under new managements. New name and whilst still LGBT now more focused on the gay male market.

I have said before and will repeat this. I am not a gay male and I do see my correct gender as female. I want a body to match that mindset and thus be an attractive female. That means any relationship I have as Amanda pre or post surgery would be from a female perspective in my mind. If that's with a male or female, I see myself as female in that relationship.

Secondly I am far from anti-gay. I have male gay friends and know trans girls who consider themselves more gay. I have been in many a gay bar now and mix very well with all. I have said before that there is a huge spectrum of gender identity and sexual orientations both separate and in co-existence. Life is short so you enjoy what you enjoy and don't be put off my others views.

However the hotel as was created an environment principally by the old owners where trans people could be themselves whether as a first time visit or regular. There was a community that was open, non judgmental and accepting. People you had never met before became friends and helped each other progress. I know I would not be where I am now if I had not started off with that environment and those people.

There is further some (not all) enmity from gay males towards the trans community and that sense of a complete "safe space" has been lost. The target market it seems is more towards the sex tourism end of the market as opposed to the social aspect that we had previously.

Girls I know who have visited there are disappointed and a lot have said that they will not return in light of the changes. Will this stop me visiting Blackpool? Hell no. There are alternative trans hotels and the mainstream market holds no qualms with me anymore. But I am sad that those who were like me have lost that potential to be themselves in an environment that was so accepting. It truly is sad.

There is a business opportunity there. Multi room properties in that part of Blackpool are ridiculously cheap. I can see me retiring there one day. In the interim you really could make a good business with a captive and regular clientele. If timing was somewhat different I may have been tempted myself. Perhaps in a few years who knows. If the commute was a bit shorter I would be tempted to locate there now.

Its 30 years working in the legal world this year and you sometimes get itchy for a change. Could I be an alternative Basil Fawlty LOL ? I am not sure but one day who knows. In the short term I am more likely to be a professional advocate for trans issues but you never know. Small win on the lottery and a B&B would be fun.

So that aside I continue to keep the wardrobe purchasers ongoing. Brown boots are next on the list and start kicking off the summer wardrobe. Looks like there will be more training to be done in work which I must say I enjoy doing.As the house move doesn't look imminent I think I need a night out. Perhaps Canal Street on a Saturday afternoon into evening would be fun. Mmmm 2 outfits needed. Anyone fancy joining me lol.

As always thanks for listening. Questions welcomed but perhaps more so about just day to day stuff like what heels I like or designers of shops.

Love xx

Amanda GH