Control
Hello All,
Sunday night and I'm blogging again. Was intending to do this on Friday just to be different but I forgot!
The title of this blog alludes to my destiny and the elements of control over it. Contrary to what most people think you rarely have total control over where you are going in life. Even the most bull headed person has to sometimes go with the flow. For me for these last few years I have felt that I have been largely swimming against the tide with little or no control. I sense that is turning
So where are we. As expected following my last blog matters did change. It seems my ex is buying a new house and hers wasn't ready. We are now looking at the first week in August. This seems pretty well firm for now as I am dodging boxes throughout the house.
Those that have read this blog and know me well know that I do not mourn the passing of the end of my marriage. The last 3 years has been tough and needlessly so. I wont rehash the past but I always think of the means to the end of any action I do. I never see sense in acting with hate or in a malicious way as it rarely achieves the end. That said, as a human I cannot help but sense a certain sadness that whilst it was always going to end that it had to end this way.
So be it. I am now avidly pursuing house sales to see what I can get for my buck and expect hopefully only a month or two with my dad. That I suspect will be equally testing lol! The delay has sort of meant that I don't now have to buy a summer wardrobe! Back to looking at jumpers etc!
In the short term I have a few big weekends coming up.
Pride at Bristol next weekend. Train and good hotel all booked so ready to go. Why Bristol? Well it is my firms defacto head office and they are sponsors. A logo'd gazebo will be up and running and Ive volunteered for most of the day. Friday will be travel and an evening out with a close friend. Saturday will be on the stall during the day, back to the hotel for a quick refresh / change and then party hard in the evening. Sunday morning is spoons full English and travel back but with the following week off then no stress involved. Its looking warm and Ive been playing around with outfits. Think I have it sussed but I will have a last think this week and take a few options to mix it with.
The following weekend (20th) is my birthday. My last living as a male. Wow there's a milestone or what. I am out in the village in Manchester with a dear friend (male but don't get any ideas lol) in the afternoon, evening and early hours. Local hotel booked! If you see me feel free to say hello or join us for a drink. I'm not buying mind lol.
The weekend after is Liverpool pride and unfortunately I'll be in male mode for that. My hometown gig so I'll potter along and give my support albeit not in the way hoped. I had looked at staying over so I could change but hotel prices in Liverpool are a nonsense. Next year i'll be able to jump on the train so much better then. I might get some shopping in that weekend instead. Really love wandering round the clothes shops now regardless of my identity I am expressing.
After that hopefully it will be moving out and then will I feel that matters are entirely in my control.
So I will leave with just one short note. I've alluded to the mental strain this has taken on me both long term and short term. The lack of control of my destiny has been very difficult. I've made many a mistake and misjudged both my own feelings and others. If you have felt awkward or felt that I may have done things differently or better then I truly am sorry. I've had significant lows and some very recently. I have tried to navigate through what was for me entirely unknown. I hope I can come out of this a much more settled soul knowing I am who I should be. In the interim any slack you can cut me is most welcomed. I wont take advantage of it but it helps me no end knowing that any error I make I shouldn't take to heart because its rare that I can just brush things off.
So going forward as I now have this blogging tool on my phone, I may well blog next weekend as the trip away progresses. If not you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Thanks as always for tuning in and apologies for the lack of pics!
Love
Amanda
xx
Sunday night and I'm blogging again. Was intending to do this on Friday just to be different but I forgot!
The title of this blog alludes to my destiny and the elements of control over it. Contrary to what most people think you rarely have total control over where you are going in life. Even the most bull headed person has to sometimes go with the flow. For me for these last few years I have felt that I have been largely swimming against the tide with little or no control. I sense that is turning
So where are we. As expected following my last blog matters did change. It seems my ex is buying a new house and hers wasn't ready. We are now looking at the first week in August. This seems pretty well firm for now as I am dodging boxes throughout the house.
Those that have read this blog and know me well know that I do not mourn the passing of the end of my marriage. The last 3 years has been tough and needlessly so. I wont rehash the past but I always think of the means to the end of any action I do. I never see sense in acting with hate or in a malicious way as it rarely achieves the end. That said, as a human I cannot help but sense a certain sadness that whilst it was always going to end that it had to end this way.
So be it. I am now avidly pursuing house sales to see what I can get for my buck and expect hopefully only a month or two with my dad. That I suspect will be equally testing lol! The delay has sort of meant that I don't now have to buy a summer wardrobe! Back to looking at jumpers etc!
In the short term I have a few big weekends coming up.
Pride at Bristol next weekend. Train and good hotel all booked so ready to go. Why Bristol? Well it is my firms defacto head office and they are sponsors. A logo'd gazebo will be up and running and Ive volunteered for most of the day. Friday will be travel and an evening out with a close friend. Saturday will be on the stall during the day, back to the hotel for a quick refresh / change and then party hard in the evening. Sunday morning is spoons full English and travel back but with the following week off then no stress involved. Its looking warm and Ive been playing around with outfits. Think I have it sussed but I will have a last think this week and take a few options to mix it with.
The following weekend (20th) is my birthday. My last living as a male. Wow there's a milestone or what. I am out in the village in Manchester with a dear friend (male but don't get any ideas lol) in the afternoon, evening and early hours. Local hotel booked! If you see me feel free to say hello or join us for a drink. I'm not buying mind lol.
The weekend after is Liverpool pride and unfortunately I'll be in male mode for that. My hometown gig so I'll potter along and give my support albeit not in the way hoped. I had looked at staying over so I could change but hotel prices in Liverpool are a nonsense. Next year i'll be able to jump on the train so much better then. I might get some shopping in that weekend instead. Really love wandering round the clothes shops now regardless of my identity I am expressing.
After that hopefully it will be moving out and then will I feel that matters are entirely in my control.
So I will leave with just one short note. I've alluded to the mental strain this has taken on me both long term and short term. The lack of control of my destiny has been very difficult. I've made many a mistake and misjudged both my own feelings and others. If you have felt awkward or felt that I may have done things differently or better then I truly am sorry. I've had significant lows and some very recently. I have tried to navigate through what was for me entirely unknown. I hope I can come out of this a much more settled soul knowing I am who I should be. In the interim any slack you can cut me is most welcomed. I wont take advantage of it but it helps me no end knowing that any error I make I shouldn't take to heart because its rare that I can just brush things off.
So going forward as I now have this blogging tool on my phone, I may well blog next weekend as the trip away progresses. If not you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Thanks as always for tuning in and apologies for the lack of pics!
Love
Amanda
xx
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