Rollercoaster
Hi all,
I thought about calling this blog revolution or the grand national but not sure if people would get the reference. Hope you did and a little bit of nerd just crept out lol
So as the title suggests there have been a few ups and downs since I last wrote.
I always like to end on positives so lets get the little downers out of the way.
Firstly no change on the family front. Heard nothing and coming up to 3 weeks now. All efforts at contact have been ignored. So be it. I think with my dad we have entered "dont ask dont tell" phase, although with my washing hanging up and my nightclothes having moved when I come home, I dont think he can miss where I am going lol
As I have said also in recent weeks I have been looking forward to my future and perhaps starting dating. Its a niche market so to speak and there is a perception by those on the other side that transwomen are thought as "disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits". Well a girl has needs so to speak but I have never been particularly comfortable with the meat market approach. That said hasnt stopped me partaking but i think as I get older I am becoming more fussy and selective. That did cause me to think that it may be a while before I can feel wanted. Living with gender dysphoria does leave you rather body conscious and with a huge degree of self loathing. The body I inhabit at the moment is not one my mind considers it should be in and as such I find it difficult to be confident even when dressed as Amanda. Compliments however well intentioned are difficult to accept. So even when I start living full time I think it may be a while before I am more comfortable in my new identity. That said I am open to whatever happens happening and you never know,
So turning to more positive things.
I had in past blogs alluded to looking in the mirror when I was younger and looking at the reflection and not seeing me and being unhappy with the reflection. Well one morning this week,, hair down, nightie on, I looked in the mirror and had a sudden rush of serenity i.e. the person looking back was getting a lot closer to "me". It was quite a feeling and reassured me that I am heading the right way
Also this weekend I attended the Manchester Pride Parade unfortunately in male mode albeit with some top notch company. I was heartened by the sheer volume of people both taking part and attending. The atmosphere was amazing, the acceptance overwhelming and despite the usual nut job protests of an increasingly smaller minority (one religious nut was literally foaming at the mouth he was so offended - poor sod might have had a heart attack by the end of the 200+ groups passing in front of him and popped off to meet his maker he seems so keen to believe is so judgmental) the people walking were cheered every step of the way by crowds at some point 5 deep.
I have largely missed Pride season this year but I think next year I will try and get involved perhaps convincing work to walk. Other law firms and firms around where we are did and I think we should be getting involved.The narcissist in you will love being cheered by 50k people!
So still waiting on the house but hopefully soon and then i can really ramp up the preparation,
Until then be good or if not be careful
Amanda
xx
I thought about calling this blog revolution or the grand national but not sure if people would get the reference. Hope you did and a little bit of nerd just crept out lol
So as the title suggests there have been a few ups and downs since I last wrote.
I always like to end on positives so lets get the little downers out of the way.
Firstly no change on the family front. Heard nothing and coming up to 3 weeks now. All efforts at contact have been ignored. So be it. I think with my dad we have entered "dont ask dont tell" phase, although with my washing hanging up and my nightclothes having moved when I come home, I dont think he can miss where I am going lol
As I have said also in recent weeks I have been looking forward to my future and perhaps starting dating. Its a niche market so to speak and there is a perception by those on the other side that transwomen are thought as "disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits". Well a girl has needs so to speak but I have never been particularly comfortable with the meat market approach. That said hasnt stopped me partaking but i think as I get older I am becoming more fussy and selective. That did cause me to think that it may be a while before I can feel wanted. Living with gender dysphoria does leave you rather body conscious and with a huge degree of self loathing. The body I inhabit at the moment is not one my mind considers it should be in and as such I find it difficult to be confident even when dressed as Amanda. Compliments however well intentioned are difficult to accept. So even when I start living full time I think it may be a while before I am more comfortable in my new identity. That said I am open to whatever happens happening and you never know,
So turning to more positive things.
I had in past blogs alluded to looking in the mirror when I was younger and looking at the reflection and not seeing me and being unhappy with the reflection. Well one morning this week,, hair down, nightie on, I looked in the mirror and had a sudden rush of serenity i.e. the person looking back was getting a lot closer to "me". It was quite a feeling and reassured me that I am heading the right way
Also this weekend I attended the Manchester Pride Parade unfortunately in male mode albeit with some top notch company. I was heartened by the sheer volume of people both taking part and attending. The atmosphere was amazing, the acceptance overwhelming and despite the usual nut job protests of an increasingly smaller minority (one religious nut was literally foaming at the mouth he was so offended - poor sod might have had a heart attack by the end of the 200+ groups passing in front of him and popped off to meet his maker he seems so keen to believe is so judgmental) the people walking were cheered every step of the way by crowds at some point 5 deep.
I have largely missed Pride season this year but I think next year I will try and get involved perhaps convincing work to walk. Other law firms and firms around where we are did and I think we should be getting involved.The narcissist in you will love being cheered by 50k people!
So still waiting on the house but hopefully soon and then i can really ramp up the preparation,
Until then be good or if not be careful
Amanda
xx
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