Just me

Hi all,

Thanks as always for continuing with me on this journey. 12500+ views makes me really humble. I know I'm not in serious blogger territory (yet?) but its heartening that something that started out mainly as me putting down in text what was going on in my head as a way of trying to sort myself out has developed into a means to keep people up to date and remains cathartic for me each time I submit another post. Thanks for being with me and feel free to spread the existence of this blog. The more people can understand what it means to be transgender the more the world is a nicer place to us.

So in other news, I am finally divorced. Was as of the 22.08.19 just a few days shy of my 22nd wedding anniversary but as always with the courts, paper work didn't get to me and I had to rely upon the opposition to provide it. Firstly I feel no regret or sorrow. Its been a tough few years sorting this out and I think in the long term it was both inevitable and for the best. I certainly have seen the ex's true colours in recent years and this wasn't the person I married. I am sure those close to me may agree with that but what is past is past and I cannot change that. All I can do is look forward and the control of my life is now firmly back with me. Any lingering effect she may have had on my life has gone.

So what does that mean. Well I can now change my name. I have the paperwork to fill in but with a house purchase about to go through (one document left) then there seems little point at the moment. Once I have a date to move (probably mid October) then I will with about a week to go submit the paperwork. Once the deed poll is through then I can change my documents and start living full time. I will be known fully as Amanda Grace Hilton but the G will only appear on documents and not be for everyday use. It will be Miss A G Hilton on bank cards etc, I think the Ms appropriation perhaps ages me unnecessarily but I would be gladly convinced otherwise.

This puts part time living imminent and within days of my moving into my house. Identity documents will still be old name but only for a few weeks. Once the deed poll is through then I can tell work and arrange a date to start full time living. I had a chat with HR this week and all seems good. Part time will be essentially all bar work. That's come home in the evening and change which I have had more practice on this week. Weekends will be from getting home on a Friday until getting up on a Monday or if time off then whenever I return to work. One fly in the ointment is I hope to get away before year end and passports take a while. You need your drivers license doing first so I think i will be forced to travel as male. However once there, I will change and again live for the duration of the holiday as Amanda. Not quiet up to swimsuit level yet which is a shame as that is an important milestone for me. However I am looking at LGBT friendly vacation spots to see where I can just be me.

Haircut will be a priority to get the fringe I am desperate to get and also ears pierced. Not looking forward to the later. Call me a wuss but pain is not something I enjoy and that will be difficult but necessary. A month or so later it will all be worth it though.

The practice I alluded to above has been a big help. I have struggled these last few years with my dysphoria and not being able to progress. Having clothes to wear and style my hair has been really important to keep it under control. I get very depressed when I cannot be me. I still causes frustration as I have to put me away in a box. Think about that for a minute. All your being, your soul even should you care to describe as that is not on show everyday. Those clothes you like to wear from lazing on a couch in leggings and a jumper to throwing the full glam on for a night out is limited and not allowed. Being out with friends as yourself and just having the correct name isnt possible. Think about taking that away and something mysterious called society and convention dictates you cannot be you. How would that feel? Living full time wont solve it. My body is not mine and one as each day goes by I loathe more and more. Just a little shape would be nice and some growth up top would reassure me . Surgery I know is a way off but breast growth will be a major milestone. Hormones cannot come quickly enough and I think January 2020 I will seek out private treatment.

So as far as people to tell, my new neighbours will get a little note through their door when I arrive. Its only fair they know from week one. Then football friends will be told. I've decided that I should not forgo what I love because of others lack of understanding. Thankfully social media will give me the easy way of doing that. I am living my life as me. I am no threat to anyone and I hope I get support from friends who I have known for years now.

So I hope next time I write I will have some dates to share. I am genuinely excited about the near future. I look forward to meeting as many of those close to me for a celebratory drink either after football, once I move into my new house (spotify play list is ready - Shania Twain gets on there and a certain track in particular) or perhaps after work one Friday night.

Just so you know, I prefer vodka based drinks, italian white wine, a mojito or if on a session fruit cider! Even something as simple as this i.e. drinking what I want rather than what I am expected to is so refreshing if you will excuse the pun.

Oh I am writing this in pink loafers, skinny blue jeans and a cerise long sleeve blouse, hair done and make up on watching the TV. You know what, I feel fabulous and me. I'll repeat that... Me. How I should be. How the future will be.

Love

Amanda

xx