Twists and turns
Hi there,
Well its been a few weeks and thought it was time I updated you.
The new house has become a four letter word. Regular viewers of this blog will know the delays I have had throughout the last few years. This is just yet another one. Close but no cigar which is now creating an unexpected problem. My office Christmas do is next month. I had hoped to be in my own house for that. You know dress for it at my leisure, travel to the venue and get home into my own bed. Whilst its still possible its looking unlikely. So options:
- Dont go. I have considered this and its a long shot but as I'll elaborate below its still on the table.
- Book a hotel (again). A possibility but sodding expensive in central Manchester. I could find one outside and commute in and back but I'm tired of slumming it in hotels. Its starting to feel tacky when its just me wanting to be me. I'll also want a decent lie in.
- Commute from where I am at. Possibly change in work and taxi home. Again old readers will know I am living with my father who has been less than appreciative. However reality is going to kick in soon and he will have to see me at some point. Is this the time to show him who I am. At least I get to sleep in my own bed afterwards.
Im really struggling with that and as its so frustrating thats where not going has come in. I usually also have another meet up on the markets in Manchester with ex work colleagues but thats being missed entirely. I feel embarrassed that I am still not who I should be and that its taking so long. I really feel at times just crawling into a hole and not coming out until its all done.
I admit that it is getting to me and starting to affect me. I referenced this last time out but my mental health is most fragile at the moment. It varying wildly from sensible to low / depressed. I have expressed before that control is a key factor i.e. I'm in charge of my own destiny but it doesnt feel like that at the moment and that makes me very uncomfortable. If thats not addressed it builds and builds so I get lower and lower. I'm so very tired both physically and mentally keeping up the pretense and not being able to move forward. Its draining. I have considered counseling / therapy. Had it in the past for another major thing in my life but I find opening up to strangers difficult. Friends are so much easier to talk to and I| thank those who are still there for me.
I can only do so much to alleviate it. Yes Ebay has been taking a battering but that possibly makes it worse. All those beautiful things I now own and cannot wear. I sense a frustration around me as well that people think I should be further forward than I am. That just adds to the anxiety. I can assure you once my house is sorted things will quickly shift into top gear. I am so ready on many fronts.
So please be patient with me. I'm nearly there. One more step and I'll be off.
In the meantime this week I did my "lecture tour" at my firms head office. Ive done better presentations before and wasnt on top form for the daytime event. No script you see and sometimes you just forget things in the spur of the moment. The evening Q&A was much improved not least because I went as Amanda.
This is where the difference is. I got changed in my hotel and then got the tube at rush hour back to the office. I still feel self conscious out in public on my own but that's mainly as there are huge gaps between doing it. However each time I do it gets that little bit easier. I dressed in the end conservatively but office suitable. I think I pulled it off.
In the lunchtime session I was nervous as hell. Yes I was in front of my peers and some pretty big people in my company but I was shaking and had the sweaty palms. Not like me that. I do talks a lot and get butterflies at worst but once I'm off then it flows and comes pretty naturally now. I rarely miss my step.
Contrast that with the evening session. No nerves and this was a panel Q&A where I didn't control the process and had to think on my feet. It should have been 10 times worse but I was me. That's so empowering for me. Being me but being respected as me. It felt so natural.
I hope it was obvious but also that I was eloquent in getting over my points. I've said it before but feel it stronger now, that I feel I have a voice for trans issues that I need to get out there.
Again putting myself back in the box was painful and the aftershocks are still going through me as I write this.
So that's me at the moment. Up and down, mainly down and fighting to keep on an even keel. Little bit too much drinking helps in the short term but not long term. One to watch I think.
On a positive side my shoe collection is at nirvana levels. One last pair to get and I'll be right there.
So whilst 2019 was the planned year of change, it's unlikely to get to where I hoped. 2020 looks mightily promising. I just need to tick that one box first and soon.
Help me through this fugg. No big favours or grand gestures are needed. Just kind words, understanding and patience will be enough. You know I love and appreciate you all form those in positions at work to life long friends and the special people in my life, for the support so far, just a little bit more will get me through this bad patch.
Take care
Amanda xx
Well its been a few weeks and thought it was time I updated you.
The new house has become a four letter word. Regular viewers of this blog will know the delays I have had throughout the last few years. This is just yet another one. Close but no cigar which is now creating an unexpected problem. My office Christmas do is next month. I had hoped to be in my own house for that. You know dress for it at my leisure, travel to the venue and get home into my own bed. Whilst its still possible its looking unlikely. So options:
- Dont go. I have considered this and its a long shot but as I'll elaborate below its still on the table.
- Book a hotel (again). A possibility but sodding expensive in central Manchester. I could find one outside and commute in and back but I'm tired of slumming it in hotels. Its starting to feel tacky when its just me wanting to be me. I'll also want a decent lie in.
- Commute from where I am at. Possibly change in work and taxi home. Again old readers will know I am living with my father who has been less than appreciative. However reality is going to kick in soon and he will have to see me at some point. Is this the time to show him who I am. At least I get to sleep in my own bed afterwards.
Im really struggling with that and as its so frustrating thats where not going has come in. I usually also have another meet up on the markets in Manchester with ex work colleagues but thats being missed entirely. I feel embarrassed that I am still not who I should be and that its taking so long. I really feel at times just crawling into a hole and not coming out until its all done.
I admit that it is getting to me and starting to affect me. I referenced this last time out but my mental health is most fragile at the moment. It varying wildly from sensible to low / depressed. I have expressed before that control is a key factor i.e. I'm in charge of my own destiny but it doesnt feel like that at the moment and that makes me very uncomfortable. If thats not addressed it builds and builds so I get lower and lower. I'm so very tired both physically and mentally keeping up the pretense and not being able to move forward. Its draining. I have considered counseling / therapy. Had it in the past for another major thing in my life but I find opening up to strangers difficult. Friends are so much easier to talk to and I| thank those who are still there for me.
I can only do so much to alleviate it. Yes Ebay has been taking a battering but that possibly makes it worse. All those beautiful things I now own and cannot wear. I sense a frustration around me as well that people think I should be further forward than I am. That just adds to the anxiety. I can assure you once my house is sorted things will quickly shift into top gear. I am so ready on many fronts.
So please be patient with me. I'm nearly there. One more step and I'll be off.
In the meantime this week I did my "lecture tour" at my firms head office. Ive done better presentations before and wasnt on top form for the daytime event. No script you see and sometimes you just forget things in the spur of the moment. The evening Q&A was much improved not least because I went as Amanda.
This is where the difference is. I got changed in my hotel and then got the tube at rush hour back to the office. I still feel self conscious out in public on my own but that's mainly as there are huge gaps between doing it. However each time I do it gets that little bit easier. I dressed in the end conservatively but office suitable. I think I pulled it off.
In the lunchtime session I was nervous as hell. Yes I was in front of my peers and some pretty big people in my company but I was shaking and had the sweaty palms. Not like me that. I do talks a lot and get butterflies at worst but once I'm off then it flows and comes pretty naturally now. I rarely miss my step.
Contrast that with the evening session. No nerves and this was a panel Q&A where I didn't control the process and had to think on my feet. It should have been 10 times worse but I was me. That's so empowering for me. Being me but being respected as me. It felt so natural.
I hope it was obvious but also that I was eloquent in getting over my points. I've said it before but feel it stronger now, that I feel I have a voice for trans issues that I need to get out there.
Again putting myself back in the box was painful and the aftershocks are still going through me as I write this.
So that's me at the moment. Up and down, mainly down and fighting to keep on an even keel. Little bit too much drinking helps in the short term but not long term. One to watch I think.
On a positive side my shoe collection is at nirvana levels. One last pair to get and I'll be right there.
So whilst 2019 was the planned year of change, it's unlikely to get to where I hoped. 2020 looks mightily promising. I just need to tick that one box first and soon.
Help me through this fugg. No big favours or grand gestures are needed. Just kind words, understanding and patience will be enough. You know I love and appreciate you all form those in positions at work to life long friends and the special people in my life, for the support so far, just a little bit more will get me through this bad patch.
Take care
Amanda xx
Comments
Post a Comment