Fate is ineluctable
Hi there.
There are times in life where either you have waited for something for ages or planned something and then suddenly it just creeps up on you. Most people then fall into 2 camps. The uber planner who has seen this coming months ago and probably has a spreadsheet with key dates, key actions and a filofax full of numbers / contacts. The other end of the scale is the person who falls into mass panic with days to go and somehow manages to get it all right in the last few hours.
I usually fall nearer the former than the latter but this week definitely felt me falling towards the latter. With less than a week to go until I move house, I fell into a mild panic! Also there was a profound moment when the realization that the thing that I have so struggled with for so long is about to resolve itself. There was a major wobble but as i've alluded to in the past, I think things through and just work it out. Normal service resumed!
The culmination of a life's hope and years of despair is just around the corner. Wow that's something to take in. I feel quite emotional typing this now and suspect there will be tears next week.
So whats left to do. Well having applied for the deed poll change, the cheque has been cashed by HM government and therefore know that is I trust being processed as I write. I keep checking The Gazette to see if its been published but not yet.
I have drafted my social media post for next week when I come out to my fellow football supporters. Ran it past a few close friends who I go with and know. All seems good excluding typos lol. Last game as a male may well have already been attended. One more this weekend but may not make it depending on how much I need to do in advance of my move
So Saturday 18th I will attend my first non league game as Amanda. Not home so that may be a bit better. I am so ready for this and shouldn't have to compromise my life for perceived issues that other people have
A few days before I will hit Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know. Be interesting to see what the reaction is. I expect some banter and as along as thats as far as it goes then I can take it and will dish it out. Already started thinking about what to wear thats going to be comfortable but stylish. Got a big wooly hat for the expected cold.
The week later will be the first home game. That may be a bit more interesting but I think word will well and truly have got round by then. Hopefully that will be seamless.
I have now determined the exact date and time that I will start living part time as Amanda. It will be the afternoon of Thursday the 16th January 2020. It will be a few days after I have moved in to allow me to unpack a bit and settle in. I have a fair few deliveries to receive and be easier to accept them in the name on the order! After a quick trip to the opticians than thats the last act of my male self and I can slip into my new life. Do my nails, put the male clothes away and chose my first outfit. I may actually keep some male items. I have a few hoodies that are gender neutral and I still like them and will go with many an outfit.I have some trekking boots that also could be any gender and some canvas pumps. Everything usable excluding them will either be recycled or off to charity.
I've drafted a little note to push through the letter box of my 3 new neighbors. Sort of introduction to who I am as a person and how I intend to live. Hopefully will break the ice, stop the gossip and help me integrate.
Moving to Amanda for work will follow quickly after I receive my deed poll name change.
One last thing this week. My dad I felt wasn't entirely on board with my intentions. He worried about losing contact with my kids (seems they have done that anyway - it cannot be confirmed either for or against that the ex has told them - but I cant live my life hoping and waiting) and the problems I will come up against. He felt that I should sacrifice my happiness for a quiet life.
The point I made was this wasn't a flash in the pan, a phase or sudden decision. It stressed I had known since a child and talking of sacrifice, I had despite strong feelings to the contrary in my 20's decided to conform and try to live the life society expected. I cant do that anymore and it appears he thought it best (on advice) to leave me to sort myself out. That was always unwise. Not talking creates a distance where as talking and asking questions helps resolve problems. Answering questions has never been my problem.
Well these last few days we have talked more about my intent than ever before. . I know he worries, any parent should and I will always love him for that and for helping me out in recent times in particular. However I put it simply does he want his child to be happy or constantly suffer for not being who they should be. I would support any child in any decision concerning their sexuality and / or gender identity without question because they are my child.
I'm not sure I have reached the point of entire acceptance. That may come in the coming weeks when he sees me happy and sees me as Amanda for the first time and living the life I need to. However I think we have reached a level of detente where we are understanding and respectful of each other and I hope that we can use that as a base to get to a level of higher understanding and happiness again.
So I leave you at the equivalent of the Eagle lander circling over the Sea of Tranquility aiming to land. Its close but not quite there but will without a doubt happen soon.Continued key purchases (ankle boots / trainers) mean I am very much ready to go.
When I next write I will be writing as Amanda in my own home. Wow thats going to be something really special.
Take care and thanks as always for your interest.
Amanda GH
xxx
There are times in life where either you have waited for something for ages or planned something and then suddenly it just creeps up on you. Most people then fall into 2 camps. The uber planner who has seen this coming months ago and probably has a spreadsheet with key dates, key actions and a filofax full of numbers / contacts. The other end of the scale is the person who falls into mass panic with days to go and somehow manages to get it all right in the last few hours.
I usually fall nearer the former than the latter but this week definitely felt me falling towards the latter. With less than a week to go until I move house, I fell into a mild panic! Also there was a profound moment when the realization that the thing that I have so struggled with for so long is about to resolve itself. There was a major wobble but as i've alluded to in the past, I think things through and just work it out. Normal service resumed!
The culmination of a life's hope and years of despair is just around the corner. Wow that's something to take in. I feel quite emotional typing this now and suspect there will be tears next week.
So whats left to do. Well having applied for the deed poll change, the cheque has been cashed by HM government and therefore know that is I trust being processed as I write. I keep checking The Gazette to see if its been published but not yet.
I have drafted my social media post for next week when I come out to my fellow football supporters. Ran it past a few close friends who I go with and know. All seems good excluding typos lol. Last game as a male may well have already been attended. One more this weekend but may not make it depending on how much I need to do in advance of my move
So Saturday 18th I will attend my first non league game as Amanda. Not home so that may be a bit better. I am so ready for this and shouldn't have to compromise my life for perceived issues that other people have
A few days before I will hit Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know. Be interesting to see what the reaction is. I expect some banter and as along as thats as far as it goes then I can take it and will dish it out. Already started thinking about what to wear thats going to be comfortable but stylish. Got a big wooly hat for the expected cold.
The week later will be the first home game. That may be a bit more interesting but I think word will well and truly have got round by then. Hopefully that will be seamless.
I have now determined the exact date and time that I will start living part time as Amanda. It will be the afternoon of Thursday the 16th January 2020. It will be a few days after I have moved in to allow me to unpack a bit and settle in. I have a fair few deliveries to receive and be easier to accept them in the name on the order! After a quick trip to the opticians than thats the last act of my male self and I can slip into my new life. Do my nails, put the male clothes away and chose my first outfit. I may actually keep some male items. I have a few hoodies that are gender neutral and I still like them and will go with many an outfit.I have some trekking boots that also could be any gender and some canvas pumps. Everything usable excluding them will either be recycled or off to charity.
I've drafted a little note to push through the letter box of my 3 new neighbors. Sort of introduction to who I am as a person and how I intend to live. Hopefully will break the ice, stop the gossip and help me integrate.
Moving to Amanda for work will follow quickly after I receive my deed poll name change.
One last thing this week. My dad I felt wasn't entirely on board with my intentions. He worried about losing contact with my kids (seems they have done that anyway - it cannot be confirmed either for or against that the ex has told them - but I cant live my life hoping and waiting) and the problems I will come up against. He felt that I should sacrifice my happiness for a quiet life.
The point I made was this wasn't a flash in the pan, a phase or sudden decision. It stressed I had known since a child and talking of sacrifice, I had despite strong feelings to the contrary in my 20's decided to conform and try to live the life society expected. I cant do that anymore and it appears he thought it best (on advice) to leave me to sort myself out. That was always unwise. Not talking creates a distance where as talking and asking questions helps resolve problems. Answering questions has never been my problem.
Well these last few days we have talked more about my intent than ever before. . I know he worries, any parent should and I will always love him for that and for helping me out in recent times in particular. However I put it simply does he want his child to be happy or constantly suffer for not being who they should be. I would support any child in any decision concerning their sexuality and / or gender identity without question because they are my child.
I'm not sure I have reached the point of entire acceptance. That may come in the coming weeks when he sees me happy and sees me as Amanda for the first time and living the life I need to. However I think we have reached a level of detente where we are understanding and respectful of each other and I hope that we can use that as a base to get to a level of higher understanding and happiness again.
So I leave you at the equivalent of the Eagle lander circling over the Sea of Tranquility aiming to land. Its close but not quite there but will without a doubt happen soon.Continued key purchases (ankle boots / trainers) mean I am very much ready to go.
When I next write I will be writing as Amanda in my own home. Wow thats going to be something really special.
Take care and thanks as always for your interest.
Amanda GH
xxx
On the brink - exciting! I expect that with the football supporters and your new neighbours it will understandably be a topic of conversation for a short while (as my dad used to say, "a nine day wonder"), then people will find other things to talk about. I'm looking forward to meeting Amanda. :-)
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