Reality
Hi all,
Yet again another milestone is upon me. 15k views. I really am still astonished that people may find me so interesting. I'd thank each and every one of you but well it may take some time lol.
So as I write this I'm in my 3rd week of going full time about to enter 4. As you would expect there have been ups and downs. You plan, you have an expectation of how it will be but reality can be somewhat different.
My morning routine has been largely hammered down to a clear set of tasks now but I've realised that one small deviation or delay and wow i'm off by sometime. I am sure that I will work on that in the coming weeks / months.
Choosing the outfit can also cause delay and confusion! I am now planning days in advance to plan what to wear, what goes with what, what underwear I will need (and what colour so I dont run out of that colour later in the week) and what shoes! Havent dressed in the same outfit twice yet and still some to get through so purchases in advance appear to have worked well. Suspect I will run out this week or next. However there has been little in way of compliments or questions as to where stuff comes from etc. Isnt that what should happen? Again dont be afraid to ask me or even have a go. I have to learn and telling me where I may be going wrong will really help. Dont be scared or worry. I wont hold it against you. Please talk to me and help me.
Shoes. My word what a complex subject. I have close to 40 pairs now and bought with variety in mind i.e. multiple outfits suit multiple shoes. However despite having heels practice on various nights out, the day to day wear is so different. I thought dancing till 4am in 4 inch heels would prepare me but oddly walking to the station, sometimes standing on the train and walking around the office have found the need for new muscles I couldn't think of the need to use. Shapes of the shoes as well have caused toes to rub so I've invested in (and carry in my handbag) loads of plasters to help me through the day. Can feel parts of my feet hardening up so less of a problem in the coming weeks.
Day to day commuting is largely uneventful. Some look albeit a quick glance and then move on. The regulars dont even glance anymore. I find I get more acknowledgement from my fellow commuters. nod here, a smile there. Never got that before. Is it a female thing?
Work in that the job I do rather than the employer has been the most challenging. Its the voice thing. I have tried to drop the tone and soften the approach but I talk for a living and this has been the unexpected challenge. I am trying to soften it all the time now and hope that this filters through into my work voice. Court this week had a judge checking and give her due kudos she apologized for getting it wrong initially. After that we carried on as normal (phone hearing so couldn't see me). I am attending court next month and perhaps that will be easier as more obvious. Still some feeling of uncomfortable when ringing clients especially ones who know me. There is that feeling as to they think they should act differently but at the same time know me. If anyone reads this, ive changed my name not me. Just be as we were.
Handbag. Always thought I could manage a handbag and not end up dragging half my house round with me. Wrong. My fellow Ladies you have my respect and I now know what you need on a day to day basis.
The toilet issue is sort of a work in progress. Work is not a problem although I sense more ladies are comfortable than others. I tend to take the same cubicle where possible and it is generally quiet. Peak times are avoided but everyone has been good so far. Had a shopping day out in Manchester. Was really good browsing clothes etc but didnt go the loo. Yeah I know not clever - didnt eat or drink so I didn't have to but will have to get that sorted next time. Some where you have to queue are intimidating. I think small coffee shops or pubs may be the solution if I am on my own
All in all things are going well. It has been stressful. I admit to having some bad days and some excellent. I stopped doing things that I liked as I was worrying about other things. Balance is returning to the force lol! I have made mistakes but feel more steady now. I needed to get back to being me as a person despite my new identity.
Still a few reluctant organizations who appear not to get gender identity changes but hope to iron them out in the next few weeks. I have a drivers license in my new name and my vehicle is registered in my new name. I can now look at the passport. Really want to go on holiday in my new name this summer. Big plans if I can.
Still not met my Dad as me nor my Brother. The latter was always just a matter of timing. The former I remain nervous about as he knows I hope when I moved house I would be me but I still think he is in denial. I get the difficulties that my change creates but you cant avoid reality. I hope we can bridge the gap soon. My old self has gone now. The name is history and despite certain friends slipping up (I forgive you as you immediately know what u have done lol) I have moved on now.
Last thing and its very difficult to pin point but there is something missing. Its a positive loss in that I know it will add a lot to me but I just cant put my finger on what it is. I just know something good isnt there. Its not surgery, hormones or even my love life (oh did I not mention tentative steps have been taken lol) because I have processed what they mean to me and its not that. There is something that I want to reach out for but not sure what it is yet!
Thanks to all who have been very supportive these last few weeks. It really has made a difference. Keep it up!
Thanks again for listening. Please give me feed back on how I look, my make up, my voice etc. Its only going to help me
Love
Amanda
xx
Yet again another milestone is upon me. 15k views. I really am still astonished that people may find me so interesting. I'd thank each and every one of you but well it may take some time lol.
So as I write this I'm in my 3rd week of going full time about to enter 4. As you would expect there have been ups and downs. You plan, you have an expectation of how it will be but reality can be somewhat different.
My morning routine has been largely hammered down to a clear set of tasks now but I've realised that one small deviation or delay and wow i'm off by sometime. I am sure that I will work on that in the coming weeks / months.
Choosing the outfit can also cause delay and confusion! I am now planning days in advance to plan what to wear, what goes with what, what underwear I will need (and what colour so I dont run out of that colour later in the week) and what shoes! Havent dressed in the same outfit twice yet and still some to get through so purchases in advance appear to have worked well. Suspect I will run out this week or next. However there has been little in way of compliments or questions as to where stuff comes from etc. Isnt that what should happen? Again dont be afraid to ask me or even have a go. I have to learn and telling me where I may be going wrong will really help. Dont be scared or worry. I wont hold it against you. Please talk to me and help me.
Shoes. My word what a complex subject. I have close to 40 pairs now and bought with variety in mind i.e. multiple outfits suit multiple shoes. However despite having heels practice on various nights out, the day to day wear is so different. I thought dancing till 4am in 4 inch heels would prepare me but oddly walking to the station, sometimes standing on the train and walking around the office have found the need for new muscles I couldn't think of the need to use. Shapes of the shoes as well have caused toes to rub so I've invested in (and carry in my handbag) loads of plasters to help me through the day. Can feel parts of my feet hardening up so less of a problem in the coming weeks.
Day to day commuting is largely uneventful. Some look albeit a quick glance and then move on. The regulars dont even glance anymore. I find I get more acknowledgement from my fellow commuters. nod here, a smile there. Never got that before. Is it a female thing?
Work in that the job I do rather than the employer has been the most challenging. Its the voice thing. I have tried to drop the tone and soften the approach but I talk for a living and this has been the unexpected challenge. I am trying to soften it all the time now and hope that this filters through into my work voice. Court this week had a judge checking and give her due kudos she apologized for getting it wrong initially. After that we carried on as normal (phone hearing so couldn't see me). I am attending court next month and perhaps that will be easier as more obvious. Still some feeling of uncomfortable when ringing clients especially ones who know me. There is that feeling as to they think they should act differently but at the same time know me. If anyone reads this, ive changed my name not me. Just be as we were.
Handbag. Always thought I could manage a handbag and not end up dragging half my house round with me. Wrong. My fellow Ladies you have my respect and I now know what you need on a day to day basis.
The toilet issue is sort of a work in progress. Work is not a problem although I sense more ladies are comfortable than others. I tend to take the same cubicle where possible and it is generally quiet. Peak times are avoided but everyone has been good so far. Had a shopping day out in Manchester. Was really good browsing clothes etc but didnt go the loo. Yeah I know not clever - didnt eat or drink so I didn't have to but will have to get that sorted next time. Some where you have to queue are intimidating. I think small coffee shops or pubs may be the solution if I am on my own
All in all things are going well. It has been stressful. I admit to having some bad days and some excellent. I stopped doing things that I liked as I was worrying about other things. Balance is returning to the force lol! I have made mistakes but feel more steady now. I needed to get back to being me as a person despite my new identity.
Still a few reluctant organizations who appear not to get gender identity changes but hope to iron them out in the next few weeks. I have a drivers license in my new name and my vehicle is registered in my new name. I can now look at the passport. Really want to go on holiday in my new name this summer. Big plans if I can.
Still not met my Dad as me nor my Brother. The latter was always just a matter of timing. The former I remain nervous about as he knows I hope when I moved house I would be me but I still think he is in denial. I get the difficulties that my change creates but you cant avoid reality. I hope we can bridge the gap soon. My old self has gone now. The name is history and despite certain friends slipping up (I forgive you as you immediately know what u have done lol) I have moved on now.
Last thing and its very difficult to pin point but there is something missing. Its a positive loss in that I know it will add a lot to me but I just cant put my finger on what it is. I just know something good isnt there. Its not surgery, hormones or even my love life (oh did I not mention tentative steps have been taken lol) because I have processed what they mean to me and its not that. There is something that I want to reach out for but not sure what it is yet!
Thanks to all who have been very supportive these last few weeks. It really has made a difference. Keep it up!
Thanks again for listening. Please give me feed back on how I look, my make up, my voice etc. Its only going to help me
Love
Amanda
xx
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