Settling into life
The internet is an amazing thing. I connect with people across and around the globe. This weeks stats show a big interest from our Canadian cousins and a little glance from Brazil.
Little old me getting worldwide exposure. Must get the lecture tour sorted for later this year.
So then its been 2 weeks as me. Lets get the bleeding obvious out of the way. Yes I have no regrets, no major worries or concerns. It just feels so right.
There has been one quite considerable side effect. Gender Dysphoria is the generic term for what we trans people suffer from. It varies in intensity between people and how it manifests itself. To me is been like a sodding ninja / SAS trooper. Surgically hitting me from the least expected angles at the least expected times. Not there all the time but I know all the time its lurking ready to pounce when I'm at my weakest or least ready.
Well its gone from clinical strikes to full on total war / carpet bombing. Sun Tzu would be very proud. Now I mentioned before that mentally I have weaknesses and you may think this escalation in hostilities has caused no end of problems. However quite the opposite. Its given me a fundamental reassurance that this decision was right. Yes its shook me up a little as I was expecting continued guerilla warfare rather than the blitzkrieg that's hit but it has banished any doubts I had remaining. Its how I'm wired. I am not happy unless I've looked at every angle, every possible outcome and possible pit fall. Trust me when I say I thought about this first period a lot and whilst I hoped all would be well I was prepared for a pitfall or two.
I'm unable to explain the change in feelings and intensity at the moment. I hope my close friends may hear me out and perhaps help me understand. Is it because the shackles are off and I am actually living the life I so desired? I know one thing, I haven't cried so much for so long. Relief? Happiness?
So hows it gone, So far its be smoothish.The first day was always going to be the focus but it was nice to settle down in day 2 to some normalcy. That said i've been very self conscious about how I look and notably my voice. I took the view with people that knew me that to switch immediately to a more suitable sound may sound odd so chose to be as I am now and just add a phone voice. However as the weeks progressed I've tried to soften my voice a little in general conversation. It will take a while and a lot of practice but I hope I will get there in time.
Ive got into a daily routine as to getting ready and largely been successful. A bit of rearranging and I'll have it down to an art. Seems to maintain the look well for the whole with the odd top up. no fashion faux pas so far least no one has said. Compliments have been sparse. No need to tread on eggshells around me. I am so not precious and indeed I am trying to learn so feedback welcome. Ive avoided trousers so far at work. Wore them all my life and so liberating to wear dresses and skirts. Will give them a whirl this week I reckon. My feet have taken a pounding with essentially new shoes daily. They will toughen up and then the big heels come out lol.
So back to the dysphoria. How has it changed then apart from the intensity and frequency. Well if I can be blunt, parts of my body now I feel very comfortable with and others very uneasy with. I am loving looking down and seeing a bosom under my clothing. It has felt wonderfully natural to see and feel that. I really want the real things now and soon as possible. It feels part of me and that they arent real is rather distressing,
Going south the opposite is apparent. I have felt in the past that down there was unnecessary and tolerated. Tucking and seeing a flat front with no hint is reassuring but I know whats down there still. It just all feels redundant & is now becoming a distinct irritation. I have said it before but can really understand it now how people succumb to self harm. I want it no more and specifically I want it how it should be and not have to wear industrial strength undies to keep it as flat and hidden as possible.
So where to next. The task of changing over my identity continues. The key will be the driving license. ID I can use. That gets me changed at my GP and then my passport. I have decided all being well, I will start looking at private treatment early March. Thats hormones in the first instance. Grow your own hopefully and put the other thing out of action. That should help with the voice and fat distribution - it moves apparently. Everyone reacts differently - could be quick - could be slow. Again though its that knowledge that you are doing something that so so makes the difference. More imminently ears pierced hopefully this weekend. Not a fan of pain so that will be fun!!
So thats how the first flush of being me went. No nastiness. Seems most of the world has their own things to worry about than me. If you want the argument about trans rights I am up for it but the world seems entirely uninterested.
Next steps in short term will be getting out and seeing what I can do to help my fellow trans community. Suspect some social stuff and possibly with work will help my deep need to give something back. I cant just take and see others who have far bigger problems without helping out. Just not how I am wired. Unity is the key for the whole LGBT+ community.
Its been beyond my expectations and I am purring like a Cheshire Cat inside. Yeah I wobble like all because hiding yourself is deeply insecure. It will take time to eradicate that but I am well on my way.
Keep me grounded though please and keep me sane. As always my friends are both my foundations and my scaffolding.
Until next time. Be yourself, be happy
Amanda xx
Little old me getting worldwide exposure. Must get the lecture tour sorted for later this year.
So then its been 2 weeks as me. Lets get the bleeding obvious out of the way. Yes I have no regrets, no major worries or concerns. It just feels so right.
There has been one quite considerable side effect. Gender Dysphoria is the generic term for what we trans people suffer from. It varies in intensity between people and how it manifests itself. To me is been like a sodding ninja / SAS trooper. Surgically hitting me from the least expected angles at the least expected times. Not there all the time but I know all the time its lurking ready to pounce when I'm at my weakest or least ready.
Well its gone from clinical strikes to full on total war / carpet bombing. Sun Tzu would be very proud. Now I mentioned before that mentally I have weaknesses and you may think this escalation in hostilities has caused no end of problems. However quite the opposite. Its given me a fundamental reassurance that this decision was right. Yes its shook me up a little as I was expecting continued guerilla warfare rather than the blitzkrieg that's hit but it has banished any doubts I had remaining. Its how I'm wired. I am not happy unless I've looked at every angle, every possible outcome and possible pit fall. Trust me when I say I thought about this first period a lot and whilst I hoped all would be well I was prepared for a pitfall or two.
I'm unable to explain the change in feelings and intensity at the moment. I hope my close friends may hear me out and perhaps help me understand. Is it because the shackles are off and I am actually living the life I so desired? I know one thing, I haven't cried so much for so long. Relief? Happiness?
So hows it gone, So far its be smoothish.The first day was always going to be the focus but it was nice to settle down in day 2 to some normalcy. That said i've been very self conscious about how I look and notably my voice. I took the view with people that knew me that to switch immediately to a more suitable sound may sound odd so chose to be as I am now and just add a phone voice. However as the weeks progressed I've tried to soften my voice a little in general conversation. It will take a while and a lot of practice but I hope I will get there in time.
Ive got into a daily routine as to getting ready and largely been successful. A bit of rearranging and I'll have it down to an art. Seems to maintain the look well for the whole with the odd top up. no fashion faux pas so far least no one has said. Compliments have been sparse. No need to tread on eggshells around me. I am so not precious and indeed I am trying to learn so feedback welcome. Ive avoided trousers so far at work. Wore them all my life and so liberating to wear dresses and skirts. Will give them a whirl this week I reckon. My feet have taken a pounding with essentially new shoes daily. They will toughen up and then the big heels come out lol.
So back to the dysphoria. How has it changed then apart from the intensity and frequency. Well if I can be blunt, parts of my body now I feel very comfortable with and others very uneasy with. I am loving looking down and seeing a bosom under my clothing. It has felt wonderfully natural to see and feel that. I really want the real things now and soon as possible. It feels part of me and that they arent real is rather distressing,
Going south the opposite is apparent. I have felt in the past that down there was unnecessary and tolerated. Tucking and seeing a flat front with no hint is reassuring but I know whats down there still. It just all feels redundant & is now becoming a distinct irritation. I have said it before but can really understand it now how people succumb to self harm. I want it no more and specifically I want it how it should be and not have to wear industrial strength undies to keep it as flat and hidden as possible.
So where to next. The task of changing over my identity continues. The key will be the driving license. ID I can use. That gets me changed at my GP and then my passport. I have decided all being well, I will start looking at private treatment early March. Thats hormones in the first instance. Grow your own hopefully and put the other thing out of action. That should help with the voice and fat distribution - it moves apparently. Everyone reacts differently - could be quick - could be slow. Again though its that knowledge that you are doing something that so so makes the difference. More imminently ears pierced hopefully this weekend. Not a fan of pain so that will be fun!!
So thats how the first flush of being me went. No nastiness. Seems most of the world has their own things to worry about than me. If you want the argument about trans rights I am up for it but the world seems entirely uninterested.
Next steps in short term will be getting out and seeing what I can do to help my fellow trans community. Suspect some social stuff and possibly with work will help my deep need to give something back. I cant just take and see others who have far bigger problems without helping out. Just not how I am wired. Unity is the key for the whole LGBT+ community.
Its been beyond my expectations and I am purring like a Cheshire Cat inside. Yeah I wobble like all because hiding yourself is deeply insecure. It will take time to eradicate that but I am well on my way.
Keep me grounded though please and keep me sane. As always my friends are both my foundations and my scaffolding.
Until next time. Be yourself, be happy
Amanda xx
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