The Last Vestiges
This full time malarkey is something I so know to be me and to be my destiny.
A month has passed and the fears and issues I had as each day passes are fading away. I still have some issues (more of which later) but for now as NASA might say "confidence is high". Not that I plan on anything that adventurous but I do feel now entirely comfortable with my new identity.
So to the title and few more things ticked off marking the passing of the old order.
I had kept the last few items of my male wardrobe. No particular reason more that I hadnt found the time to sort it out. Well done now. I had over the last 18 months thinned the same out and each time I did I felt something, hard to pinpoint but it was a small sorrow. I was getting rid of things and yet I couldnt or wasnt wearing what I wanted to.
Fast forward to now and when I found the time to get sorted, it was very efficiently dealt with. Black bin bag, sorted between what was salvageable for re-use (will go to a charity shop of my choosing) and those that just needed recycling (Asda tickled pink receptacle). I have kept a few things. There were a few tops of sentimental value for where and when I bought them. They are folded and stored. There were a few t-shirts / hoodies which are unisex and I have a suit and tuxedo which I will put on eBay.
Aside from that and shoes which again I would rather recycle (know where just havent passed them yet) all done and gone. Couldnt even if I wanted put together an outfit. However I think I would feel physically sick now if I did that. Seriously I cant even think now of being in male clothes or passing as male.
So as I mentioned previously, all my ID is in my new name and everyone knows. However there were a few yet to meet "me". Big one was my father. Finally in the last two weeks we have done ti (twice). Okay so he "deadnamed" me throughout (and since) but if there is one person I can cut a bit of slack over its him. Was a bit at first wary but wasnt any issue with taking me out to one of my local pubs and spending sometime with me. I know it will take time for him but I would like to hear just once for him to call me by my name. You know the one on my driving license, the one I legally changed. I just hope as difficult as it is, he starts trying.
Brother is last of the close family and should tick that one off shortly. Absolutely no idea or expectations there. Easier to read Serbo Croat backwards in Morse than him. So be it. Again I hope but you can choose your friends not your family.
On the friends front some are shining like bright stars. Name is right from the outset when being welcomed and when talked to. Others are commenting on my clothes (not as many as I would like but so be it) and talking to me as a Woman. Some are in the middle in that they immediately realize and correct and some I can sense the nerves and stress it is causing them.
People please relax. I get the change is difficult if you have known me for a while. I'm not precious over it provided you try. Thats all I ask try and it will come in time. Update my name in your mobile and it will help as a reminder.
So to every silver lining is a cloud. Still feeling nervous about the voice and avoiding using it. I know and I will try more. I'm talking a lot to myself outloud (not going mad honest) to try and refine it and soften the edges. I hope people start noticing the difference.
Dysphoria I mentioned in military terms recently. Well it has been tough lately and the hatred of what I have as opposed to what I know should be there is increasing. It is so not me and I think I always felt that way but built up those barriers to protect myself. I have likened the defenses to an onion and the peeling away of the layers. Well I can see the core now and so want to rip off those last layers. Unfortunately thats medical intervention needed. April that starts as I start looking at my options.
Until then the shopping continues. Still haven't duplicated any outfit for work although reckon this will be the last week before I run out. I bought pair of ballerina flats. Fit nice and comfy but they are flat! I after 4 weeks of heels couldnt walk in them. Sorry but even with the pain id much rather wear heels.
I know that makes me tall but I am so much happier in them. I feel more me and thats quite important to me.
Finally I mentioned also that I felt something was missing but a good think I wanted to get to. I have sorted part of it. Dysphoria using its guerilla tactics blindsided me an caught me unawares. She is such a bitch and knows my weak spots and how to make me feel like crap. But by doing so she also gets me to really know what I want. The pain is so accurate.
However the main part of it I now know. I had mulled this over previously but didn't know for sure if this was something I could do. I'm still not sure I can but I now know I have to try. The next steps will be pursued in the coming months and I'll fill you all in with progress on that. What is it you ask? Well I've got to get you to tune in somehow.
Until then. Be you and be the best you you can be.
Amanda xx
(NB typos will be addressed in versions 2.0 to 2.23 lol)
A month has passed and the fears and issues I had as each day passes are fading away. I still have some issues (more of which later) but for now as NASA might say "confidence is high". Not that I plan on anything that adventurous but I do feel now entirely comfortable with my new identity.
So to the title and few more things ticked off marking the passing of the old order.
I had kept the last few items of my male wardrobe. No particular reason more that I hadnt found the time to sort it out. Well done now. I had over the last 18 months thinned the same out and each time I did I felt something, hard to pinpoint but it was a small sorrow. I was getting rid of things and yet I couldnt or wasnt wearing what I wanted to.
Fast forward to now and when I found the time to get sorted, it was very efficiently dealt with. Black bin bag, sorted between what was salvageable for re-use (will go to a charity shop of my choosing) and those that just needed recycling (Asda tickled pink receptacle). I have kept a few things. There were a few tops of sentimental value for where and when I bought them. They are folded and stored. There were a few t-shirts / hoodies which are unisex and I have a suit and tuxedo which I will put on eBay.
Aside from that and shoes which again I would rather recycle (know where just havent passed them yet) all done and gone. Couldnt even if I wanted put together an outfit. However I think I would feel physically sick now if I did that. Seriously I cant even think now of being in male clothes or passing as male.
So as I mentioned previously, all my ID is in my new name and everyone knows. However there were a few yet to meet "me". Big one was my father. Finally in the last two weeks we have done ti (twice). Okay so he "deadnamed" me throughout (and since) but if there is one person I can cut a bit of slack over its him. Was a bit at first wary but wasnt any issue with taking me out to one of my local pubs and spending sometime with me. I know it will take time for him but I would like to hear just once for him to call me by my name. You know the one on my driving license, the one I legally changed. I just hope as difficult as it is, he starts trying.
Brother is last of the close family and should tick that one off shortly. Absolutely no idea or expectations there. Easier to read Serbo Croat backwards in Morse than him. So be it. Again I hope but you can choose your friends not your family.
On the friends front some are shining like bright stars. Name is right from the outset when being welcomed and when talked to. Others are commenting on my clothes (not as many as I would like but so be it) and talking to me as a Woman. Some are in the middle in that they immediately realize and correct and some I can sense the nerves and stress it is causing them.
People please relax. I get the change is difficult if you have known me for a while. I'm not precious over it provided you try. Thats all I ask try and it will come in time. Update my name in your mobile and it will help as a reminder.
So to every silver lining is a cloud. Still feeling nervous about the voice and avoiding using it. I know and I will try more. I'm talking a lot to myself outloud (not going mad honest) to try and refine it and soften the edges. I hope people start noticing the difference.
Dysphoria I mentioned in military terms recently. Well it has been tough lately and the hatred of what I have as opposed to what I know should be there is increasing. It is so not me and I think I always felt that way but built up those barriers to protect myself. I have likened the defenses to an onion and the peeling away of the layers. Well I can see the core now and so want to rip off those last layers. Unfortunately thats medical intervention needed. April that starts as I start looking at my options.
Until then the shopping continues. Still haven't duplicated any outfit for work although reckon this will be the last week before I run out. I bought pair of ballerina flats. Fit nice and comfy but they are flat! I after 4 weeks of heels couldnt walk in them. Sorry but even with the pain id much rather wear heels.
I know that makes me tall but I am so much happier in them. I feel more me and thats quite important to me.
Finally I mentioned also that I felt something was missing but a good think I wanted to get to. I have sorted part of it. Dysphoria using its guerilla tactics blindsided me an caught me unawares. She is such a bitch and knows my weak spots and how to make me feel like crap. But by doing so she also gets me to really know what I want. The pain is so accurate.
However the main part of it I now know. I had mulled this over previously but didn't know for sure if this was something I could do. I'm still not sure I can but I now know I have to try. The next steps will be pursued in the coming months and I'll fill you all in with progress on that. What is it you ask? Well I've got to get you to tune in somehow.
Until then. Be you and be the best you you can be.
Amanda xx
(NB typos will be addressed in versions 2.0 to 2.23 lol)
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