Two Minds

Hi there.

I hope you are all keeping well and safe. I trust you are following your local instructions to avoid this virus.

The title describes my thoughts about continuing with this blog in the current time or trying to continue with some sort of normality. 

I have decided to carry on but as with all good soap operas I will reduce the cycle of posts. Unlike them, I don't have any in the bank ready to release as and when. 

Please don't take this and any flippant remarks as a disrespect or disregard of the seriousness of the situation. I am like all deeply concerned and understand that people are dying. 

At the same time though panicking and fretting all the time isn't healthy and we all need distraction and a bit of levity to get through these days.

So where were we. Week 7 in the new house and week 6 living full time and I had before being locked down a bit of a road to Damascus moment. Those who regularly read this may have previously seen me mention that I always knew something wasn't right as I looked in the mirror and was confused that I felt the person looking back wasn't me.

Even after going full time I felt self doubt. Not that it wasn't right but that I did not get that feeling that I expected that looking in the mirror was me. It takes time I think even for yourself to process what you have done. That was until just over a week ago. I had felt in the days leading up to this moment an increased contentment with myself. Confidence was increasing daily and worrying less.

My style and look was falling into place. Then one day after getting ready for work, I put on a new dress I'd bought from Wallis and looked in the mirror. I felt a wave wash over me. A peace you may call it but I looked in the mirror and saw me. Not a facsimile, not someone trying so hard to be themselves but the true me looking back. I feel emotional recalling it and felt butterflies and wobbly. Took longer to get ready and kept going back to look in the mirror. No tears just a deep sense of serenity and happiness.

Since then I have felt more and more like me. Sleep has been peaceful, living as Amanda has been a joy and I was so looking forward to the year and being me.

I can't deny that I am upset that I can't push on but as I said before contextually it's a delay, a blip in my life. I can get through this now knowing what I know whereas before mentally would have struggled.

So to the dress I referenced. Pre shutdown sale and 75% off. I can still grab a bargain. Bought a few camisoles to wear under tops. Always worried about thin straps with my wide shoulders but shows the difference in mindset that I love them because I love who I am now. We are all different and don't have to subscribe to what people think we should look like. I will always stand out but I see that as me just being me now. This is me and I'm so so happy with myself now. Be yourself and ignore others.

So looking forward, we are in strange times and socially I'm constrained but inside I'm happy. I have my own place and safe here. I'm healthy in mind and body. I'm working from home now but dress every day for work. 7 weeks in and still haven't duplicated a work outfit. I bought very well but I think by the end of the week I will start the cycle again.

So I won't be going out or entertaining for a while. Not going to stop me. Every Saturday night until this ends I'll put the party frocks on and heels, crack open a bottle of wine, hit classic disco on Spotify and have my own little party. 

I leave you with all my wishes you keep safe and well. Do as you are told but don't get down and still be you where and when you can. Little things feel like big victories and we will get over this. What a party we will have then eh. Might buy some workout gear in the interim to exercise in my back garden. 

Until next time, my first solo party photo... 

Amanda xx