Coping
Hi there and thanks as always for checking in.
Ticked over 16,000 page views recently. Still seems like a lot to me but suspect some bloggers get this in a week not nearly 4 years lol.
Hope we are all managing in the current world crisis. Odd how 2020 is turning out so far. Bit of a write off from my perspective.
Having re read my last blog entry I can see at that point I was not taking it well. Just shows how fragile your mental state can be. I've said it before and its no reflection on what is going on in the world but I'm seriously frustrated with life at the moment.
I am about to hit another milestone in that I am about to pass 4 months living full time. Unless you work at a supermarket check out you really wouldn't know. Only people I am seeing at the moment. That and the postman who seems to be a regular visitor lol but more of that later. It should be a milestone but just doesnt feel like it.
As lockdown eases ever so slightly then I hope I can get out a bit more and see more of the world. Internally my confidence is there its just you need practice, you know out shopping, cafes, bars and just general mingling. I really miss all that.
I had hoped by now that I would have seen my GP and started on hormones. It is really trying as now I feel very much mentally liberated but physically restrained. I am going to see how early June goes and if there isnt any substantial lessening and thus can get to see my GP, then I think im going to bypass them and just get started privately. Not what I wanted or planned but I think a lot of people are having to rewrite their plans for this year. I just feel lost at the moment. No direction and no idea when I can get control back. Feels very familiar looking back over the recent years but I am burnt out from fighting on my own and constantly hitting problems all the time. Takes its toll.
If I can get back a semblance of control or direction, or even put a plan together and start on that path then I will feel that much better. Until then the struggle continues.
So to lighten things a bit, I have used the time I have on my hands wisely and shopped a lot. Hence the postman reference. Lost count of the parcels turning up. Clothes mainly but picked up a few nice earrings.
Things that I have found out as a result of my shopping. I have a majority of hooped earrings in my possession and can wear them now in my pierced ears which have finally settled down. However when I walk I sometimes get a wind tunnel effect with them and can hear the wind going through the middle lol. Is this just me or is this the norm?
I was a bit conscious I was lacking summer stuff. Had hoped to shop a bit (really looking forward to my first trip to Cheshire Oaks as me - yup Amanda has not been yet) but online has come to the rescue. I have however developed very specific dislikes! Really dont get dresses with pockets. Not the seem ones where you cannot see them (quite handy) but the patch ones on the front. Just reminds me of stuff I had when I was a kid in the 70s. Just seems odd to me.
Also wedges i.e. shoes. Really dont get them. Heels should be separate from soles. Might have something to do with my big feet and they look odd on me. Only ever had one pair and hated them. Cannot ever see me going back to them.
So invested in a few floaty floral dresses if I ever get out in the sun. I have given up on the Saturday night glam up. Started to feel a bit false and want to save it for when I can actually get back out again. However I am still playing around with styles and looks. I still dress for work in case I get VC'd out of the blue but also as its a good habit to have and I bought all the clothes for work so may as well use them. To be honest I have never been one as Amanda for dressing down. I do like to look smart whatever and feels right working in smart clothes even on dress down days where I do let it go a bit more casual.
I put a post on my social media accounts recently that summed matters up concerning how I look. It was essentially ignore what you are supposed to do, if you like it then wear it. Thats my philosophy now from a clothing sense. Im not outrageous but why cant I wear clothes that represent me. Im tired of conforming. Did that for a lot of my life and not wasting time on that anymore.
I said a while back that I would welcome help and comments about what I should be wearing. Sorry but stuff that. I am now happy with where I am at on that score and know what I like and what suits me. Not really bothered if you disagree, I said this also a while back but "this is me". That goes for the voice. I am trying to take the edge off it. It will take time, its a muscle that just needs practice but again in the meantime I am what I am.
So what next. Well continue to living as me. Fine tuning where I can and tweaking other bits. Started the search for the Christmas Party frock. Trying so hard not to buy red this year!! The relaxation of mixing between households (even if just very small numbers) would make a big difference as I could have people round. People, fellow humans, really forgotten what that feels like.
One thing that will come out of this is. I will appreciate company more than ever and really start giving less of a ....... well you know what I mean.
So until next time I leave you all with one request. I have been me inside for all of my teen years and my adult life. Only recently have I had the chance to blossom into who I am. How I look is important, how I speak will come in time and getting out and about also may take a while. In the meantime there is one thing that means a lot and that you can do to help me.
I am Amanda. Thats my legal name, my documents (even my Nectar card) are saying that. I will help me a lot if before speaking to me that you just take a split second and make sure you get my name right. Its a pretty damn big thing for me. Just saying.
Take care be safe and be happy.
Amanda
xx
Ticked over 16,000 page views recently. Still seems like a lot to me but suspect some bloggers get this in a week not nearly 4 years lol.
Hope we are all managing in the current world crisis. Odd how 2020 is turning out so far. Bit of a write off from my perspective.
Having re read my last blog entry I can see at that point I was not taking it well. Just shows how fragile your mental state can be. I've said it before and its no reflection on what is going on in the world but I'm seriously frustrated with life at the moment.
I am about to hit another milestone in that I am about to pass 4 months living full time. Unless you work at a supermarket check out you really wouldn't know. Only people I am seeing at the moment. That and the postman who seems to be a regular visitor lol but more of that later. It should be a milestone but just doesnt feel like it.
As lockdown eases ever so slightly then I hope I can get out a bit more and see more of the world. Internally my confidence is there its just you need practice, you know out shopping, cafes, bars and just general mingling. I really miss all that.
I had hoped by now that I would have seen my GP and started on hormones. It is really trying as now I feel very much mentally liberated but physically restrained. I am going to see how early June goes and if there isnt any substantial lessening and thus can get to see my GP, then I think im going to bypass them and just get started privately. Not what I wanted or planned but I think a lot of people are having to rewrite their plans for this year. I just feel lost at the moment. No direction and no idea when I can get control back. Feels very familiar looking back over the recent years but I am burnt out from fighting on my own and constantly hitting problems all the time. Takes its toll.
If I can get back a semblance of control or direction, or even put a plan together and start on that path then I will feel that much better. Until then the struggle continues.
So to lighten things a bit, I have used the time I have on my hands wisely and shopped a lot. Hence the postman reference. Lost count of the parcels turning up. Clothes mainly but picked up a few nice earrings.
Things that I have found out as a result of my shopping. I have a majority of hooped earrings in my possession and can wear them now in my pierced ears which have finally settled down. However when I walk I sometimes get a wind tunnel effect with them and can hear the wind going through the middle lol. Is this just me or is this the norm?
I was a bit conscious I was lacking summer stuff. Had hoped to shop a bit (really looking forward to my first trip to Cheshire Oaks as me - yup Amanda has not been yet) but online has come to the rescue. I have however developed very specific dislikes! Really dont get dresses with pockets. Not the seem ones where you cannot see them (quite handy) but the patch ones on the front. Just reminds me of stuff I had when I was a kid in the 70s. Just seems odd to me.
Also wedges i.e. shoes. Really dont get them. Heels should be separate from soles. Might have something to do with my big feet and they look odd on me. Only ever had one pair and hated them. Cannot ever see me going back to them.
So invested in a few floaty floral dresses if I ever get out in the sun. I have given up on the Saturday night glam up. Started to feel a bit false and want to save it for when I can actually get back out again. However I am still playing around with styles and looks. I still dress for work in case I get VC'd out of the blue but also as its a good habit to have and I bought all the clothes for work so may as well use them. To be honest I have never been one as Amanda for dressing down. I do like to look smart whatever and feels right working in smart clothes even on dress down days where I do let it go a bit more casual.
I put a post on my social media accounts recently that summed matters up concerning how I look. It was essentially ignore what you are supposed to do, if you like it then wear it. Thats my philosophy now from a clothing sense. Im not outrageous but why cant I wear clothes that represent me. Im tired of conforming. Did that for a lot of my life and not wasting time on that anymore.
I said a while back that I would welcome help and comments about what I should be wearing. Sorry but stuff that. I am now happy with where I am at on that score and know what I like and what suits me. Not really bothered if you disagree, I said this also a while back but "this is me". That goes for the voice. I am trying to take the edge off it. It will take time, its a muscle that just needs practice but again in the meantime I am what I am.
So what next. Well continue to living as me. Fine tuning where I can and tweaking other bits. Started the search for the Christmas Party frock. Trying so hard not to buy red this year!! The relaxation of mixing between households (even if just very small numbers) would make a big difference as I could have people round. People, fellow humans, really forgotten what that feels like.
One thing that will come out of this is. I will appreciate company more than ever and really start giving less of a ....... well you know what I mean.
So until next time I leave you all with one request. I have been me inside for all of my teen years and my adult life. Only recently have I had the chance to blossom into who I am. How I look is important, how I speak will come in time and getting out and about also may take a while. In the meantime there is one thing that means a lot and that you can do to help me.
I am Amanda. Thats my legal name, my documents (even my Nectar card) are saying that. I will help me a lot if before speaking to me that you just take a split second and make sure you get my name right. Its a pretty damn big thing for me. Just saying.
Take care be safe and be happy.
Amanda
xx
I do think you've been coping remarkably well during this crisis. Especially as you are a person living on their own. Really pleased and honoured to know you.
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