15 minutes

Hi All

Well what a few weeks it has been.

Firstly lockdown gets eased enough so I can actually get out shopping. The new normal involves short queues, one way systems and had sanitizer at every stop.

To be honest I dont care. I am out mixing with people and starting to move back to something like previous. I however have a bubble vacancy which I am still looking for someone to fill. Not sure however much difference it will make. Local infection rates are down to 1 this month so not sure where people are getting ill. Once I get back to the office then it may feel more normal.

In the meantime I do my best to cope. Its still a lonely existence and it certainly doesnt help the dysphoria. For those catching up, dysphoria is the technical name for the feelings you have whereby you dont feel you match your assigned gender. It fluctuates with me. It can be just mild depression and then days of real frustration and wanting to really scream and shout.

I try to adapt and I have coping strategies for it but they get tested and the current environment doesn't help. It also doesnt help when leaked news suggests that trans rights are going to be rolled back. I hope the significant support that has been whipped up as a result makes a difference but I felt really really threatened by the proposed changes. If you want to know what I think about trans rights see my last blog but just to verify we are no threat, there is no threat (check the facts) and as such it is a nonsense. In a time where prejudice is causing deaths and violence how can such changes be justified to restrict a significant minority. I dont get it and talk of minorities getting better rights than non minorities is another nonsense. Being in the majority doesnt mean you are lesser thought of. Minorities are just trying to catch up and get equality. Thats why the focus in on them at the moment. Privilege means you dont have to fight to live as you are and arent under threat. If that doesnt register then you need to live in the shoes of someone whose rights are questioned. It may well change your mind. If it doesnt then you really need to open your eyes.

So its really been a tough period. I have now reached the point where I really cant see my own body anymore. Until I am at least in part covered and with the hair done, I cant look in a mirror anymore. Its not me, its not a reflection of me but someone else. The desire to be the true me just builds and builds. I am now trying my hardest to be physically as I can as much as I can during a 24hr period. Sleeping with forms is now the norm. Going to sleep, feeling that, seeing that and then waking up the next morning and seeing what I hope to have just makes so much a difference. You just keep trying until I can do anything about it

So as I have said previously this year was supposed to be me getting out and hopefully would have included a few prides...well okay I planned to do loads!

This month is pride month and so also feels like a missed month. It was with some surprise therefore that I got approached through work to do an interview with Legal Week a journal for the legal community and I presumed just a UK readership. The call was good and did the usual spiel about how I got to where I am - think of this whole blog in 200 words lol.

I thought a few people may well have picked it up and seen it. A mad rush for a new photo was needed (glad I dress for work each day now!) and it was published online within 24 hrs on....law.com nonetheless. Global reach!!

My blog has had 300+ page views this week, twitter took a hammering and my LinkedIn profile hit +2555% increase in profile views! I hope those who have seen the blog carry on reading it and take something away from this.

The comments have been lovely from people I know to people who just stumbled across it. I am always glad to tell my story and spread the word so if anyone reads this, I am available anytime for interviews or to do presentations. I feel evangelical about making sure the facts get out there and people understand that we are just people trying to live our lives as best we can, no more than you or anyone else.

So as the title alludes this week I had a little spot that Mr Warhol suggests is time limited. I hope that's not the case and that I can get the word out more in future.

In the interim I continue to dress for work and keep the wardrobe topped up. I think I may have secured the Christmas do frock. Yes its red again!! Not as red as last years! I think ive also got enough summer dresses and hope I get the chance to wear them. Whatever I dress for me now and not to blend in or be anonymous as perhaps I would in the past. Now I dress for what I want to wear. Living as your true self does that. It makes you address previous lack of feeling you and just expressing yourself. Its liberating.

In the next week or so its time for my psych assessment to start of my medical transition. It cannot come soon enough. Work are helping by putting in evidence that I have socially transitioned. All help appreciated.

Hope that I have something positive to report therefore next time.

Until then keep safe and feel free to pass my details onto the New York times, Le Monde and CNN

Take care

Amanda

xx