Progress and problems

Hi there again.

Im tending to go back into the bi weekly mode with these blogs but feels like sometimes I may have more to say than not. This one falls within the more to say category.

Ok so lockdown has eased a smidge. Still nowhere near the norm and I noticed a subtle change in the last rules. Prior to this if you "entertained" at your home the criminal was the one attending. Now its both of you. Sex between you and a new none household partner is illegal.

Three possible outcomes from this

- Baby boom from Early 2021 onwards

- Some of said babies may be related!

- If lockdown continues like this indefinitely the human race will end in about 120 years.

On that cheery note thanks for tuning in....No as I said plenty for me to say.

Lets get serious for a mo. The world can be a screwed up place in the best of times but its arguable that in recent times things may have been a bit more screwed.

The world sometimes fails to treat each other fairly and equally. Equality is a human right. No one is better or more deserving than anyone else just because of their existence.. Despite this we see gender, race, sex, sexuality and more coming between people.

I am clear in my mind that I have only treated someone differently solely because I really didnt like them or what they said or what they stood for. My friends have always been mixed in a variety of ways and still are today. My walls as a child had posters of people I admired without issue as to race, sex or sexuality. Today is no different. My tastes for everything are entirely non prejudicial.

However as a trans person that seems to be different. Whilst I personally have only sufferred very low level abuse and only twice , I am aware I am lucky. However when persons take it upon themselves to disparage the trans community generally, then my hackles rise!

We are not a threat to women or womens rights. I go the loo to pee. Perhaps TMI but my anatomy is so buried in industrial strength clothing to keep it out of sight and mind I can assure you it would take hours and stimulus in an intimate way from a gorgeous lady or man for many an hour before it would in any way be a threat. Not your average toilet event or trip. I may take a while but thats because I have to take a darn sight more off an back on.

Transwomen have been using ladies loos for decades. Nothing has happened so the scares are just that. Designed to spread fear.

Changing rooms the same. Even in my past I rarely visited them. I knew my sizes and bought the same. Returning it if it was crap. Same applies now but again in changing rooms im stripping to my undies behind a door or curtain. I am more bothered with extracting myself with grace than anything else. Again scare stories.

I want to be a woman. That means I want to join you not scare you or split you. I am as affirmative for womans rights as any other woman and abhor bias or any "ism" you care to think of. The almost totality of the trans community do so. The are bad eggs in every way of life and we are no different. Do we stop women teachers because one had sex with a pupil or women nurses because one went on a killing spree on a childrens ward? No so why without evidence are Transwomen so hated. Note not transmen but if transwomen have to use their birth sex toilets, then bearded "women" will be in the ladies. Who will gatekeep this. I know many a transwoman who look so so feminine and at the same time I have seen many a woman who would struggle to meet the definition in any shape or form.

We are treading on dangerous ground if we treat equality as conditional or subjective. Marginalize one group and it opens legitimate debates about others. Equality is absolute. If anyone hears or sees transphobic comments please be an ally and shut them down immediately.

I fear for my ability to live my life as me based on lies and misinformation.

On better news, I alluded to seeking out assistance for my medical transition. Well I got fed up waiting and decided to do something.

I appreciate I am in a better position than most in that I can afford private treatment. I see it entirely as luck but at the same time I hope I can take some pressure of scarce NHS resources by doing so.

So I approached GenderCare a group of NHS gender specialists who also do private work. Dont say I am a hypocrite. A huge amount of NHS consultants work both sides.

Two fold approach. Psych consult to confirm my gender disphoria and then a medical assessment to consider my hormone treatment. Pysch consult is at the end of the month.

I also advised my GP that I was doing this and wanted a GIC referral as a back up. Also they will need to know what treatment I am having and hopefully do my bloods. Lovely GP rang me the next day and said she will get the ball rolling.

I finally feel progress is on its way. Its been tough being alone and not out and about. Ive said it a lot that I am frustrated with what has happened. I know and understand why but it still hurts. I may have been a bit more sensitive and grumpy in recent weeks and I am sorry if thats the case. I have struggled but hopefully things are improving.

I have never been more certain this is the right path. I look at my body naked and just dont see me at all. Its like I am squatting illegally. I hold no fear about the medical processes and welcome the changes. I reiterate I have known since I was a small child that my body wasnt right. We are all born female and something kicks over the genes to be male. Its a lottery and nothing I chose. I dont know if there is any science to this but it feels like when mine kicked over it botched the job and not all went as it should. I feel in my soul female.

I am working on making myself more as I feel I should. I have always expressed a preference for vintage lingerie of a robust style. I used to wear it for special occasions but now I will start wearing it when I want. Gives me curves I love. Generally I am wearing what makes me happy rather than conforming. Dont ever conform for the sake of it. It destroys your soul. Be you and be proud of you.

I have even invested in a swimming costume. More likely to be used for sunbathing in my secluded back garden than down the local pool. I prior to buying it was out back in the hot weekend recently and forgot the cream. Burn marks where my camisole rested were obvious but you know I felt amazing. Marks that showed me as a female. That was another of those "ping" moments.

I hope therefore in the coming weeks to have more positive news and I will try not to be grumpy / snappy as much.

In the meantime, stay safe, keep the 2m where you can and mask up when you cant. We will beat this and be it a new norm or same old same old we will return. In the meantime I am counting on you all to support trans rights wherever you can. It means so much so me. Anyone who has supported me I will never forget and should I win the lottery.....

Until next time thanks as always for tuning in.

Amanda xx