Landmarks

Hi there.

Been a while since I put my thoughts to "paper". Had a period of celebration passing another year and then followed by a annoying period of illness. Not the C19 but just a viral thing that took a while to shake off. Got there in the end.

I had hoped by at this point I would have had the chance to point out a new bit of self promotion. I did a few weeks ago a podcast on LGBT issues for my regulator. I have had the chance to hear it but its not been published to the outside world as far as I am aware. As soon as I find out where, I will edit this blog and paste a link. It is something I really enjoy and hope to do more of.

I have heard it played back. I dont know about you guys but normally I was never one for liking the sound of my own voice. Just never sounded like what I felt came out of my mouth. I am now however even more self conscious.

This process of being me was always a learning process and whilst I researched and planned well, there were always occasions where I got it wrong. I look back at some of my early blogs and cringe a little. One was the voice. I just thought I could switch over. Wrong. Ive been using that voice for years and I need to retrain it. I have tried to soften it around the edges and are now using various tools to do that. Mainly its remembering and not slipping back into the old style that is the main problem now but suspect that in time it will become second nature. Working from home doesnt help as there isnt that interaction with people that happens as a result of just getting around.

However as part of my recent assessment / diagnosis, I am now entitled to some actual voice training and my GP has referred me so that hopefully will help me refine the skills needed. Any feedback of course would be appreciated.

On that point today was an important day. My psychiatrist had referred my GP to undertake blood tests per HRT commencement. I gave them a couple of weeks to get it and of course they are a tad busy at the moment so when chasing it up this week they were on it straight away.

You know in medical dramas where the doctor orders FBC, group save and match  etc etc, well my note had more acronyms and abbreviations than ever before and I say that as a lawyer who works in an industry where abbreviations are rife.

So today they took "an arm full". One for the real oldies there. I don't do needles well so gazing at the wall opposite had the desired effect. Once I get the result then off private again for an endochronology appointment and then hopefully medication. Some good things came out of today. The nurses at the blood clinic were lovely and noticeably my gender marker on my NHS records was "f".

That means a lot to me. Its all about recognition for who I actually am.

I am also approaching fast a few landmarks. I passed this last week 6 months living in my identity. It has flown and as each day passes I become more at ease with how I am. Going out is now no problem at all and I am starting to get comfortable even visiting public loos which can sometimes be tricky. The bigots are a very small minority but they are still out there.

Also this week its one year being separated and a few weeks later formally the anniversary of my divorce. That also means 1 year since any contact with my kids. I have strange feelings about that. I suspected that this was likely. In the years running up to the divorce times were strained. Birthdays and Christmas were ignored and I felt a stranger in my own home. I suspect no doubt one agenda has been repeatedly maintained and that will not be one conducive to my benefit.

I get asked a lot do they know. I dont know. I didnt tell them and never had the chance. All I wanted was one day for me to sit down and explain things from my perspective. I never got that chance. I suspect my ex who was not known for her compassion and understanding would no doubt revel in ruining my reputation. If after they heard me out they still didnt want to know me then I suppose that would be ok save that if ever they needed me I would always be there.

I think I feel sad for them more than anything. One day I hope when they grow up they may realize and time has been wasted. I think I just feel mostly sad about the whole thing. However you cannot force people to be perhaps what they arent and I move forward just hoping one day things may change. Talking doesnt hurt anyone and I just dont get why anyone would want to entirely ignore a parent. Odd.

Until then, I press on. Hopefully as society opens up a bit more post covid (no one in my locality is getting it anymore) I can get out more. I need to re integrate into society just to be me.

Of course I am still shopping but more its about stuff I really want as I have a plentiful wardrobe now.

I again thank all those who read this and hope by next time I write I might be talking about medication. Now that I believe it likely to be interesting.

Until then be safe, mask up (go glam and not those green paper things) and dont forget to enjoy life.

Amanda xx