Milestone

Hi all. 

Just checking back and its been a while since I last posted. I had been making notes in an attempt to make these a bit more structured and ensure I cover everything I want. I'll let you the reader be the judge as to if this has worked. 

The title and the reason for the delay is my hitting 50. Must admit I wasnt looking forward to it and took a bit of getting used to. It was more about my state of mind currently as opposed to the birthday week which was spent in glorious weather in that London. 

No it was more of a question of being in a bit of a slump. We had freedom day the day before my birthday. I was hoping for a bit of a run up to it to get used to being back to "normal" but didnt happen.Thrown in at the deep end therefore and on my own (more of that in a moment). Just didnt feel like it should have and got a bit stressed about things. I know I wasnt the only one but hey this is my blog so its going to be about me lol. 

Aside from the release anxiety, progress as Amanda has been very good. I am increasingly confident in my persona. Any residual concerns are dropping away as time progresses. Loo trips arent as anxiety ridden as they used to be although I am still selective about where and when to avoid the risk of any grief. Quiet locations are preferred and I am not avoiding drinks now as much to avoid the need to go to the loo. Lockdown has helped in that respect being quieter in most places but as my medical transition has progressed then the anxiety seems to have decreased. 

I have had a few emotional moments. Times where in the past it would be stiff upper lip are now lower lip tremblers. It was on the cards and not entirely unexpected or indeed unpleasant. Just understand that it is somewhat out of my control. I may react differently to how I might have in the past and I am getting used to these unexpected blubbings as well. 

Physically the changes continue as well. Breast formation is slow but every so often I notice a distinct change. Some days they itch and ache badly, others less so. Not bad for just 8 months on hormones. Lower down it is essentially defunct. I do feel very much more me though, more how I should be although the hormones have caused a bit of fat reallocation which is proving difficult to shift. Half portions from now on should help. 

As alluded to above, I have essentially done the last 18 or so months flying mostly solo. Living alone and the bulk of the time working alone (even in our largely deserted office but this is improving). Being in London for my birthday was excellent in some respects in that I could do what I wanted when I wanted but I missed the company. Someone to talk to ( I have always talked to myself a lot lol) and someone to share experiences with. Eating alone at night was not much fun. 

So how to resolve this. Dating a transwoman I dont doubt will be a challenge for most. Aside from the gossip and the comments, family and friends would have to be pretty liberal to accept a relationship at face value. Its wrong to be like that but thats the reality. So the market is small I suspect.What I however need to do is get out there and socialize. So if you know me and fancy a drink or join me at the cinema then feel free to ping me a message. I am going to try and get out to more networking do's and events to again simply get out and meet new people and see what happens. So if you know someone liberal and open minded who likes film, sport, socializing and can put up with my shopping then send them my way!

In the meantime I am "trying" the medium of internet dating. Again you dont just hit the usual sites because the people looking for me generally arent on there. Not sure how this will pan out but I will give it a go and see what happens. 

Holidays in future I think will no longer be the solo jaunts I have done for the last 6 years. I think its time to see what an organized trip may have to offer me or going to a place where there is more opportunity to mix and not be alone. I am open to anything interesting so lets see what 2022 brings on that score. In the meantime I think I may well be taking more time away for weekends rather than sitting home alone. 

One thing that crossed my mind as my birthday passed was fashion. I have never been on trend and my size means certain things arent worn. I have however always said that you dress how you want. It did however cross my mind, should I be dressing more my age. I dont think I ever did that and I wont be signing up to the over 50 specialist retailers anytime soon but I also think the days of River Island may well be behind me now lol. That said I treated myself to another Phase 8 dress recently and thats 10 of them now. Add in a few tops and I am slowly filling my wardrobe with their stuff. 

Anyhow thats an eventful few weeks over. Its made me think a lot about what I want to do in the post Covid world. I think I have a good idea now on what I want to do and how I want to do it. It is very much a social thing. so as said above, if you fancy a tea/coffee or something stronger let me know. As the autumn approaches trips to the theatre and cinema will be back on and also entertaining at home. One thing I will not be doing is sitting in alone anymore. 

Until next time (which should be a lot sooner this time), be yourself, enjoy yourself and say hello if you see me online. 

Loves to all 

Amanda xx