Not what I expected

 Hi there. 

Just think back about these blogs and when I first started out I wanted this to be like a serial you tuned in with but as the same developed I found that at varying times I had either a lot to say or not a lot to say so they went infrequent / erratic. This blog is an example of the latter. Not been that long since I last blogged but things have happened so time to catch up

I have said in the past that previous trips to Blackpool were fundamental in my understanding and accepting my gender identity. Essentially it allowed me to find out who I was. There was a friendly hotel, friendly bars and just a whole attitude to acceptance that allowed me within a safe space to work myself out. Old blogs will detail the highs and lows of that process. 

Well since I went "full time" as we call it, I had always planned to revisit and enjoy that convivial atmosphere again this time without the associated stresses of finding out who I was as I pretty much have done all that. 

Covid delayed such matters until this past weekend when I had the chance to return but this time as me from start to finish. 

The past hotel had changed hands and was no longer the oasis of safety that was previously. So off to new digs. It felt different but was safely ensconced in the area I wanted to be.

Afternoon flew by with a few drinks and then back to the hotel for change and then the night out with a good friend. A trip back to the old haunts was planned but things had changed. Clientele had changed and people who you expected to be there weren't. It was oddly surreal and somewhat disconcerting. The night was only salvaged by moving onto a bar which was new and we hadnt been to before. Turned out to be excellent.

Saturday night was drag cabaret in my hotel which we caught the first half of and should have stayed for the lot. Another attempt to resurrect the past experiences was quickly dropped thereafter and just enjoyed a really good night bouncing from bars to bars and hitting the dancefloors!

In hindsight I had made a miscalculation. 

When I went previously, the intent was entirely different. I was finding myself. There was a specific need and the whole set up was catered for that need. I was returning with that need resolved and yet oddly looking back thought that it would be the same. I realized that it could never be that as I have passed that point. 

I went originally as frightened, inexperienced and not at all confident.I saw some girls out over the weekend with some of what I had and they grouped together as if in search of a collectivism, a safety in numbers. I didnt need that anymore, that time in my life has gone. I feel no longer a specific part of that group.

Once that dawned on me albeit late in the weekend, I then thought better of a weekend not because of anything specific that happened but because of my mindset had not gone to plan. The plan was pants and now tired after what was a truly special trip I can re-evaluate it in a much more positive light.

In particular there were interactions with other people out who added special bits. My Saturday night outfit was commended more than once by differening types of people. I have since been told that I was a "head turner". I've never been one to see myself as that but it was certainly very nice to hear. 

Its weird how these last few years have gone. I had a plan and there has been so much that has gone right but so much that I've had to re-evaluate. This weekend was an eye opener but at the same time makes me realize what I have achieved.

I'll definitely be going back but next time not with those preconceptions hanging over me or the need to try and fulfil something intangible. It was a truly fabulous weekend and one I needed with great company. 

It's taught me I think finally that my identity is now firmly established. It's taught me that I can be me in whatever environment. It's taught me to be able to be free to be me without necessarily the need for some support group mentality but most importantly after a poor few weeks that I can be me in the knowledge that 99.9% are behind me. The comments, random hugs, dance partners and general niceness of people when we were out was very reassuring. 

All I need now is to crack this dating thing.....

One final thing. If you see a trans person out and about just let them be themselves. You are likely to not know why they are out or what they are going through. I can however guarantee that if you are nice to them you will be doing them a great service. I know, I've been there and still to a lesser extent are. 

Being nice harms no one. Practice it and you will find that also it makes you feel nice!. Go on give it a try.

Until next time, be good and be happy

Amanda xx