The emotional one

Hi all. 

Just reading back through some recent posts and note an overall thread of negativity. It's been a tough little period involving a few ups with marginally more downs.

I said in the past that a change due to hormones was I could become more emotional. I hadn't really noticed it until recently. It wasn't as expected but the more I thought about it there more I understood. I had unwittingly focused on not letting that happen to the point where I put more pressure on myself than was wise. I tried to force control and ignore it. All the time it was bubbling away underneath. It's broke through the surface a few times when the barriers dropped and I now recognise this. It brought out a few bad things (I was / am drinking a little too much to try and relax / control the negativity) but I think I'm learning to understand this more now. 

So as we head towards the end of the year perhaps it's time to start focusing on the positives.

Firstly this blog has breached 22,000 hits. Wow and again I thank you all for still tuning in. 

It's transgender awareness week this week. It's an important part of the year for me. There is a focus on the positives and helping to educate people. Lived experience beats anything hands down so feel free to pass the existence of this blog on. 

There have been a few occasions this last month aside from the bad bits where acceptance was just taken as the norm. That's an amazing feeling and the support much of which is unspoken goes so much towards my happiness. You perhaps don't realise how much having people in my corner means. Being a strong ally is a very powerful message so please keep it up.

A week ago or so I had a bit of a moment on the medical side of things. As regular readers will know, I've been on hormones for coming up to a year now. One of the intended effects is breast growth. I had over the summer downgraded my prosthesis to a size smaller to reflect the growth so far and had bought an A cup bra which I filled nicely.

Well in this last few weeks is noticed my bras getting tight with the prosthesis again. I fortunately had a B cup soft bra handy. Not a generous B cup but labelled as such nonetheless. I put it in sans prosthesis and it fitted almost perfectly. I just felt this wave of emotions. I felt deeply affected by this as at last my body was starting to be how it should be. Looking down and seeing something substantive properly supported without any boosters was just surreal. It's taken a good few days for this to sink in. 

This was so important to me and lifted me no end. They still hurt daily and are sensitive so growth is ongoing and I only hit my planned Estradiol level this autumn so hopefully more to come. I can even with the right bra see a fair bit of cleavage now. Just an amazing feeling. 

Even looking at myself in old dresses which were rather unshaped I can now see more of a figure underneath. It's really encouraging.

Another big event this coming weekend. Off to Blackpool for the weekend. Again regular readers will know how important this place is to me. However I've just realized due to COVID this is the first time back there as me entirely. Not traveling up there as one person to be another for a short period of time and hating having to change back. This time I'm me just having fun as me. Very important trip this and really looking forward to it. Some old haunts to be revisited and new ones to find including a new hotel to stay at. Adore the inclusiveness of the place.

Finally we are heading into celebration season. I hope I get a chance to get out with those that know me and have some fun. Give me a shout if you want.

I really feel I'm making some serious progress now and am happier within than I think I have ever been. I hope those that read this, know me really understand how important this is. Being authentic isn't a choice and should never be.

Take care all and watch out for the Blackpool review coming soon.

Love

Amanda xx