Break & Change.

I'm writing this a few days after returning from Blackpool. I needed these days to recover 😊.

It's amazing sometimes how you need to recharge the batteries just by getting away from the normal.

Was checking my diary the other day. Blackpool, Sparkle and a festival all happening. Back to pre season football, my Birthday and Liverpool Pride all within the next few weeks. Going to be busy but more importantly keeping me occupied.

It's difficult to avoid a countdown but I'm coming up to bang on two months from Surgery. That's come around very quickly. I'm starting to think about it a bit more now. I'm thinking about the rehabilitation period most. Looking up other stories and lived experiences to see what it involves. I'm still convinced the problem will be boredom and not being able to get out and about. Got to fill that gap and whilst I thought Disney+ might have been an idea, I'm leaning more towards an X-Box. 

Little milestones keep passing by and going to be a few more in the coming months. I've ditched the prosthesis entirely now. I'm still growing (based on the sensitivity - if you hug me please be conscious of this!) So after experimenting without I've bought a few more bras to accommodate my day to day needs. Some have a little help built in and chicken fillets will assist when needing that extra boost. Some bras I have will now take a back seat pending further growth. I'm supposedly half way through the growth process but as always each person has an individual journey.

I also have had my last ever testosterone suppression jab. They were three monthly and after surgery I will generally not be producing my own natural testosterone. That's pretty big thinking about it. Until now it's been a battle of pushing down one hormone to be replaced by another. That won't be needed anymore. My T levels were very low anyway at 0.5 which is very much at the lower median for women. The average for men is 20 times higher. Interestingly I'm massively below IOC limits but no chance of me hitting the Olympics anytime soon 😆

I have noticed recently that my physicality has diminished a lot. Hurt myself the other day doing something I previously would have done easily. Another adaptation to get used to. 

I mentioned before that I feel immensely privileged to be able to afford surgery. I read the other day that the first appointment for a GIC on the NHS is now four years and the backlog is over 10,000 people per GIC. This is adults and over four times of new referrals are being added compared to appointments made per month. That's unsustainable by any form and whilst my going private takes one off that list, resources are tight end of. Non UK operations seem to be increasing as well. 

It will have been about 30 months start to finish and we had a pandemic throughout most of that. I remain grateful for the ability to get here so quickly. I could have been in rehab by now. The private waiting list for surgery was just three months but I wanted to rehab when it suited me.

One of the things to decide the delay was to get sometime away. I'm still planning on a week in the sun in August on my own but I managed to hit Blackpool this past weekend.

As usual great company was on hand as was an excellent hotel. It's weird how bars vary in popularity each time I go up there. Good ones last time were replaced by others. I have documented how important this town was to my development and also how my needs have changed as I developed. Last visit before this I found conflicting thoughts and feelings. I felt I had moved on from the other girls and felt conflicted about my place in the community.

I therefore went this weekend with a clearer mind but still that sense of where would I fit in. I returned satisfied of my place. As I'm fully transitioning I'm in a different place to a lot of girls. Some never will either through choice or other reasons and I can understand that. I may not be part of that directly anymore i.e. living two lives but I'll never not be part of that wide breadth of the trans community. I won't forget where I came from but at the same time it won't define me anymore. I will passionately support and be part of my community yet the days of going up there just to be me have long passed. 

I will always go back there hopefully at least twice a year. I'll stay where I stay and go where I go not because that is either what I need or that's all I can do, but because I want to. It's a nuance but one that became clear this time. Visiting other parts also reminded me why I love it so much there. It will forever a place I call a part of me.

It is following this trip that any lingering doubts I had about where I fitted in have gone. I'll look forward to Sparkle and Liverpool Pride in the coming weeks with a real sense of connection with my community. People who share a commonality and community that I can equally gain from and contribute to. That is my community and my fellow people. Yet at the same time I won't be pigeon holed and can post op go forward as the woman I need to be wherever I find myself.

Pride month of June is ending shortly. Odd for me in that the big local events are July and August so it's only just starting! That said it shouldn't be just a day or month where we challenge those who wish to stop us. It's a 365 day a year challenge.

I'm at Liverpool Pride on the 30th July. Feel free to pop along, watch the parade 1230 from St George's Plateau, enjoy the friendly atmosphere regardless of your gender or sexuality, have a drink and take in the day as a whole. If you see me say hello (and buy me a drink - pink gin thanks) but most importantly enjoy being in the company of people being their true selves. You see a side of people that day which should show how important being true to yourself is.

I know how much it has meant to me. 

Amanda xx