final furlong

Hi there.

Over the last nearly five years of this blog I've been through so many events and change. I think when I started I had hope and some rough idea of how things would go. Certain things were perhaps more speculative than concrete.

I'm now well over two years in my new gender and feel entirely comfortable as me. I read a document the other day with my old name on and felt a real and distinct disconnection from it. It felt like someone else, someone not me. It was an odd but reassuring feeling.

Those years ago when I started my coming out I had real body issues but ever the pragmatist I knew the difficulties it would take to get to where I wanted to be. Oddly I sit here now with my biology changed. I have a burgeoning chest which I have started to abandon use of prosthesis. I have defunct genitals and I look in the mirror everyday and see a woman looking back at me. 

The big thing is yet to come. I'm now less than three months from my surgery. 11 weeks give or take. I booked my pre med the other day. Another trip to London and back in a day but it holds no qualms anymore.

I always hoped I could afford to either wait or pay for my surgery. I'd read testimonials, experiences and even watched videos to understand what was involved. Yet that always feels remote and distant when you are years away. I'm now only weeks.

I looked down and no longer imagined what it would look and feel like. It's difficult to describe but I think it best to say I knew what it would be like. I felt a wave of serenity. I also felt no feeling of loss or regret. It was energising and really provided confirmation. Any lingering doubts however minor went 

So I am ready. The final step. To use an analogy I've successfully rode the final hurdle and am approaching the elbow (racegoers will get that)

That step to make me complete may help in other ways. I've made mention of willing to re-enter the dating market. I've always known (and was warned) that dating as a Transwoman would be far from easy. I think that's an understatement. As Seal once said, loneliness is the killer.

I've done a lot on my own in recent years. Transitioning forces that on you to some extent. You are leaving one life and trying to establish yourself in another. I'm in no rush for a long term relationship but who doesn't want regular company or something romantic. I get that but I've not had a sniff of anything remotely like a date. 

I know part of it is me. Once I get to know people and count on them as friends I trust implicitly and hold little back. At that point I am an open book but up to that point you'd have more chance finding the ark of the covenant in a warehouse than cracking me. I know I need to open up more but I am finding it difficult. I am questioning a lot. Am I attractive? Am I doing my make up right? Is the hair good?. I'm also very much lacking those skills you pick up. It's very much new to me and feel that my full license is miles off. 

Not sure how to address this. I could do more on my own but confidence is lacking. I rarely feel comfortable say walking into a bar on my own and just sitting there. That sad look how many issues I have sumounted since the start. Each took a leap of faith but perhaps I'm running out of those leaps.

I know I need to crack it because I am far from happy being alone. I know I'll be alone in hospital and largely afterwards but I've always been prepared for that bit. It's long term that remains my concern. I welcome any advice and tips notably If you think im doing wrong. I am if nothing a good listener.

One last thing which was truly odd was about six months ago I really lost confidence in walking in heels. It was weird as I felt I was always on the brink of falling over to the point where I shortened my stride significantly and avoided shiny surfaces. I knew it was in my head but it's taken until now to shake it off. Truly odd. 

So at the end of the month I'm off again to Blackpool. I was supposed to go abroad but really struggled with doing it on my own. I therefore played it safe and am happier for it  Those who read about my last trip to the Pool will know how it screwed with my head. This time will be so different. Hoping for some nice weather to show off my long legs lol 

In the meantime this month is pride month. Take some time to think about how you can support the LGBT community. If anyone fancies some fun I'll be at both Sparkle and Liverpool Pride in July. Probably drop into other smaller events as well. Feel free to join me. If there is one thing I know how to do is party!

Until next time, be safe but be you.

Amanda xx