Under the knife

Been mulling over when to write this one. Immediately or after a considered period. Well as I'm currently bored on my hospital bed I thought I'd pen this now.

TW whilst I'm not going to go into huge details about my op, not least as I was asleep, anyone with low tolerance are warned. 

I tend to not edit these blogs much either so it's very much how I feel in this moment.

So I traveled down to London last Friday on my own. I was very nervous about it all. It's a pretty big op and I don't like hospitals generally. That said previously that was NHS and this I've paid for so expected there would be a difference.

Checked into my en suite room with satellite TV ready for an early start the next morning. 6am I was woken and various medical professionals popped in to chat etc. Got asked my DOB and name about a dozen times.

And then the wait..... appears I was third on the list. That's tough on the mental state. You psych yourself up and then nothing happens so you relax. Then suddenly you are called. Walking down to theatre was a surreal moment and I was in tears. Not worked out why but felt the need for an emotional release.

Attempted humour with my anaesthetist missed the goal by a mile but by this point I was super nervous so what did he expect. Again another medic introduced and I was getting a bit tetchy wanting to just get on with it.

I was out for three hours for a 90 minutes operation. I'll leave you to Google what is done. Felt disorientated for a while and had a really sore back. Epidural apparently.

Hooked up to four tubes, two for pain, one oxygen and catheter for urine. Obviously going the loo is a no no at this stage.

I admit to just before I went down thinking "what are you doing you idiot" and similarly afterwards. I mean let's face it, whilst the outcome is so so what I am who would actually want surgery. I quickly passed through. It was just nerves and over active mind thinking about nothing.

The pain has been up and down. I have an average threshold for the same. I'm tired already of being a pin cushion but needs must.

I've been asked already if I have looked at it. Firstly post op I was dressed. Couldn't see anything and was very swollen. 

Yesterday the dressing was removed and replaced with pads. I'm leaking something but what exactly I don't know. I do know it was expected and all comments from surgeon's and medics have been very happy with the outcome 

It may sound obvious but something ain't there anymore. It's still sore and swollen but I can't see any obvious stiches so looking like a neat job. 

I have had some phantom feeling of it still being there. That comes and goes but my body will adjust.

I'm tired a lot and trying so hard to keep my impatience in check. That has always been my worry. I am trying so hard to rest and recuperate.

As I'm still very much post op, then probably be a few days before anything more of note 

I've already been asked how I feel. It's complex. I'm leaving behind someone who was me but not the true me. There is very much a sense of moving on. I don't feel very feminine at the moment which isn't helping and being in pain and attached to a catheter isn't much fun. I know others who have expressed a sense of euphoria and relief but I've always been more logical about this process. I've worked hard and lost a lot to get to here. I've had to be focused on the goal and emotion I tried to avoid so as to maintain that focus.

Now I've done this it will as I recover sink in and then I think I'll be hit by a wave of feelings. 

I've said before I knew this meant change. I'm deeper down more convinced that whilst this is another step on my journey, it is truly a waypoint that will indicate big fundamental change. 

If I take anything from this, is the past is not my future.

Thanks as always for the kind words from people. I know I have some exceptional friends. 

One of the sacrifices I mentioned was my relationship with my children. You can choose your friends (and I appear to have chosen well) but you can't choose your family. 

The irony is not lost on me that had this been them, then I would be without any question foresquare behind them as my father has been with me. It's a continued shame that they have chosen a different path. 

So be it. I am safe in the knowledge that I have great friends and that part of my family who are behind me remain so 

I'm going to try to walk in a minute. I suspect that will feel rather different!

Amanda xx