Strangeness

I bet any men reading this, when confronted with a description of that involved in genital reconstruction surgery would invariably put their fingers in their ears, perhaps go a distinct shade of white and quite probably have a quick feel of their own in a sense of reassurance.

One of the reasons I knew I wanted surgery was I felt none of that. I felt no real attachment to it so when the deed was done I didn't fear the future not expect to miss it. 

As I'm now coming up to six weeks post surgery I remain resolute with my decision. 

I admit for a period post surgery in peak recovery I did seriously question myself but now things are starting to settle down, I realize it was that immediate response to major surgery. 

I looked at myself naked in the mirror for the first time this week. With an ongoing minor bleed in recent weeks and my strong aversion to blood especially my own, I just couldn't look at the work done without seeing it as a extract from a horror video. 

With my stitches all gone either absorbed or fell out, swelling gone and the bleed becoming infrequent and size of a shrinking 5p, I started to feel more body confident. A quick tidy up with the razor (I'd also been afraid to trim a sensitive area) that first look in the mirror was possible. 

It's strange but at the same time right. Whilst I'm still not entirely settled down there with nerves still knitting and giving off occasional shocks, the change is remarkable. I'm still amazed that what's there now is what was there but recycled!. Even knowing how it's done (videos are available on YouTube for educational purposes only) it still amazed me what was done.

Now the bulk of healing is done, I'm start to feel more sensitivity where expected. That still means that sitting down remains a challenge after a couple of hours. That is decreasing daily so I reckon a few more weeks and I can start to resume my adventures and socialize.

One interesting development is I'm using more loo roll. Why? Well blokes generally when faced with a standing call are content with a squeeze and shake. Aside from those of a religious persuasion there was a natural cover that would stop any minor rogue leak. 

Since then I'm having to do a wipe a few times a day. Note to self to bulk buy when next in Costco.

As regular readers will know I'm honest about the challenges. With such a change in anatomy thoughts have drifted as healing nears an end to how it's all going to work going forward particularly when something takes my interest.

Solely in the interests of science and to see how feelings had changed, a visit to a entirely legal but adult orientation website was undertaken. We know what the male reaction is and that of a cis female but I'm sort of a hybrid system at the moment pending full recovery.

The results will need further assessment (ahem....) but the feelings are certainly different. I'm not able to adequately describe it at the moment but there was a response and a response at ground zero. Early days yet and I have to work out the schematics but early sensations are promising.

I'm looking forward now to hopefully by the end of the month to begin to reestablish myself back into society in a meaningful way. Not full normality but beats home arrest which I'm stuck in at the moment. I'm seriously fed up not going out. 

One final thing. I've been called for a manogram. Logic says of course but it still came as a surprise. Bit of research indicates I'm marginally a higher risk so whilst a new experience to follow I'm not going to let any apprehension get in the way of sensible prevention.

As everything with this journey it's all about change and new adventures. News of another one will hopefully follow soon. I'm under a NDA so to speak but hopefully will reveal shortly.

Until next time, let's get planning our Eurovision party for next year. Woohoo!

Amanda xx