Reflection

Been a while since I was bestowed with superstar status and to be honest I've been basking in the same for a while since.

Perhaps it's time to come out of that haze and do what is likely to be my penultimate blog of the year. I started writing this with no idea what to write but had an inner feeling of having to. It's just going to flow I think.

Before I start it's time again for a quick review of my stats which show 27k of page reviews has ticked over. I'm nowhere near a super blogger (yet) but I'm still very proud of the reach this blog has had.

As a result I've been thinking back and looking at my journey since I started this. My final 2022 blog will gaze forward but for now let's go back in time....

Not that far but certainly to September the second and the day before my surgery. The last day as me. It's weird now to think of what I was then and where I am now. 

I was a bag of nerves but now I know that was superficial. The contentment I've achieved in transitioning and becoming who I should have been is unmeasurable. 

What is measurable is how I have changed as a result. I've found an inner confidence, I've found a voice (one I am really going to use now), I've found new avenues to explore and new friends. Particularly I've found who are my friends and which people are important to me. I'm not wasting time anymore on those who aren't with me or need to be convinced. 

I lived a huge amount of time thinking about what other people will think. I was shy, retiring and not at all adventurous. I took the quiet and easy option everytime.

That's gone now. 

I'm not going to become a rebel or something extraordinary. I'm just going to let the shackles off. That's the effect of stuffing conformity where the sun doesn't shine.

There are residual patches of resistance so to my close friends, if you spot it creeping up on me feel free to point it out.

I've made mistakes to get here but I'm sure I've learned from them. I'm bound to make more but the intent will always be honourable and honest. I'll take those bumps to be me.

So a few decisions have been made. Future plans I'll leave for the next blog but for this one I'll let you into one intent. 

I've mentioned before about loneliness and being single. I've chased the idea of dating etc but I've decided I'm not going to anymore. I'm going to focus on being the best me and see where in the world it takes me. I was never good at dates or chatting up (nor being chatted up) so I'm just going to let the world happen around me and if something does then so be it.

The cis world isn't ready still for cis/trans dating so I'll be increasingly be part of events in the LGBTQ community. They are more open minded and more likely to embrace me for being me. 

I'm going to embrace entirely my trans gender identity and sexuality. I'm going to stop trying to be something I'm not or even trying to fit in even now. Freedom to be me is such a drug and entirely legal. I'm sure someone out there may be suitably minded to find that a tad attractive.

So as we approach Christmas and year end I intend to gear up to a new year of adventure and enlightenment. I've no surgery to plan or wait for. It's that freedom thing again. 

So as well as looking forward next time I'm also going to do something I've done a lot of this year at various events and meetings...I'm going to answer your questions in a Q&A style. Post them anonymously to the blog page or where you find this on social media. I'll answer all genuine questions honestly. 

Until then I remain thankful for being free of the shackles of denying who I was. 

I look forward to revealing my plans and answering your questions next time.

Be safe but be you.

Amanda xx

P.s. didn't turn out that as I expected but good sometimes not to plan...