Emotional rollercoaster

I hope my recent discussion about S.e.x. didn't cause many to blush too much. I prefer in documenting my journey to be as honest as possible.

So to this last week.....

About a week ago now I found out about Brianna Ghey. 

I didn't know her. I no longer live in Warrington but I still have strong connections there including a lot of friends.

I thought at first it was another case of stupid kids with knives but as the story developed so did my connection.

Yes we don't know if it was hate related yet but there appears to be a history of bullying.

The tragic loss triggered two things in me 

Firstly I was bullied at secondary school. I was socially awkward and a bit of a nerd back then  For some reason one person in the year above decided I was a prime target.

To my eternal shame I carried a knife as protection. Just a disposable craft knife but tucked in my blazer. Would I have used it....to be honest I can't say for certain but I hope not. It was more for my own sense of security. 

So I know what it's like to be so desperate to consider a weapon but not as an aggressive act. My fear was driven by threats to me. Even this is inexcusable. To use any violence is barbarity end of.

This was 35+ years ago but I get how a bully gets to you.

I am far from proud of this but I couldn't speak to anyone and felt alone. It was a desperate act. Fortunately he appeared to get bored.

Secondly Brianna was trans. It wasn't reported as so but it was instantly declared by the police that it wasn't a hate crime. That started off my legal senses acutely.

Since then her treatment by the press has been abysmal. Conning people to disclose her deadname is beyond belief.

Vigils quickly started popping up and Liverpool was one of the first. I felt drawn to be there. To show that enough is enough.

I was equally proud of my city as I was angry. 

Just the day before id been subjected to transphobic hate. Who when seeing a stranger suddenly decides to abuse them. I could see it coming the minute he looked at me. The telltales were instant. 

That hate has driven me this week. This has to stop. It's accentuated by a clear strategy to marginalize the transgender community. I for one am not willing to let that happen.

So today I was really torn. My Football team were playing with a planned tribute to Brianna. At the same time there was a vigil in Warrington. I needed to be in two places at once.

In the end I chose to be with my friends. I needed to be with friends today.

The minutes silence was tough. I was filling up. Why? Because each time I get hate directed at me how do I know one day that hate won't result in violence?. For Brianna hate however directed resulted in her loss. Two other lives have directly been destroyed and others close by also.

I do however sense a tipping point. I fear this won't be the last but I'll do my best to stop further hate. It's well overdue. We as I have repeatedly said don't pose a threat to anyone. It's bigotry pure and simple. Enough is enough.

So this week wasnt the best but has reaffirmed my position as going forward I am in fighting mode. I'm fighting for recognition, fighting for mine and my community safety and I'm not backing down. 

The loss of Brianna has touched a community and surprisingly myself quite deeply. We can't go through this again and we won't if I have anything to say about it.

Rest in power Brianna. If there is anything to come out of this is my reaffirmed commitment to equity and equality.

Amanda xx