Admittance

One thing I've tried to be here is searingly honest. People cannot learn or be educated if things are hidden or censored.

Yes there is a way to sugar it and make it more palpable but avoiding honesty is no way forward. I've always tried to be a straight talker and I know that can be a difficulty for me at times as it isn't always appreciated or deemed accepted. I stand by that however as the correct way to live.

So it would be remiss of me to change that now.

Being transgender is tough. It's not a choice. It's fundamentally who you are. The difficulty arises when you either don't do anything or do something to address your feelings. It can be a no win situation.

You don't act and your are miserable or you do and whilst you feel happy within, the world can view you as a freak or more simply hate you.

It takes its toll either way. I admit now my transition has been harder than I thought and it's been tough going recently. You see the signs but find it difficult to react 

It shows itself in various forms. You stop working out, eat more crap, get lazy, drink a bit more and slowly you go backwards. Add in a few other things like stress in all its forms, lack of sleep, loneliness and general low mood.

It can take ages to build and little to trip the switch. 

I'm 9 months post op now and yes I'm overjoyed about being in the body I am, being the authentic me, wearing what I want etc but it's still tough out there.

I still avoid going places for fear of my safety. I'm aware of myself simply going the loo when out to the point that in some circumstances I won't drink anything so I don't have to be caught in a difficult position or walk a long way just to go somewhere with a loo I'll be happy with. Quiet, perhaps one unisex loo. Yeah it can be like that 

I've not used a changing room in a shop. I just guess and buy. If it's wrong I write it off as a mistake and donate it to charity. It is literally too scary to go into one.

Oh and I am sick to the back teeth of being stared at. I don't mean just a glance but really looked it. It's so hard not to retaliate by being aggressive because over time it really gets to you.

I've found some sanctuary in my community where I am accepted for who I am without question and embraced as me. 

However society has a lot to do better. Daily I read of attacks against people like me and I wonder when will it be me. I read of attempts to change the law so despite my surgery, despite growing breasts, despite my name, the way I look, despite the way I dress, they want to treat me like a man. I am categorised as a threat to women just because I exist. Bigotry in its purest form by labelling a group rather than looking at individuals. 

It takes its toll and a combination of this and a tricky period in my life (lots of small things add up you know) which I would usually had ridden out flipped the switch.

I can be an emotional person. The hormones have certainly made that worse in terms of control. Play "This is me" and I'll be in bits after the chorus. But random crying should have been the warning to heed and yet added to the above I didn't spot it. 

Despite all the above, I don't regret my transition one iota. I can't deny who I am anymore. However I do need to practice self care a bit more. I have to be more aware of the triggers. It's a learning process and I'm at elementary level at the moment.

So I learn. I do things differently next time so that if I don't stop it, I at least lessen the drop so that next time I again take it down a notch until I reach a position of stability. How long it will take I don't know but I know I have to make changes. I know I can't repeat this because it's draining me.

That's the next step. I've alluded to change a few times recently but struggled to work out what it was I needed. I dithered and didn't prioritize me. Going forward I am the priority. I need to find my next step, my next destination. I've had such focus on my journey to date with a clear end game that I never really thought about what happens now I'm here. You just presumed it would be ok or just fall into place.

It can be lonely being transgender. We are treated differently. Integrating into a new life is I recognise equally difficult for others who have known you differently for perhaps a long time as it is for me. I don't have that experience of growing up in the gender I now am. I didn't have that network, those relationships that solely arise because of your gender. I can't replicate that lived experience and as a result there will be forever that gap. This is a work in progress that I will need help on.

It's also lonely emotionally. People who really know me know I'm a social person. I may appear happy but being alone can be tough as cisgender never mind as transgender. I always joke I'd never get married again. Once bitten etc. That said I miss the company of people. Going home to an empty house at times is tough so I try and spend as little time here as possible.

Relationships of the romantic kind are very difficult. There is still that societal issue. In a relationship with a Transwoman is I accept a difficult thing for any potential suitors. I know there are people out there who like me. I've had open approaches and anonymous compliments. People have seen me on the street and been very complimentary online. I can get sex anytime I want. You would be surprised how many cisgender people have a "thing" for the transgender community. 

Yet anything beyond that is it seems impossible. A night at the cinema, an Italian restaurant or even just cuddling up on the couch with a takeaway and crap film on appears impossible to achieve. Yes things that if you are single you might take for granted as as possibility for me is up there with a lottery win. 

So adding all that up it's been a tough few months. I know others out there are not having it easy either and it's true that a problem shared etc. If you are struggling please speak to someone. I'm a good listener and will never judge anyone. We all need that in our lives. 

I just hope that soon the world can stop judging me and my kind so we can truly live our lives.

If I've been a bit of hard work lately I humbly apologize. I hope by reading this you understand why. 

I am a work in progress. I hope with continued support and friendship I can get to where I want to go.

Never forget that your mental health is as important as your physical health. Never forget to check in with others who may also be struggling. You never know what people are going through. Finally always listen. It can be a game changer for someone if they can just unburden their worries even just for a few hours. 

This is part of my outlet. I know I still need more though. Changes are inevitable if I'm to get there 

Take care and always be yourself.

Amanda xx